Post by redsycorax on Sept 24, 2018 1:24:36 GMT
As Aunt Agatha Payne, tweed-clad aunt to the late Brian Payne, formerly Badman the Darknight Deviant, puffed away on her cigar, a bizarre figure dressed in abominable headwear and a mask, with a bat tattoo on her upper chest, long evening gloves, a one piece bikini and stiletto heels, tottered over to the Hall of Freedom waiting room reception area. In a stentorian contralto voice, she barked: "I am Bat Woman and these young women are my subordinates, the Bat Girls of America. We're here to see about the new membership interviews for the Freedom Brigade."
"Ah, yes. Please, take a seat. Captain Swift is doing the membership assessment today."
"Name?"
"Bat Woman, aka Victoria Katt. I wish to dissociate myself from any declared affiliation to DC Comics, Gil Kane or Bill Finger and note that any resemblance is totally coincidental."
"Origin Story?"
"In the forties, I was bitten by a lesbian vampire, Carmilla Karnstein. I gained the abilities to conduct Bat Hypnosis, fly, climb up buildings and perch on ceilings unaided."
"Sorry, but if you are indeed completely autonomous of the Kane/Finger Batman copyright, Bat Woman, then why did you and the Bat Girls Batusi around the waiting room."
"We wanted to relax. I don't care for what you're insinuating."
"Aren't you actually nothing more than a cheap sixties Batman ripoff?"
"Given that your livery is virtually identical to that of the Earth-0 Flash without the lightning bolt insignia, that Lady Liberty and Princess Power are both infringements on the intellectual copyright of Wonder Woman, that Mr Might and Mermaid are obvious imitations of Superman and Lori Lemaris, and as for Badman and Robber... Slotham City? Badphone? Badrope? Badcave? This entire world is a bad parody of Earth-0, why should I be any different?"
Abruptly, Dirk Grierson aka Lightswitch sauntered past wearing only a small towel. The Bat Girls took one look at him, moaned, licked their lips and gave pursuit. Predictably, the FBUS' most fetching piece of guy candy lost his towel en route but happily retained his virtue intact.
"And could you keep the Bat Girls under closer control, please? Lightswitch is a man's man, not AC/DC, whatever his hero title might indicate."
"Sorry, but they've been cooped up in Harbouropolis, doing crime fighting. Can you blame them for flying into a rampant hetero-sexual frenzy whenever they see a nubile scantily clad young man?"
"Oh, all right, we'll let you in."
Suddenly, the Troubalert sounded...
"What is it?"
"Yes, surely you lot can handle the Legion of Dross by your own? After all, we are dealing with a coalition of Barko, the Incredible Crude Oil Monster, the Giant Snow Creature, the Junk Creature from the Dump, the Rock and Roll Space Bandits and the Evil Space Genie here?" Captain Swift queried
"Oh, them. We bundled them up and delivered them to Belle Bete an hour ago. Unfortunately, Amanda Wallop wouldn't take them, said she only wanted competent supervillains for her Shady Squadron, so we had a protracted interminable argument with her." Mermaid replied.
"Hey, Mandy ain't so bad" protested the Black Vulcan AI.
"Look, if it wasn't you, Mr Might, Lady Liberty and Bowman, who was it? Our other away team, Princess Power and Green Canary?"
Green Canary's image appeared on the Troubalert's main viewscreen:
"Great! Another new member! We're finally out of our cohort slump."
"I'm Bat Woman. Can I teleport over to join you, but preferably not before we find out why you used the Troubalert a minute ago?"
"We're over in Japan, facing a menace called... Lord Death Woman!!!"
Captain Swift frowned: "Shouldn't that actually be either LadyDeath Woman or Lord Death Man?"
"We're deliberately being non gender specific here to reflect the awoke sensibilities of the early twenty first century. As for the Noble Death Person, she or he can choose any gendered pronoun she likes or none at all." Green Canary proudly commented.
"I have a special theme tune for fighting crime in Japan. Do you want to hear it?"
"Oh, all right..." Captain Swift sighed, dreaming of the pasta meal that Ira had cooked for him back in Hub City and checking his watch.
Who flys and frightens?
Bat Woman!
Weird hair ornaments and
accoutrements?
Bat Woman!
Villains run away!
Bat Woman saves the day!
With her regiment of Bat Girls!
Bat Woman,
Badly wardrobed creature of the night!
Wham! Sock! Slap!
Bat Woman!!!
As the Hall of Freedom's teleport tube deposited Bat Woman in Edo, the Myotine Maiden frowned. Suddenly, she had contracted several feet, developed large pupilless eyes and spoke in a high pitched voice. She watched Green Canary and Lady Liberty stomp into view, with notably bad voice synchronisation:
"Hi, Bat Woman!"
"What's wrong with us, Green Canary?"
"I don't know. Most Japanese metahumans look like this. We'll probably return to normal once we get back to the Hall of Freedom."
"Okay, but who is Loud Death Woman?"
"We think that it's a new incarnation of Lord Death Man, the metaphysical death avatar who haunted our dreams and wore a tacky skeletal outfit without any pelvis, who outfoxed us temporarily using a secret yoghurt straining method which caused him to fall into suspended animation. Then he tried to shoot Bowman, but failed, not before colliding with an inconvenient powerline."
"Is this Lord Death Woman his son, or daughter, or non gender specific offspring?"
"There's something oddly familiar about her,' remarked Bat Woman, "and why is her voice so elderly?"
"Hah! Bat Woman!"
"At last! Lord Death Woman!!!"
"Bat Woman, you fool! Did you really think I, Lord Death Woman could be consigned to the grave so easily? What you caught was merely the shadow of the grave which can slip through ones fingers so easily."
"Ghoul! Take that! Uhhh! Uhhh!"
"Bat Woman?"
"Oh, sorry, I had one of those nightmares again. They keep me up all night and make me tired all day." Green Canary pointed to: "A yoghurt slick!"
"That means... Lord Death Woman used her secret yoghurt straining method near here!"
"Ahhhaahhaahaa! Green Canary, Lady Liberty and Bat Woman! I see I haven't eluded you! However, this will be our last meeting!!"
"Ugh!!!"
"Bat Woman has taken a lead slug straight to hades!"
The Hair Disaster Halcyon pointed to her highly convenient but hitherto undisclosed force field. At which point, the superheroes began to encircle her, catching her in their gravitational field and sending them crashing into the villainess.
"Time to unmask you..."
Green Canary gasped: "Why, it's Aunt Harriet Hooper, mysteriously displaced auntie of Dirk Grierson. How did you turn evil and why are you masquerading as Lord Death Man?"
"It's alright for you people, you didn't have to endure sudden dismissal due to a convoluted plotline which made me an imposter trying to case Stately Payne Manor and resultant bit parts for the next ten years until I found out Lord Death Man was dying. And so, he trained me and I eventually succeeded him!"
"It's off to Limbo for you, Aunt Harriet."
"Oh, really? With Vicki Whale, Bad-Nuisance, Princess Power's fifties encumberances, and Professor Potty? I think not, Freedom Brigade. The time has come for a convenient angst interlude while I make my get away!"
"Hello, Mom. The Inferior Five and I would like a talk with you and the others."
"Myron?!" Lady Liberty gasped, as she realised that her son Myron (Merryman) was facing her, and not at all merry.
"Why is it that we got consigned to Limbo and you never visited us?"
"It wasn't that simple, dear. The Crisis caused massive time snarls and continuum modifications. The Freedom Brigade started our careers several decades later and it also interfered with our memories."
"Admit it. You're embarrassed by us and our diminished abilities in respect to yours. Despite the fact that I, Lagomorph, have superstrength as a consequence of my genetic inheritance from you, Princess Power, my mother. Despite the fact that the Blimp has the power of flight but didn't inherit Captain Swift's speed. Or the fact that Awkwardman has superstrength, invulnerability and prolonged underwater survival due to his parentage, Mr Might and Mermaid. Or that White Feather inherited Bowman's archery skills and Green Canary's martial arts expertise." Athina Tremor (Lagomorph) snapped.
"All right! But is there any harm in the fact that you're out of the way of the menaces we have to face? Patriot is dead, Myron."
"I know that. It would've been nice to have been invited to the funeral, Mom."
"We've had it with you! Given the recent resurgence of a large scale multiverse, Limbo has ceased to have any real meaning anyway, so we are now (ahem) the Superior Five of Earth-9415- Brainwaver, Lagomorph, Mightman, Glider and Fawn Arrow. Moreover, we've disconnected this world's transmatter access coordinates so you can't pop in and have annoying crossovers." With that, the former Inferior Five headed back to their transmatter cube, leaving Bat Woman gazing in the general direction of Lord Death Woman:
"Well, that was uncomfortable. Disowned by our own children." Bowman exclaimed.
"Have you all forgotten that Lord Death Woman has gotten away amidst the existential sturm und drang of the last few paragraphs? Honestly. Come on, Lightswitch, let's get after them..."
" My aunt! My arch enemy!" Lightswitch moaned, as the Bat Girls marched into a troop carrier and followed the Bat Luge.
The other Freedom Brigade members looked at one another, suddenly conscious of the fact that they wouldn't be able to retire as soon as they'd initially planned. Suddenly, they realised that fifty years had passed since their first adventure and they'd gone through the Silver Age to the Bronze Age to the Iron Age to the Tin Age to the Aluminium Foil Age of Superheroes. What would happen to them now?
THE END
"Ah, yes. Please, take a seat. Captain Swift is doing the membership assessment today."
"Name?"
"Bat Woman, aka Victoria Katt. I wish to dissociate myself from any declared affiliation to DC Comics, Gil Kane or Bill Finger and note that any resemblance is totally coincidental."
"Origin Story?"
"In the forties, I was bitten by a lesbian vampire, Carmilla Karnstein. I gained the abilities to conduct Bat Hypnosis, fly, climb up buildings and perch on ceilings unaided."
"Sorry, but if you are indeed completely autonomous of the Kane/Finger Batman copyright, Bat Woman, then why did you and the Bat Girls Batusi around the waiting room."
"We wanted to relax. I don't care for what you're insinuating."
"Aren't you actually nothing more than a cheap sixties Batman ripoff?"
"Given that your livery is virtually identical to that of the Earth-0 Flash without the lightning bolt insignia, that Lady Liberty and Princess Power are both infringements on the intellectual copyright of Wonder Woman, that Mr Might and Mermaid are obvious imitations of Superman and Lori Lemaris, and as for Badman and Robber... Slotham City? Badphone? Badrope? Badcave? This entire world is a bad parody of Earth-0, why should I be any different?"
Abruptly, Dirk Grierson aka Lightswitch sauntered past wearing only a small towel. The Bat Girls took one look at him, moaned, licked their lips and gave pursuit. Predictably, the FBUS' most fetching piece of guy candy lost his towel en route but happily retained his virtue intact.
"And could you keep the Bat Girls under closer control, please? Lightswitch is a man's man, not AC/DC, whatever his hero title might indicate."
"Sorry, but they've been cooped up in Harbouropolis, doing crime fighting. Can you blame them for flying into a rampant hetero-sexual frenzy whenever they see a nubile scantily clad young man?"
"Oh, all right, we'll let you in."
Suddenly, the Troubalert sounded...
"What is it?"
"Yes, surely you lot can handle the Legion of Dross by your own? After all, we are dealing with a coalition of Barko, the Incredible Crude Oil Monster, the Giant Snow Creature, the Junk Creature from the Dump, the Rock and Roll Space Bandits and the Evil Space Genie here?" Captain Swift queried
"Oh, them. We bundled them up and delivered them to Belle Bete an hour ago. Unfortunately, Amanda Wallop wouldn't take them, said she only wanted competent supervillains for her Shady Squadron, so we had a protracted interminable argument with her." Mermaid replied.
"Hey, Mandy ain't so bad" protested the Black Vulcan AI.
"Look, if it wasn't you, Mr Might, Lady Liberty and Bowman, who was it? Our other away team, Princess Power and Green Canary?"
Green Canary's image appeared on the Troubalert's main viewscreen:
"Great! Another new member! We're finally out of our cohort slump."
"I'm Bat Woman. Can I teleport over to join you, but preferably not before we find out why you used the Troubalert a minute ago?"
"We're over in Japan, facing a menace called... Lord Death Woman!!!"
Captain Swift frowned: "Shouldn't that actually be either LadyDeath Woman or Lord Death Man?"
"We're deliberately being non gender specific here to reflect the awoke sensibilities of the early twenty first century. As for the Noble Death Person, she or he can choose any gendered pronoun she likes or none at all." Green Canary proudly commented.
"I have a special theme tune for fighting crime in Japan. Do you want to hear it?"
"Oh, all right..." Captain Swift sighed, dreaming of the pasta meal that Ira had cooked for him back in Hub City and checking his watch.
Who flys and frightens?
Bat Woman!
Weird hair ornaments and
accoutrements?
Bat Woman!
Villains run away!
Bat Woman saves the day!
With her regiment of Bat Girls!
Bat Woman,
Badly wardrobed creature of the night!
Wham! Sock! Slap!
Bat Woman!!!
As the Hall of Freedom's teleport tube deposited Bat Woman in Edo, the Myotine Maiden frowned. Suddenly, she had contracted several feet, developed large pupilless eyes and spoke in a high pitched voice. She watched Green Canary and Lady Liberty stomp into view, with notably bad voice synchronisation:
"Hi, Bat Woman!"
"What's wrong with us, Green Canary?"
"I don't know. Most Japanese metahumans look like this. We'll probably return to normal once we get back to the Hall of Freedom."
"Okay, but who is Loud Death Woman?"
"We think that it's a new incarnation of Lord Death Man, the metaphysical death avatar who haunted our dreams and wore a tacky skeletal outfit without any pelvis, who outfoxed us temporarily using a secret yoghurt straining method which caused him to fall into suspended animation. Then he tried to shoot Bowman, but failed, not before colliding with an inconvenient powerline."
"Is this Lord Death Woman his son, or daughter, or non gender specific offspring?"
"There's something oddly familiar about her,' remarked Bat Woman, "and why is her voice so elderly?"
"Hah! Bat Woman!"
"At last! Lord Death Woman!!!"
"Bat Woman, you fool! Did you really think I, Lord Death Woman could be consigned to the grave so easily? What you caught was merely the shadow of the grave which can slip through ones fingers so easily."
"Ghoul! Take that! Uhhh! Uhhh!"
"Bat Woman?"
"Oh, sorry, I had one of those nightmares again. They keep me up all night and make me tired all day." Green Canary pointed to: "A yoghurt slick!"
"That means... Lord Death Woman used her secret yoghurt straining method near here!"
"Ahhhaahhaahaa! Green Canary, Lady Liberty and Bat Woman! I see I haven't eluded you! However, this will be our last meeting!!"
"Ugh!!!"
"Bat Woman has taken a lead slug straight to hades!"
The Hair Disaster Halcyon pointed to her highly convenient but hitherto undisclosed force field. At which point, the superheroes began to encircle her, catching her in their gravitational field and sending them crashing into the villainess.
"Time to unmask you..."
Green Canary gasped: "Why, it's Aunt Harriet Hooper, mysteriously displaced auntie of Dirk Grierson. How did you turn evil and why are you masquerading as Lord Death Man?"
"It's alright for you people, you didn't have to endure sudden dismissal due to a convoluted plotline which made me an imposter trying to case Stately Payne Manor and resultant bit parts for the next ten years until I found out Lord Death Man was dying. And so, he trained me and I eventually succeeded him!"
"It's off to Limbo for you, Aunt Harriet."
"Oh, really? With Vicki Whale, Bad-Nuisance, Princess Power's fifties encumberances, and Professor Potty? I think not, Freedom Brigade. The time has come for a convenient angst interlude while I make my get away!"
"Hello, Mom. The Inferior Five and I would like a talk with you and the others."
"Myron?!" Lady Liberty gasped, as she realised that her son Myron (Merryman) was facing her, and not at all merry.
"Why is it that we got consigned to Limbo and you never visited us?"
"It wasn't that simple, dear. The Crisis caused massive time snarls and continuum modifications. The Freedom Brigade started our careers several decades later and it also interfered with our memories."
"Admit it. You're embarrassed by us and our diminished abilities in respect to yours. Despite the fact that I, Lagomorph, have superstrength as a consequence of my genetic inheritance from you, Princess Power, my mother. Despite the fact that the Blimp has the power of flight but didn't inherit Captain Swift's speed. Or the fact that Awkwardman has superstrength, invulnerability and prolonged underwater survival due to his parentage, Mr Might and Mermaid. Or that White Feather inherited Bowman's archery skills and Green Canary's martial arts expertise." Athina Tremor (Lagomorph) snapped.
"All right! But is there any harm in the fact that you're out of the way of the menaces we have to face? Patriot is dead, Myron."
"I know that. It would've been nice to have been invited to the funeral, Mom."
"We've had it with you! Given the recent resurgence of a large scale multiverse, Limbo has ceased to have any real meaning anyway, so we are now (ahem) the Superior Five of Earth-9415- Brainwaver, Lagomorph, Mightman, Glider and Fawn Arrow. Moreover, we've disconnected this world's transmatter access coordinates so you can't pop in and have annoying crossovers." With that, the former Inferior Five headed back to their transmatter cube, leaving Bat Woman gazing in the general direction of Lord Death Woman:
"Well, that was uncomfortable. Disowned by our own children." Bowman exclaimed.
"Have you all forgotten that Lord Death Woman has gotten away amidst the existential sturm und drang of the last few paragraphs? Honestly. Come on, Lightswitch, let's get after them..."
" My aunt! My arch enemy!" Lightswitch moaned, as the Bat Girls marched into a troop carrier and followed the Bat Luge.
The other Freedom Brigade members looked at one another, suddenly conscious of the fact that they wouldn't be able to retire as soon as they'd initially planned. Suddenly, they realised that fifty years had passed since their first adventure and they'd gone through the Silver Age to the Bronze Age to the Iron Age to the Tin Age to the Aluminium Foil Age of Superheroes. What would happen to them now?
THE END