Post by redsycorax on Nov 2, 2018 22:39:06 GMT
One morning, on the Freedom Brigade satellite, the Troubalert rang. Repeatedly. Fifteen minutes later, a bleary eyed Princess Power stumbled into the main FBUS lobby:
"Wha' is it, this time of morning?"
"Freedom Brigade, this is the Secret Department of Intelligence, from the large neon pink skyscraper in Washington. We have a case for you."
"Could it wait another four hours?"
"No can do, I'm afraid. You see, the problematically named Scat Man has escaped from Tryhard Heights and Warden Butch isn't terribly happy. Given Scat Man's revolting personal habits, we're not surprised. We think he has a fiendish plan to harvest the First Orangutan's droppings and use them as toxic weapons."
Bat Woman entered the main lobby:
"Oh, him. I didn't realise the SDI hated jazz so much. Yep, he's my old archnemesis. He has an enchanted saxophone that can cause untoward effects."
"But why the scatological sideplot?" Princess Power asked.
"It's another opportunity for cheap embarrassment of our orange anthropoid overlord, Deborah."
"Isn't the mass Republican invasion of reading sessions out of fear that they promote literacy enough embarrassing enough, though?"
"Not as much as the revelations that they intend to reintroduce devil worship, human sacrifice and cannibalism after the midterms."
"Right, that's enough cheap political innuendo for this episode. Who's on station?"
"Roster indicates Princess Power, Bat Woman and Captain Swift."
"Let's get cracking, then. Black Vulcan, can you reorient our Washington teleport outpost away from...Amanda Wallop's bedroom...?"
"Uh, I would like to proclaim total innocence and point out the Black Vulcan expeditionary android has just been cleaned and is ready for action."
One awkward pause later, the teleport outpost registered arrival outside the Presidential Blue House in Earth-55's version of Washington. Princess Power raised an eyebrow:
"Uh, wait a minute. Why is there a camera crew outside the Blue House?"
"Yeah, I thought Me and the Trump was cancelled when Patriot passed away."
"' Mark Dental and his wife Amanda have two children but Republicans pressgang Mark into acting as the minder for Trumpanzee, the badly behaved simian president of the United States of Amurkia. It involves episodes about unorthodox use of flashlights, sugar highs that lead Trumpanzee to develop rabies, and simian membership of sports teams.' Wow, the networks really must have been desperate with that one."
"Wait a minute. They're not connected with Me and the Trump. It's our old enemy, the Music Blaster. He's going to attack the Blue House with a breathtakingly awful display of bad Christian seventies muzak!"
Bat Woman raised an eyebrow: "I take it that was a period of low budget ceilings for the Brigade?"
"Well, yes. The Music Blaster was part of the Unfreedom Brigands, a group consisting of him, Scat Man, Arn-Uld 1000, Captain Pork and Tweeky the Kitsch Robot."
"Crossovers much? Am I to take it that this is an Unfreedom Brigand revival?"
"Probably." Captain Swift sighed.
Several kilometres away, Captain John. C. Pork, corpulent disgracefully discharged captain of the Starship Unimpressed had gotten stuck in the doorway again:
"Oh. Damn this. Anorexic. Doorway!"
"Bidet bidet bidet try losing some weight, Porko."
"Where. Is. Our. Glorious Leader. Scat.Man?"
"Bidet bidet bidet there he comes now."
"So. Whun are we going to destroy Der Freedumb Brigade?" Arn-Uld 1000, the hulking gigantic naked sex robot from the future asked.
"Bidet bidet bidet, yes, when, Scat Man?"
"Will. Someone. Get me. Out of. This Doorway?" Captain Pork complained.
"The Unfreedom Brigands are currently broadcasting bad seventies Christian muzak at the Blue House. Soon the Great Orangutan will go round the twist and order nuclear strikes on everywhere! Diddly diddly scat do wah bop."
"Unless the Freedom Brigade tumble to our cunning plan."
At that convenient moment, the door blew off its hinges and Captain Swift, Bat Woman and Princess Power stood silhouetted against the daylight:
"Surrender or face an unconvincingly choreographed fight scene, Unfreedom Brigands!" Captain Swift proclaimed.
"Huh. Zere is onlee three of you unt five of us!" Arn-Uld 1000 said, and with naked ambition (...) strode solidly toward the three FBUS members.
"Arn-Uld, you shouldn't be here. Your timeline was wiped out and sex robots like you don't exist any longer." Princess Power exclaimed.
"Bidet bidet bidet bidet what about me? You always neglect me bidet bidet bidet CLANK." In a matter of seconds, Captain Swift had dismantled the incredibly annoying small renegade robot and mailed him back to Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2th Century, with a stamp marked never return.
"I. Am. A. Match For You. Enormous. Amazon." Captain Pork had finally escaped the unhelpful doorway and lumbered toward Princess Power. However, she charged him and with her superpowered belly, he bounced off her and into a conveniently placed antiquated seventies computer suite.
"Oh no, you weren't, Porky. Which only leaves Arn-Uld, Scat Man and the Music Blaster standing." Bat Woman engineered a feedback loop and the Music Blaster sank to his legs, screeching, as the bad seventies Christian muzak feedback permeated their headquarters, while Captain Swift reprogrammed Arn-Uld 1000 with his old sexbot routines, neutralising him as the familiar codes overrode his consequent upgrade.
Scat Man took up his saxphone: "Diddly diddly wop. I was always the deadliest member of the Unfreedom Brigands. You cannot fight my Scat Routine of Death!"
"He does have a point. His unpleasant scat rhythms outpace my superspeed, Princess Power isn't immune to 'em and Bat Woman... hey, that's right, he's part of your rogues gallery."
"Fortunately, I paid for the Bat Girls to have saxophone lessons. Bat Girls! Ensemble formation!" The Bat Girls surrounded Scat Man and the scale of their ensemble drowned out the discord of his malevolent music. It gave Captain Swift and Bat Woman time to crush the Scat Man's saxophone and bring him to justice. This left the Freedom Brigade with a moral dilemmma:
"What do we do about Arn-Uld 1000? He's reverted to a sexbot. Oooh. Wait a minute. Lady Liberty will like this..."
And so it was that their other Amazon crew member got a hulking large naked robot with a ribbon tied securely over an anatomical bit. Lady Liberty was indeed enthralled, and made frequent use of her gift. Unfortunately, she used it so often that it wore out within six months.
THE END
"Wha' is it, this time of morning?"
"Freedom Brigade, this is the Secret Department of Intelligence, from the large neon pink skyscraper in Washington. We have a case for you."
"Could it wait another four hours?"
"No can do, I'm afraid. You see, the problematically named Scat Man has escaped from Tryhard Heights and Warden Butch isn't terribly happy. Given Scat Man's revolting personal habits, we're not surprised. We think he has a fiendish plan to harvest the First Orangutan's droppings and use them as toxic weapons."
Bat Woman entered the main lobby:
"Oh, him. I didn't realise the SDI hated jazz so much. Yep, he's my old archnemesis. He has an enchanted saxophone that can cause untoward effects."
"But why the scatological sideplot?" Princess Power asked.
"It's another opportunity for cheap embarrassment of our orange anthropoid overlord, Deborah."
"Isn't the mass Republican invasion of reading sessions out of fear that they promote literacy enough embarrassing enough, though?"
"Not as much as the revelations that they intend to reintroduce devil worship, human sacrifice and cannibalism after the midterms."
"Right, that's enough cheap political innuendo for this episode. Who's on station?"
"Roster indicates Princess Power, Bat Woman and Captain Swift."
"Let's get cracking, then. Black Vulcan, can you reorient our Washington teleport outpost away from...Amanda Wallop's bedroom...?"
"Uh, I would like to proclaim total innocence and point out the Black Vulcan expeditionary android has just been cleaned and is ready for action."
One awkward pause later, the teleport outpost registered arrival outside the Presidential Blue House in Earth-55's version of Washington. Princess Power raised an eyebrow:
"Uh, wait a minute. Why is there a camera crew outside the Blue House?"
"Yeah, I thought Me and the Trump was cancelled when Patriot passed away."
"' Mark Dental and his wife Amanda have two children but Republicans pressgang Mark into acting as the minder for Trumpanzee, the badly behaved simian president of the United States of Amurkia. It involves episodes about unorthodox use of flashlights, sugar highs that lead Trumpanzee to develop rabies, and simian membership of sports teams.' Wow, the networks really must have been desperate with that one."
"Wait a minute. They're not connected with Me and the Trump. It's our old enemy, the Music Blaster. He's going to attack the Blue House with a breathtakingly awful display of bad Christian seventies muzak!"
Bat Woman raised an eyebrow: "I take it that was a period of low budget ceilings for the Brigade?"
"Well, yes. The Music Blaster was part of the Unfreedom Brigands, a group consisting of him, Scat Man, Arn-Uld 1000, Captain Pork and Tweeky the Kitsch Robot."
"Crossovers much? Am I to take it that this is an Unfreedom Brigand revival?"
"Probably." Captain Swift sighed.
Several kilometres away, Captain John. C. Pork, corpulent disgracefully discharged captain of the Starship Unimpressed had gotten stuck in the doorway again:
"Oh. Damn this. Anorexic. Doorway!"
"Bidet bidet bidet try losing some weight, Porko."
"Where. Is. Our. Glorious Leader. Scat.Man?"
"Bidet bidet bidet there he comes now."
"So. Whun are we going to destroy Der Freedumb Brigade?" Arn-Uld 1000, the hulking gigantic naked sex robot from the future asked.
"Bidet bidet bidet, yes, when, Scat Man?"
"Will. Someone. Get me. Out of. This Doorway?" Captain Pork complained.
"The Unfreedom Brigands are currently broadcasting bad seventies Christian muzak at the Blue House. Soon the Great Orangutan will go round the twist and order nuclear strikes on everywhere! Diddly diddly scat do wah bop."
"Unless the Freedom Brigade tumble to our cunning plan."
At that convenient moment, the door blew off its hinges and Captain Swift, Bat Woman and Princess Power stood silhouetted against the daylight:
"Surrender or face an unconvincingly choreographed fight scene, Unfreedom Brigands!" Captain Swift proclaimed.
"Huh. Zere is onlee three of you unt five of us!" Arn-Uld 1000 said, and with naked ambition (...) strode solidly toward the three FBUS members.
"Arn-Uld, you shouldn't be here. Your timeline was wiped out and sex robots like you don't exist any longer." Princess Power exclaimed.
"Bidet bidet bidet bidet what about me? You always neglect me bidet bidet bidet CLANK." In a matter of seconds, Captain Swift had dismantled the incredibly annoying small renegade robot and mailed him back to Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2th Century, with a stamp marked never return.
"I. Am. A. Match For You. Enormous. Amazon." Captain Pork had finally escaped the unhelpful doorway and lumbered toward Princess Power. However, she charged him and with her superpowered belly, he bounced off her and into a conveniently placed antiquated seventies computer suite.
"Oh no, you weren't, Porky. Which only leaves Arn-Uld, Scat Man and the Music Blaster standing." Bat Woman engineered a feedback loop and the Music Blaster sank to his legs, screeching, as the bad seventies Christian muzak feedback permeated their headquarters, while Captain Swift reprogrammed Arn-Uld 1000 with his old sexbot routines, neutralising him as the familiar codes overrode his consequent upgrade.
Scat Man took up his saxphone: "Diddly diddly wop. I was always the deadliest member of the Unfreedom Brigands. You cannot fight my Scat Routine of Death!"
"He does have a point. His unpleasant scat rhythms outpace my superspeed, Princess Power isn't immune to 'em and Bat Woman... hey, that's right, he's part of your rogues gallery."
"Fortunately, I paid for the Bat Girls to have saxophone lessons. Bat Girls! Ensemble formation!" The Bat Girls surrounded Scat Man and the scale of their ensemble drowned out the discord of his malevolent music. It gave Captain Swift and Bat Woman time to crush the Scat Man's saxophone and bring him to justice. This left the Freedom Brigade with a moral dilemmma:
"What do we do about Arn-Uld 1000? He's reverted to a sexbot. Oooh. Wait a minute. Lady Liberty will like this..."
And so it was that their other Amazon crew member got a hulking large naked robot with a ribbon tied securely over an anatomical bit. Lady Liberty was indeed enthralled, and made frequent use of her gift. Unfortunately, she used it so often that it wore out within six months.
THE END