Post by redsycorax on Mar 23, 2019 23:51:18 GMT
Aboard the Freedom Brigade satellite, a five-dimensional hypertesseract coalesced in the stillness and formed itself into a Zrfffian impform. She wore a bowler hat and polka dotted outfit and sighed as a redhaired freckle-faced individual entered her fleeting memories. Miss Gsptlsnz, former spouse of Mxyzptlk and now assigned to annoy Earth-55, took a look around her and smiled to herself. This world was charmingly familiar to Zrfff itself and had many endearing quirks. Then she realised- it was too quirky and parodic for her comedic prowess to have any humorous effect on her surroundings.
Lady Liberty looked up from the monitor: "Oh, no, not you Gsptlsnz. Why have you returned to torment us all this time?"
"What's happened to this world, Libby? Where's that pain in the ass Patriot man of yours?"
Dana sighed: "He got erased in the last continuity revision. Oh, no. Deconstructo didn't. Callling all FBUS members. Paul Foucault is at it again. Be prepared for atrociously bad French cod accents and arcane philosophical discussions or else use earplugs. Over."
"Oooh! He's cute. Can I tag along?"
"If you must. Why, exactly? And why haven't you turned us into warthogs, inverted our genders or committed any acts of surreal zany humour?"
"I'm getting over a break up with Mxyzptlk. He committed bigamy with me and Bgbznz, resulting in the birth of Kytszbtn, his inconsiderate offspring. Bgbznz and I took him to court and he has to pay double alimony. Creep. I decided to get as far away from him as possible, then I remembered this alternate universe."
"All right. Here's a data slug on the Francophone in question..."
"Zut alors! Oo' is cet femme avec Laddy Leebertaire? Bonjour! Je m'appelle Deconstructo, aussi Paul Foucault."
"According to this FBUS logbook, you were caught in an exploding literary criticism factory and became capable of deconstructing things to their constituent elements."
"Oui, c'est vrai. Pour example, Laddy Leebertaire is part Wondair Wooman, part Statute of Libertaire. Malheureusement, elle est immune to mah powers because of le repeated exposeures to cet powers."
"Paul, how did you survive the reiteration?"
"Ah simplaire heed oot in a crack dans space unteel eet was ovaire."
Black Vulcan rolled his eyes:
"How long are we gonna tolerate this turkey's seriously ofay French accent for?"
"Good point." Wisp activated her empathic abilities and almost at once, a swarm of hymenopterids converged on the hapless supervillain. At that point, however, a jumbo can of flyspray materialised and subjected the incoming insects to bombardment.
Deconstructo pulled Gsptlsnz into a clinch:
"Hoho ma petite imp! What say we make mad passionate amour with each othaire and dominate this subcontinent?"
"Not so fast, you two. You'll have to get past the Freedom..."
At which point, Lightpower, Wisp, Lady Liberty, Black Vulcan, Bat Woman, Captain Swift, Green Trashcan and Captain Marbles found themselves back aboard their satellite:
"Erk! Quickly, reorient the teleport Europewards!
But the teleport pulsated brilliantly and several dimunitive forms began to materialise in the middle of it, leading it to smoke and shortcircuit.
"Nobody move! These gumball guns are loaded!"
Lady Liberty raised an eyebrow: "What?! We're being held captive by live-action three-dimensional versions of Jerry Gerbil and Harriet Hamster, speaking in high-pitched rapid voices? With confectionary shooting guns?"
"You may laugh now, human, but our master Deconstructo will prevail."
"Um, what exactly does deconstruction have to do with Wade Dazzle's children's comic book characters?" Captain Swift asked
"Anything it wants. Paul Foucault has obviously juxtaposed our universe with one where all of Wade Dazzle's Funland characters actually exist as corporeal entities so we could mutually deconstruct one another. In the case of those highly unpleasant little cartoonid rodents, their original violent personae have been deconstructed from contact with our grittier, more realistic universe." Bat Woman mused philosophically.
"You mean you've actually read arcane French philosophy like that, Vicky?" Lady Liberty gasped in disbelief.
"Yes, although I gave up Jean-Sol Partre when he wrote Help! Help! I'm Being Chased Down Darkened Corridors By Giant Lobsters!!! [Originally: Aide!!! Aide!!! Je suis poursuivi dans un couloir obscurci par des homards géants!!!] In the case of Paul Foucault, the guilty book is Glass-Eyed: Smearing Wade Dazzle's Cartoon Characters Against Superheroes And Seeing What Emerges from the Mess."[Translated From:
Aux yeux de verre: Les personnages de dessins animés de Wade Dazzle barbouillant contre les super-héros et voyant ce qui sort du mess]
"Wait, what? Are you sayin' that customer actually wrote a book about it?"
"Yes, and had it published on Earth-33, so it could malignantly affect the course of events here."
"Naoh! Naoh! Wakk! I'll never collaborate with your disgusting plans for world domination! Wakk!" Wally Waterfowl quacked, as Deconstructo laughed evilly:
"Mah hampsters et gerbils! Tek le canard enchaine et stuff heem in the Dazzeeland keetchens!"
"Wakk! Wakk! No!!! No!!! Arghhh!!!"
"Oh, Paul, this is much more fun than Mxyzptlk's interminable vendetta against all things Kryptonian. What a wonderful world this is!"
"Oui, regardez mah buke Duck in Bondage: The Erotic Subtext of Wally Waterfowl Comics." [Translated from: Canard en esclavage: le sous-texte érotique de Wally Waterfowl Bandes-Dessines.]
"Enough of this ridiculous barely coherent excuse for a plot, Deconstructo. Surrender now and stop that terrible parody of a Franglish accent at once!" Bat Woman commanded.
"Oh, chocolates! What brand are they? I've never heard of that one before... Znsltpsg? Oh no, not again..." Gsptlsnz said as she was tricked into saying her name backward and vanished back to Zrfff for the next ninety days, leaving a startled Deconstructo.
"Hah! Freardom Brigade! You cairnot stop moi!"
"That's what you think, buster," Captain Swift said as he vibrated back into Earth-55's alternate universe from a visit elsewhere. He deposited a series of books at his feet,"read the titles on these beauties."
"What is theese? Jerry Gerbil and Harriet Hamster Catch Cartoon Myxamitosis And Die Hideously? Deconstructo Gets Eaten By a Spare Giant Lobster After It Finished Eating Jean-Sol Partre Because It Wanted An Appetiser? Non! Non! Keep away from moi, you horrible giant mutant crustacean!!! Non! Arrgh!!!" [Translated from: Jerry Gerbil et Harriet Hamster attrapent le dessin animé Myxamitosis et meurent affreusement. Deconstructo se fait manger par un homard géant après avoir fini de manger Jean-Sol Partre parce qu'il voulait un apéritif]
"Nicely done, Billy, but what do we do with the giant lobster now?"
"Once I realised two could play at that little game, I decided to retaliate with a series of bad French philosophy titles. This is the last one."
"The Giant Lobster Lives Happily Ever After On Monster Island Near Japan Along With All the Other Contrived Badly Designed Japanese Monster Movie Mutant Creatures?" [Translated from: Le homard géant vit heureux sur l'île de monstres près du Japon avec toutes les autres créatures mutantes de film japonais mal conçues]
But as the Freedom Brigade walked away from their latest succesful exploit, a further book fluttered in the breeze: I am Not a Hors D'Oeuvre For a Giant Crustacean by Jane.K. Dick. [Available in French as: Je ne suis pas un hors-d'œuvre pour un crustacé géant] This wasn't over...
THE END/ FINI (For Now.../Pour L'Instant)
Appendix: Unfortunately, the Freedom Brigade did not discover these even more awful titles written by Paul (Deconstructo) Foucault:
Paul Foucault: Being Leered at By Patio Donald: Madrid: Loose Castanets Press: 2019.
Paul Foucault: Wade Dazzle's Soaking Wet: Mass Concentration and Colonoscopy by Mickey Mauser and Donald Enteritis: Berlin: Ashburpinal Press: 2019.
Paul Foucault: Donald the Incoherent: Or Incomprehensibility Recorded Infants: Paris: Baudrillardestunbore Press: 2019.
Paul Foucault: Ducks and I Did Tragic Green Impersonal Idiocy in Dazzle's Chicken Series: Copenhagen: Smurphblaster Press: 2019.
Lady Liberty looked up from the monitor: "Oh, no, not you Gsptlsnz. Why have you returned to torment us all this time?"
"What's happened to this world, Libby? Where's that pain in the ass Patriot man of yours?"
Dana sighed: "He got erased in the last continuity revision. Oh, no. Deconstructo didn't. Callling all FBUS members. Paul Foucault is at it again. Be prepared for atrociously bad French cod accents and arcane philosophical discussions or else use earplugs. Over."
"Oooh! He's cute. Can I tag along?"
"If you must. Why, exactly? And why haven't you turned us into warthogs, inverted our genders or committed any acts of surreal zany humour?"
"I'm getting over a break up with Mxyzptlk. He committed bigamy with me and Bgbznz, resulting in the birth of Kytszbtn, his inconsiderate offspring. Bgbznz and I took him to court and he has to pay double alimony. Creep. I decided to get as far away from him as possible, then I remembered this alternate universe."
"All right. Here's a data slug on the Francophone in question..."
"Zut alors! Oo' is cet femme avec Laddy Leebertaire? Bonjour! Je m'appelle Deconstructo, aussi Paul Foucault."
"According to this FBUS logbook, you were caught in an exploding literary criticism factory and became capable of deconstructing things to their constituent elements."
"Oui, c'est vrai. Pour example, Laddy Leebertaire is part Wondair Wooman, part Statute of Libertaire. Malheureusement, elle est immune to mah powers because of le repeated exposeures to cet powers."
"Paul, how did you survive the reiteration?"
"Ah simplaire heed oot in a crack dans space unteel eet was ovaire."
Black Vulcan rolled his eyes:
"How long are we gonna tolerate this turkey's seriously ofay French accent for?"
"Good point." Wisp activated her empathic abilities and almost at once, a swarm of hymenopterids converged on the hapless supervillain. At that point, however, a jumbo can of flyspray materialised and subjected the incoming insects to bombardment.
Deconstructo pulled Gsptlsnz into a clinch:
"Hoho ma petite imp! What say we make mad passionate amour with each othaire and dominate this subcontinent?"
"Not so fast, you two. You'll have to get past the Freedom..."
At which point, Lightpower, Wisp, Lady Liberty, Black Vulcan, Bat Woman, Captain Swift, Green Trashcan and Captain Marbles found themselves back aboard their satellite:
"Erk! Quickly, reorient the teleport Europewards!
But the teleport pulsated brilliantly and several dimunitive forms began to materialise in the middle of it, leading it to smoke and shortcircuit.
"Nobody move! These gumball guns are loaded!"
Lady Liberty raised an eyebrow: "What?! We're being held captive by live-action three-dimensional versions of Jerry Gerbil and Harriet Hamster, speaking in high-pitched rapid voices? With confectionary shooting guns?"
"You may laugh now, human, but our master Deconstructo will prevail."
"Um, what exactly does deconstruction have to do with Wade Dazzle's children's comic book characters?" Captain Swift asked
"Anything it wants. Paul Foucault has obviously juxtaposed our universe with one where all of Wade Dazzle's Funland characters actually exist as corporeal entities so we could mutually deconstruct one another. In the case of those highly unpleasant little cartoonid rodents, their original violent personae have been deconstructed from contact with our grittier, more realistic universe." Bat Woman mused philosophically.
"You mean you've actually read arcane French philosophy like that, Vicky?" Lady Liberty gasped in disbelief.
"Yes, although I gave up Jean-Sol Partre when he wrote Help! Help! I'm Being Chased Down Darkened Corridors By Giant Lobsters!!! [Originally: Aide!!! Aide!!! Je suis poursuivi dans un couloir obscurci par des homards géants!!!] In the case of Paul Foucault, the guilty book is Glass-Eyed: Smearing Wade Dazzle's Cartoon Characters Against Superheroes And Seeing What Emerges from the Mess."[Translated From:
Aux yeux de verre: Les personnages de dessins animés de Wade Dazzle barbouillant contre les super-héros et voyant ce qui sort du mess]
"Wait, what? Are you sayin' that customer actually wrote a book about it?"
"Yes, and had it published on Earth-33, so it could malignantly affect the course of events here."
"Naoh! Naoh! Wakk! I'll never collaborate with your disgusting plans for world domination! Wakk!" Wally Waterfowl quacked, as Deconstructo laughed evilly:
"Mah hampsters et gerbils! Tek le canard enchaine et stuff heem in the Dazzeeland keetchens!"
"Wakk! Wakk! No!!! No!!! Arghhh!!!"
"Oh, Paul, this is much more fun than Mxyzptlk's interminable vendetta against all things Kryptonian. What a wonderful world this is!"
"Oui, regardez mah buke Duck in Bondage: The Erotic Subtext of Wally Waterfowl Comics." [Translated from: Canard en esclavage: le sous-texte érotique de Wally Waterfowl Bandes-Dessines.]
"Enough of this ridiculous barely coherent excuse for a plot, Deconstructo. Surrender now and stop that terrible parody of a Franglish accent at once!" Bat Woman commanded.
"Oh, chocolates! What brand are they? I've never heard of that one before... Znsltpsg? Oh no, not again..." Gsptlsnz said as she was tricked into saying her name backward and vanished back to Zrfff for the next ninety days, leaving a startled Deconstructo.
"Hah! Freardom Brigade! You cairnot stop moi!"
"That's what you think, buster," Captain Swift said as he vibrated back into Earth-55's alternate universe from a visit elsewhere. He deposited a series of books at his feet,"read the titles on these beauties."
"What is theese? Jerry Gerbil and Harriet Hamster Catch Cartoon Myxamitosis And Die Hideously? Deconstructo Gets Eaten By a Spare Giant Lobster After It Finished Eating Jean-Sol Partre Because It Wanted An Appetiser? Non! Non! Keep away from moi, you horrible giant mutant crustacean!!! Non! Arrgh!!!" [Translated from: Jerry Gerbil et Harriet Hamster attrapent le dessin animé Myxamitosis et meurent affreusement. Deconstructo se fait manger par un homard géant après avoir fini de manger Jean-Sol Partre parce qu'il voulait un apéritif]
"Nicely done, Billy, but what do we do with the giant lobster now?"
"Once I realised two could play at that little game, I decided to retaliate with a series of bad French philosophy titles. This is the last one."
"The Giant Lobster Lives Happily Ever After On Monster Island Near Japan Along With All the Other Contrived Badly Designed Japanese Monster Movie Mutant Creatures?" [Translated from: Le homard géant vit heureux sur l'île de monstres près du Japon avec toutes les autres créatures mutantes de film japonais mal conçues]
But as the Freedom Brigade walked away from their latest succesful exploit, a further book fluttered in the breeze: I am Not a Hors D'Oeuvre For a Giant Crustacean by Jane.K. Dick. [Available in French as: Je ne suis pas un hors-d'œuvre pour un crustacé géant] This wasn't over...
THE END/ FINI (For Now.../Pour L'Instant)
Appendix: Unfortunately, the Freedom Brigade did not discover these even more awful titles written by Paul (Deconstructo) Foucault:
Paul Foucault: Being Leered at By Patio Donald: Madrid: Loose Castanets Press: 2019.
Paul Foucault: Wade Dazzle's Soaking Wet: Mass Concentration and Colonoscopy by Mickey Mauser and Donald Enteritis: Berlin: Ashburpinal Press: 2019.
Paul Foucault: Donald the Incoherent: Or Incomprehensibility Recorded Infants: Paris: Baudrillardestunbore Press: 2019.
Paul Foucault: Ducks and I Did Tragic Green Impersonal Idiocy in Dazzle's Chicken Series: Copenhagen: Smurphblaster Press: 2019.