Post by redsycorax on Apr 11, 2019 1:07:39 GMT
Green Trashcan looked around him at the desolate waste that his smelloring had deposited the Freedom Brigade's Waa-Hay! Team on. As Bat Woman, Captain Swift and Lady Liberty materialised alongside him, he said: "Okay, the Ghastlians of Uh-Oh have authorised this retrieval mission to this remote alternate universe, Earth- -395578 because it has a hopelessly snarled timeline and the warps are causing massive headaches for neighbouring realities, not helped by the fact that it's already been visited by an alternate-universe starship and Earth-0's Green and Red Lantern Corps, at which point a time loop went majorly unravelled."
"Oh, that one. Wasn't a movie in resonance with that Earth the cause of a major scandal in the sixties due to the full frontal male nudity?" Bat Woman queried.
"Delightful film. Based on French author Pierre Boulle's Planet of the Singed Anthropoids Who Speak Perfect English, I believe." Lady Liberty said, licking her lips. [Translation: La planète des anthropoïdes flambeés qui parlent un anglais parfait]
Black Vulcan raised an eyebrow: "Weren't that remade into Planet of the Naked Gay French Studs?" [Translation: Planète des Goujons français gays nus]
Captain Swift smiled wistfully: "I preferred that version."
"Oh, so did I..."
Green Trashcan cleared his throat: "Ah, here's a guy with a beard in a loincloth."
"They call me Rod Taylor. I was the captain of Libertine 1, an experimental starship launched from Earth-1968. We crashlanded on Earth-395578's fortieth century, although the time differs from film to film. This world is dominated by apes roughly on a par with the nineteenth century before the invention of the telegraph, railroads and the internal combustion engine. However, I think I'm supposed to be dead and dressed in my NSAA spacesuit."
"Never mind, cutie, we're here to rescue you."
"Ah. Therefore reversing the sequence of events by which Cornplaster, Ziracle and Dr Caffeine discovered your submerged starship, salvaged it, somehow repaired its FTL drive despite not having any conception of translight physics, and somehow escaped the destruction of this world, being thrown back to an alternate history's past, had a child, and somehow triggered a nuclear war between the USSR and a balkanised America which was recovering from a plague that killed all cats and dogs and somehow eventually made all surviving humans mute, at which point telepathic mutants hid beneath New York and worshipped a cobalt doomsday bomb, which was set off by you, ad nauseum."
"Wait a minute. Are you saying I'm responsible for all this?"
"Apparently. However, due to an interfering couple of Earth-0 interstellar police forces and angry people, you died prematurely, Cornplaster gained control of a multicoloured zebra-striped, polka-dotted, silver, sepia and pink power ring, and things went further wrong. Ziracle is dead, Cornplaster is on Earth-55, and the whole sequence of events that led to this bizarre sequence of events has been discontinued."
"Ah. So you're here to rescue me?"
"No, not really, Rod. The problem is, the United States didn't have the capacity for interstellar travel back in the late sixties and early seventies. If it did, why didn't it use it against the USSR during the Cold War, given the decisive strategic advantage they would have had. So, we've reprogrammed your starship so it ends up orbiting a more technologically advanced planet in CE 5000, some distance away from Earth." As Taylor popped into of the repaired continuity, Black Vulcan had a look at the film version of the Planet of the Singed Anthropoids Who Speak Perfect English: "Say what?! There was a black dude onboard an' he got lobotomised?! Turkeys!!!"
"Well, that's that guy rescued somewhat. What about our next stop?"
On Interchangeablos, the Rottenson family robot suddenly waved his extensors about and cried:
[Warning! Warning! Stupid camp elderly series fixture approaching, screaming about something he's caused through his own recklessness and incompetence!]
Dr. Snuff screeched:"Ohhhh, Wallace!!! Help!!! I'm being chased by giant cucumbers!!!"
"We're not at war with the Vegetable People again?"
"All I did was twiddle a few dials on a carnival class 'alien device!' Ohhhhh!!!!" Dr Snuff screeched, then curled over. Major Dwayne East poked him with a stick:
"Oh. That's awkward. It looks like he's dead. Apparently, that last encounter with the giant cucumber was too much for him. He'd probably never seen anything that jutting, pendulous and erect for a long, long time."
"Dwayne, why is it that Peri and I haven't gone through puberty, even though we've been stranded on several interchangeable remote earthlike planets for at least three decades?"
"You think that's bad? Jenny and I are redblooded twentysomethings and we're supposed to behave like chaste, puritanical statues."
[Oh, I don't know. I tend to get my end off. Every five months a new female robot falls in love with me and robonooki results. I'm not complaining at all.]
"And that's another thing. Have you noticed the series has become overly fixated on the relationship betwen Wall, Dr Snuff and the Robot?"
Conveniently, the Freedom Brigade showed up:
"Ah. Is this the Uranus XXIII? " Bat Woman questioned.
"Apparently. Why, you're humans that speak English!" Captain Jim Rottenson exclaimed.
"Uh, dad? So do all of the aliens we encounter?"
"No, we really are humans that speak English. We represent the Freedom Brigade of the United States. We've come to rescue you from this interchangeable remote desolate planet and repetitious plotlines."
"Wow! You mean Peri and I can go through puberty?"
"And Marlene and I can finally collect our pensions?"
"And Dwayne and I can finally..."
Which left Dr Snuff's disembodied spirit pouting before Interchangeablos crashed into a black hole and ceased to exist and Dr Snuff found himself caught in a pocket universe where he couldn't annoy anyone else.
Finally, the trio showed up amidst a ragtag fleet of assorted starships, led by what seemed to be a stately battlecruiser starship: "Where are we now?" Black Vulcan asked.
"Our autosuits have activated, so it's somewhere in deep space. Ah, there's a handy soundtrack. Right, plugging in now..." Bat Woman said, as they listened:
"There are those who believe that life here began out there, somewhere else,with tribes of humans. Some tinfoil hat wearers believe that they were the foreparents of the Toltecs, or the Egyptians or the Mayans or the Aztecs or the Norse or the Polynesians or the lost continents of Atlantis, Mu, Lemuria or Baltimore. There may yet be bothered men behaving like space Mormons somewhere across the cosmos. Fleeing from the Cylon's abominable sense of internal decor, the last battlecruisershipcraft Collapsica leads a ratbag fleet heading toward a shunned planet, a backward dirtball called Earth."
"Attention, strange aliens in that translucent bubble. Are you lost and can we help?"
"Hey, a black dude! Awesome! And about time, I was startin' to think this whole lameass series was insufficiently woke. So who are you, my man?"
"I'm Colonel Tighe, second in command of the sole surviving fleet of humans. Our twelve-planet solar system got devastated by evil cyborg aliens called the Cylons. We seek a lost colony of our species called Dirt. Or Mud. Or...sorry, wrong translation. Earth."
"Uh, Bat Woman, a word please? Listen, these people look rather technologically advanced. If they end up on Earth, they're going to create massive technological pollution. And what's even worse, this is in the past, and there's a massive Freiberger Field of Stupid Space between here and Earth." Captain Swift said.
"Not good. Freiberger Fields degrade intelligence and logical coherence, leading to narrative sequences best suited to a five year old. What are we going to do?"
And so it was that the Freedom Brigade of the United States met the last remnants of colonic humanity, shook hands with Commander Amudda of the Battlestarcruisership Collapsica:
"Yes, we lost control of our interior decor many yearons ago and it ambushed us, destroying our civilisation and forcing us to flee for our lives."
"I'm Apallo, this is Shebear and the cigarettar smoker is Starpluck. What can you tell us of Earth?"
The Freedom Brigade looked at each other and realised they had to lie:
"Look, Earth has its own problems. Sorry, but we can resettle you on a remote planet several galaxies away due to vague and foggy standards of interstellar propulsion technology. It's a pristine, uninhabited world with no inconvenient predatory interstellar empires or dodgy indigenous inhabitants. Otherwise your youngsters will end up hopping around at high altitude going out on camps, the Cylons will reach Earth because you didn't bother to conceal your drive residue and there'll be embarrassingly garbled accounts of Earth history. Also an incredibly elderly and paranoid Earth president and an equally decrepit opposing Earth political leader. So, please, take our offer."
"Where is this wondrous planet?"
"It orbits a long-lived red dwarf star and is called... Argon!"
"Argon?"
"Well, Krypton, Neon, Xenon and Helium were already taken, and someone's apparently though Ogenasson was an excellent name for a planet too, so that only left Argon untaken, apart from some badly adapted animated Supergirl adventures. Let's see...so far we've rescued the humans from Planet of the Singed Anthropoids Who Speak Perfect English, Get Lost in Space and Battlestarcruisership Collapsica. Ah. Hello, Lightpower. What's happening back home?" Bat Woman said into her Bat Interstellar Communication Device.
[We have trouble, Bat Woman. The long-simmering hostilities between the Moensters and Addims Family have broken out into open warfare!!!]
"But that would mean Buck Warlock and Peculiar Place are in deadly danger! We must get back to our homeworld at once."
"Hey, is that a 'guest starring Amanda Wallop caption I see? Hot damn!!!" Black Vulcan said, grinning broadly, given his established continuity relationship with the head of Shady Squad.
THE END
"Oh, that one. Wasn't a movie in resonance with that Earth the cause of a major scandal in the sixties due to the full frontal male nudity?" Bat Woman queried.
"Delightful film. Based on French author Pierre Boulle's Planet of the Singed Anthropoids Who Speak Perfect English, I believe." Lady Liberty said, licking her lips. [Translation: La planète des anthropoïdes flambeés qui parlent un anglais parfait]
Black Vulcan raised an eyebrow: "Weren't that remade into Planet of the Naked Gay French Studs?" [Translation: Planète des Goujons français gays nus]
Captain Swift smiled wistfully: "I preferred that version."
"Oh, so did I..."
Green Trashcan cleared his throat: "Ah, here's a guy with a beard in a loincloth."
"They call me Rod Taylor. I was the captain of Libertine 1, an experimental starship launched from Earth-1968. We crashlanded on Earth-395578's fortieth century, although the time differs from film to film. This world is dominated by apes roughly on a par with the nineteenth century before the invention of the telegraph, railroads and the internal combustion engine. However, I think I'm supposed to be dead and dressed in my NSAA spacesuit."
"Never mind, cutie, we're here to rescue you."
"Ah. Therefore reversing the sequence of events by which Cornplaster, Ziracle and Dr Caffeine discovered your submerged starship, salvaged it, somehow repaired its FTL drive despite not having any conception of translight physics, and somehow escaped the destruction of this world, being thrown back to an alternate history's past, had a child, and somehow triggered a nuclear war between the USSR and a balkanised America which was recovering from a plague that killed all cats and dogs and somehow eventually made all surviving humans mute, at which point telepathic mutants hid beneath New York and worshipped a cobalt doomsday bomb, which was set off by you, ad nauseum."
"Wait a minute. Are you saying I'm responsible for all this?"
"Apparently. However, due to an interfering couple of Earth-0 interstellar police forces and angry people, you died prematurely, Cornplaster gained control of a multicoloured zebra-striped, polka-dotted, silver, sepia and pink power ring, and things went further wrong. Ziracle is dead, Cornplaster is on Earth-55, and the whole sequence of events that led to this bizarre sequence of events has been discontinued."
"Ah. So you're here to rescue me?"
"No, not really, Rod. The problem is, the United States didn't have the capacity for interstellar travel back in the late sixties and early seventies. If it did, why didn't it use it against the USSR during the Cold War, given the decisive strategic advantage they would have had. So, we've reprogrammed your starship so it ends up orbiting a more technologically advanced planet in CE 5000, some distance away from Earth." As Taylor popped into of the repaired continuity, Black Vulcan had a look at the film version of the Planet of the Singed Anthropoids Who Speak Perfect English: "Say what?! There was a black dude onboard an' he got lobotomised?! Turkeys!!!"
"Well, that's that guy rescued somewhat. What about our next stop?"
On Interchangeablos, the Rottenson family robot suddenly waved his extensors about and cried:
[Warning! Warning! Stupid camp elderly series fixture approaching, screaming about something he's caused through his own recklessness and incompetence!]
Dr. Snuff screeched:"Ohhhh, Wallace!!! Help!!! I'm being chased by giant cucumbers!!!"
"We're not at war with the Vegetable People again?"
"All I did was twiddle a few dials on a carnival class 'alien device!' Ohhhhh!!!!" Dr Snuff screeched, then curled over. Major Dwayne East poked him with a stick:
"Oh. That's awkward. It looks like he's dead. Apparently, that last encounter with the giant cucumber was too much for him. He'd probably never seen anything that jutting, pendulous and erect for a long, long time."
"Dwayne, why is it that Peri and I haven't gone through puberty, even though we've been stranded on several interchangeable remote earthlike planets for at least three decades?"
"You think that's bad? Jenny and I are redblooded twentysomethings and we're supposed to behave like chaste, puritanical statues."
[Oh, I don't know. I tend to get my end off. Every five months a new female robot falls in love with me and robonooki results. I'm not complaining at all.]
"And that's another thing. Have you noticed the series has become overly fixated on the relationship betwen Wall, Dr Snuff and the Robot?"
Conveniently, the Freedom Brigade showed up:
"Ah. Is this the Uranus XXIII? " Bat Woman questioned.
"Apparently. Why, you're humans that speak English!" Captain Jim Rottenson exclaimed.
"Uh, dad? So do all of the aliens we encounter?"
"No, we really are humans that speak English. We represent the Freedom Brigade of the United States. We've come to rescue you from this interchangeable remote desolate planet and repetitious plotlines."
"Wow! You mean Peri and I can go through puberty?"
"And Marlene and I can finally collect our pensions?"
"And Dwayne and I can finally..."
Which left Dr Snuff's disembodied spirit pouting before Interchangeablos crashed into a black hole and ceased to exist and Dr Snuff found himself caught in a pocket universe where he couldn't annoy anyone else.
Finally, the trio showed up amidst a ragtag fleet of assorted starships, led by what seemed to be a stately battlecruiser starship: "Where are we now?" Black Vulcan asked.
"Our autosuits have activated, so it's somewhere in deep space. Ah, there's a handy soundtrack. Right, plugging in now..." Bat Woman said, as they listened:
"There are those who believe that life here began out there, somewhere else,with tribes of humans. Some tinfoil hat wearers believe that they were the foreparents of the Toltecs, or the Egyptians or the Mayans or the Aztecs or the Norse or the Polynesians or the lost continents of Atlantis, Mu, Lemuria or Baltimore. There may yet be bothered men behaving like space Mormons somewhere across the cosmos. Fleeing from the Cylon's abominable sense of internal decor, the last battlecruisershipcraft Collapsica leads a ratbag fleet heading toward a shunned planet, a backward dirtball called Earth."
"Attention, strange aliens in that translucent bubble. Are you lost and can we help?"
"Hey, a black dude! Awesome! And about time, I was startin' to think this whole lameass series was insufficiently woke. So who are you, my man?"
"I'm Colonel Tighe, second in command of the sole surviving fleet of humans. Our twelve-planet solar system got devastated by evil cyborg aliens called the Cylons. We seek a lost colony of our species called Dirt. Or Mud. Or...sorry, wrong translation. Earth."
"Uh, Bat Woman, a word please? Listen, these people look rather technologically advanced. If they end up on Earth, they're going to create massive technological pollution. And what's even worse, this is in the past, and there's a massive Freiberger Field of Stupid Space between here and Earth." Captain Swift said.
"Not good. Freiberger Fields degrade intelligence and logical coherence, leading to narrative sequences best suited to a five year old. What are we going to do?"
And so it was that the Freedom Brigade of the United States met the last remnants of colonic humanity, shook hands with Commander Amudda of the Battlestarcruisership Collapsica:
"Yes, we lost control of our interior decor many yearons ago and it ambushed us, destroying our civilisation and forcing us to flee for our lives."
"I'm Apallo, this is Shebear and the cigarettar smoker is Starpluck. What can you tell us of Earth?"
The Freedom Brigade looked at each other and realised they had to lie:
"Look, Earth has its own problems. Sorry, but we can resettle you on a remote planet several galaxies away due to vague and foggy standards of interstellar propulsion technology. It's a pristine, uninhabited world with no inconvenient predatory interstellar empires or dodgy indigenous inhabitants. Otherwise your youngsters will end up hopping around at high altitude going out on camps, the Cylons will reach Earth because you didn't bother to conceal your drive residue and there'll be embarrassingly garbled accounts of Earth history. Also an incredibly elderly and paranoid Earth president and an equally decrepit opposing Earth political leader. So, please, take our offer."
"Where is this wondrous planet?"
"It orbits a long-lived red dwarf star and is called... Argon!"
"Argon?"
"Well, Krypton, Neon, Xenon and Helium were already taken, and someone's apparently though Ogenasson was an excellent name for a planet too, so that only left Argon untaken, apart from some badly adapted animated Supergirl adventures. Let's see...so far we've rescued the humans from Planet of the Singed Anthropoids Who Speak Perfect English, Get Lost in Space and Battlestarcruisership Collapsica. Ah. Hello, Lightpower. What's happening back home?" Bat Woman said into her Bat Interstellar Communication Device.
[We have trouble, Bat Woman. The long-simmering hostilities between the Moensters and Addims Family have broken out into open warfare!!!]
"But that would mean Buck Warlock and Peculiar Place are in deadly danger! We must get back to our homeworld at once."
"Hey, is that a 'guest starring Amanda Wallop caption I see? Hot damn!!!" Black Vulcan said, grinning broadly, given his established continuity relationship with the head of Shady Squad.
THE END