Post by redsycorax on Jan 28, 2019 0:27:47 GMT
Before Mr Might, the Last Offspring of Neon, married his long-time love Mermaid from Lemuria, he was eternally flummoxed by two extremely annoying and decidedly pre-feminist rivals for his affections and matrimony, Lori Lake and Louisa Louche, who regularly conducted all-in womens wrestling sessions to vie for his affections, along with name-calling and hair pulling. However, to offset all that needless and utterly tiresome sturm und drang, this story takes place after the two metahumans tied the knot:
"Choke! Gasp! Oh Louisa! Both of us wanted Mr Might and now neither of us can have him!"
"Sob sob!!! I know, Lori. He's married that fishwife strumpet instead! What can we do now?!"
"Carry on our highly paid and rewarding respective journalism careers instead?"
"No!!! I want to sacrifice my gainful employment to become a full time wife and mother!"
"So do I! Wait a minute, what about this convenient time tetrahedron from the League of Future Metahuman Law Enforcment Operatives?"
"Wow! What a handy and torturous plot device, Lori! Let's settle our differences and go back in time to Neon, making sure that Mr Might falls for one of us instead of the sea hag."
"But what about the fact that we're Terrans, Louisa? Won't they detect our pheromones aren't theirs and tell we're aliens?"
"Oh look, Lori. Two perfume bottles marked Eau de Neon. How divine! I love French perfume!" And so the two former Mr Might paramours slathered themselves in the fragrance before embarking in the time tetrahedron. From an adjacent bush, out popped oldtime Freedom Brigade enemy Deconstructo aka Paul Foucault, who chortled, in a totally atrocious, unconvincing ersatz French accent:
"Zut alors! Ze former Mistair Maart charactairs 'ave fallen for moi cunning plot! Now Mistair Maart weel be turned into an uttair pan slert! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
Abruptly, Bat Woman and Lightstick showed up:
"We're too late! Lake and Louche have gone off to ancient Neon to change Mr Might's history!" Lightstick exclaimed
"I told Clint they should've been written out ages ago, but no, they've just been hanging around as vaguely annoying background characters for comic relief. Until something like this happens."
"Er, Vicky, their specific objective is making sure that Mr Might falls for one of them instead of Mermaid. What harm could that possibly do?"
Unfortunately, as it turned out, a great deal. Lori Lake moaned:
"Oh no!!! Mighty Baby aka Barb-Ell has painted Crytpic the Mighty Cat green and blown up Neon VIII. How did I get sucked into this baby sitting routine?"
"Dumb-El and his wife Khlara went off to the Feelies and were short a childcare robot and you volunteered, remember?"
"Wait a minute! How convenient that a highly advanced, technologically sophisticated civilisation like Neon still uses corporal punishment against children! I'll simply turn on this highly useful Dumb-El Spanking Machine TM and discipline Barb-El that way!" Lori enthused.
"What an excellent idea! That'll teach his future self to throw over both of us for that wanton webtoed temptress!!"
"Waaahhh!!!" Mighty Baby complained, but in a freakish turn of events, he'd imprinted on both adult women with their Neonian pheromones and associated the spanking with pleasant sensations.
His future psychosexual development was indeed sabotaged, and while the two former Mr Might female love interests were on their way back to 2019 in the time tetrahedron, Deconstructo the stowaway jettisoned a Neonian fetish booklet translated into English for when Louisa Louche turned eighteen in Tinyville when Mr Might was still Mighty Lad. Suddenly, Mr Might's timeline was perverted as he was roundly whaled by Louisa, using a klepyshydra (Neonian spanky spoon). From then on, things went in a bizarre direction. Mr Might never joined the Freedom Brigade and never married Mermaid. Trumpanzee the First Orangutan never became the Republican presidential candidate in 2016 and resultantly cleaned up the Deep Southern Fried Republican vote as a result, leading to Hillary becoming president instead. Bat Woman abruptly decided against joining the Freedom Brigade. Because this was Earth-55, and all sorts of absurd conspiracy theories actually happened here, Hillary abruptly banned Republicanism, meaning that the Patriot, Lady Liberty and Badgirl were imprisoned for being political deviants. Captain Swift and Ira had enough of the sashaying conga lines of luridly dressed fundamentalists with bad hairstyles, wide lapels, ghastly colour uncoordinated shirts, flares, platform shoes and far too much costume jewelry that sprung up in retaliation. They emigrated to Canada as a result. Badman took over Slotham City and a poisoned custard pie ended the life of Robber the Teen Plunderer before he could become Lightswitch and reform. Mermaid was sent a home video of what Mr Might got up to with Louisa in the Dungeon of Salaciousness and heatbroken, retreated to Lemuria. In Britain, evil Queen Elizabeth II plotted a British invasion of America, and not just to vastly improve the standard of television and news outlet quality either. With the Freedom Brigade in fragments, there was no one left to stop her.
"You mean all this happened because we wanted Mr Might not to choose the Mermaid?" Lori exclaimed.
"Yes,' said Hillary, holding an extremely large blaster on the two of them,"and now guess which two former superhero exes are going to go right back and change things back the way they are. Rather that than constantly witnessing the Ass of Iron repeatedly getting reddened by the stern hand of Louisa Louche and that absurd Neonian spanking machine you brought back uptime with you. But leave me as president though- the whole timeline in which that hysterical orange anthropoid was president was created by that sinister genius Lex Object anyway. Into the time tetrahedron and change things back."
Unfortunately, that only made things worse. This time, Dumb-El, Mr Might's father, fell madly in love with Lori Lake and married her instead of Khlara, which meant that instead of Barb-El (Mr Might), she gave birth to Interphlora, who would become Ms Might instead. Angered by her jilting, Khlara invoked the ancient Neonian rite of t'pyng'pong, and fought Lori to the death on Mount Bla'aaht. With Ms Might shot off to Earth mistakenly instead of Mr Might, Bat Woman decided to become Manta Woman because the exhaust fumes from Ms Might's rocket fried the bat that originally inspired her, Badman never lost his fortune and was still Capeman, Robber the Man Plunderer was still wearing tight shorts and his boy sidekick outfit, Mermaid was too depressed to leave Lemuria, and Lady Liberty and Patriot gave up supeheroics after being framed by Hillary. Captain Swift was still active, as was Manta Woman. For some unknown reason too, a troupe of purple elephants in pink tulle frocks were doing the cancan on Santa Monica Boulevard for no good reason whatsoever.
"No! Are you two completely incompetent?!" Hillary scolded Lori and Louisa and made them go back to Neon and try to get it right. Unfortunately, that was tempting fate.
With an almighty splut, Earth-55's universe and its overstretched and endlessly repatched timestream shattered into coruscating tiny pieces, never to be reassembled. Basically because the author got tired of writing the series and manufactured this convoluted time travel plot to get rid of the Freedom Brigade once and for all. Heh heh heh.
THE END
"Choke! Gasp! Oh Louisa! Both of us wanted Mr Might and now neither of us can have him!"
"Sob sob!!! I know, Lori. He's married that fishwife strumpet instead! What can we do now?!"
"Carry on our highly paid and rewarding respective journalism careers instead?"
"No!!! I want to sacrifice my gainful employment to become a full time wife and mother!"
"So do I! Wait a minute, what about this convenient time tetrahedron from the League of Future Metahuman Law Enforcment Operatives?"
"Wow! What a handy and torturous plot device, Lori! Let's settle our differences and go back in time to Neon, making sure that Mr Might falls for one of us instead of the sea hag."
"But what about the fact that we're Terrans, Louisa? Won't they detect our pheromones aren't theirs and tell we're aliens?"
"Oh look, Lori. Two perfume bottles marked Eau de Neon. How divine! I love French perfume!" And so the two former Mr Might paramours slathered themselves in the fragrance before embarking in the time tetrahedron. From an adjacent bush, out popped oldtime Freedom Brigade enemy Deconstructo aka Paul Foucault, who chortled, in a totally atrocious, unconvincing ersatz French accent:
"Zut alors! Ze former Mistair Maart charactairs 'ave fallen for moi cunning plot! Now Mistair Maart weel be turned into an uttair pan slert! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
Abruptly, Bat Woman and Lightstick showed up:
"We're too late! Lake and Louche have gone off to ancient Neon to change Mr Might's history!" Lightstick exclaimed
"I told Clint they should've been written out ages ago, but no, they've just been hanging around as vaguely annoying background characters for comic relief. Until something like this happens."
"Er, Vicky, their specific objective is making sure that Mr Might falls for one of them instead of Mermaid. What harm could that possibly do?"
Unfortunately, as it turned out, a great deal. Lori Lake moaned:
"Oh no!!! Mighty Baby aka Barb-Ell has painted Crytpic the Mighty Cat green and blown up Neon VIII. How did I get sucked into this baby sitting routine?"
"Dumb-El and his wife Khlara went off to the Feelies and were short a childcare robot and you volunteered, remember?"
"Wait a minute! How convenient that a highly advanced, technologically sophisticated civilisation like Neon still uses corporal punishment against children! I'll simply turn on this highly useful Dumb-El Spanking Machine TM and discipline Barb-El that way!" Lori enthused.
"What an excellent idea! That'll teach his future self to throw over both of us for that wanton webtoed temptress!!"
"Waaahhh!!!" Mighty Baby complained, but in a freakish turn of events, he'd imprinted on both adult women with their Neonian pheromones and associated the spanking with pleasant sensations.
His future psychosexual development was indeed sabotaged, and while the two former Mr Might female love interests were on their way back to 2019 in the time tetrahedron, Deconstructo the stowaway jettisoned a Neonian fetish booklet translated into English for when Louisa Louche turned eighteen in Tinyville when Mr Might was still Mighty Lad. Suddenly, Mr Might's timeline was perverted as he was roundly whaled by Louisa, using a klepyshydra (Neonian spanky spoon). From then on, things went in a bizarre direction. Mr Might never joined the Freedom Brigade and never married Mermaid. Trumpanzee the First Orangutan never became the Republican presidential candidate in 2016 and resultantly cleaned up the Deep Southern Fried Republican vote as a result, leading to Hillary becoming president instead. Bat Woman abruptly decided against joining the Freedom Brigade. Because this was Earth-55, and all sorts of absurd conspiracy theories actually happened here, Hillary abruptly banned Republicanism, meaning that the Patriot, Lady Liberty and Badgirl were imprisoned for being political deviants. Captain Swift and Ira had enough of the sashaying conga lines of luridly dressed fundamentalists with bad hairstyles, wide lapels, ghastly colour uncoordinated shirts, flares, platform shoes and far too much costume jewelry that sprung up in retaliation. They emigrated to Canada as a result. Badman took over Slotham City and a poisoned custard pie ended the life of Robber the Teen Plunderer before he could become Lightswitch and reform. Mermaid was sent a home video of what Mr Might got up to with Louisa in the Dungeon of Salaciousness and heatbroken, retreated to Lemuria. In Britain, evil Queen Elizabeth II plotted a British invasion of America, and not just to vastly improve the standard of television and news outlet quality either. With the Freedom Brigade in fragments, there was no one left to stop her.
"You mean all this happened because we wanted Mr Might not to choose the Mermaid?" Lori exclaimed.
"Yes,' said Hillary, holding an extremely large blaster on the two of them,"and now guess which two former superhero exes are going to go right back and change things back the way they are. Rather that than constantly witnessing the Ass of Iron repeatedly getting reddened by the stern hand of Louisa Louche and that absurd Neonian spanking machine you brought back uptime with you. But leave me as president though- the whole timeline in which that hysterical orange anthropoid was president was created by that sinister genius Lex Object anyway. Into the time tetrahedron and change things back."
Unfortunately, that only made things worse. This time, Dumb-El, Mr Might's father, fell madly in love with Lori Lake and married her instead of Khlara, which meant that instead of Barb-El (Mr Might), she gave birth to Interphlora, who would become Ms Might instead. Angered by her jilting, Khlara invoked the ancient Neonian rite of t'pyng'pong, and fought Lori to the death on Mount Bla'aaht. With Ms Might shot off to Earth mistakenly instead of Mr Might, Bat Woman decided to become Manta Woman because the exhaust fumes from Ms Might's rocket fried the bat that originally inspired her, Badman never lost his fortune and was still Capeman, Robber the Man Plunderer was still wearing tight shorts and his boy sidekick outfit, Mermaid was too depressed to leave Lemuria, and Lady Liberty and Patriot gave up supeheroics after being framed by Hillary. Captain Swift was still active, as was Manta Woman. For some unknown reason too, a troupe of purple elephants in pink tulle frocks were doing the cancan on Santa Monica Boulevard for no good reason whatsoever.
"No! Are you two completely incompetent?!" Hillary scolded Lori and Louisa and made them go back to Neon and try to get it right. Unfortunately, that was tempting fate.
With an almighty splut, Earth-55's universe and its overstretched and endlessly repatched timestream shattered into coruscating tiny pieces, never to be reassembled. Basically because the author got tired of writing the series and manufactured this convoluted time travel plot to get rid of the Freedom Brigade once and for all. Heh heh heh.
THE END