Post by redsycorax on Dec 19, 2021 22:34:49 GMT
On Earth-55 (formerly Earth-12), history has taken some strange parodic twists compared to the more salubrious corners of the multiverse. There, the free world's greatest heroes became the staunch array of crimefighters and the valiant if slightly inept known as... the Freedom Force!!!
MEANWHILE, IN UPPER SLOBOVIA:
The Double Cross dictator Adenoid Hynkel was enacting one of his fiendish policies as in goosestepped his Number Two, Heinrich Heinrich:
"Ach der Limburger! What news do you have to impart, Heinrich?"
"Mein Leader! As you ordered, all mimes haff been arrested unt imprisoned in contraception camps. Zey are being interrogated by zee fearsome Evil Clown Corps."
"Hah! Zose subversives will rue the day that their gestural comedy routines mocked zer might of the Double Cross! Let's see. What other threats to the glorious Republic of der Double Cross are currently locked up in our prison camps?"
"Ah... at last count, schtand up comedians, Bink Crozby, Bob Hoop, May Vest and anyone else who makes fun of our regime within earshot."
"Hah hah ha ha! Ha! Can anything stand against us, Heinrich?"
"Nein, mine glorious leader!"
AND BACK IN CUPCAKE CITY...:
"Ah, Exmass! The time of the year when the little old lady known as the Solstice Witch, clad all in forest green, travels up from the basement to bring presents to all deserving children!" Hatman said as he and several other Freedom Force members took in the Exmass bunting and off-key carol singing:
"I haven't decided what I'm going to buy Lippy Lu, my thickset rather strapping young grand daughter yet. Perhaps I'll make her a tank like I did last year." Granny Gumshoe mused.
"It's odd that we haven't had any inroads from the Double Crossers for a couple of months. One would think Global War B wasn't still on."
"They might be busy with their latest fiendish domestic policy. Who'd want to round up harmless mimes, especially at this time of year?" Startleman observed.
"Yes, but we all know how insanely jealous Hynkel is of real comic talent. Apart from those brutal Evil Clowns of his."
"They're an evil bunch of jokers." Madam Fatal agreed with Dr Fey.
"Even as we speak, I suspect that Hynkel is hatching another monstrous plan to threaten America."
They were not wrong. In a shadowy corner of Cupcake City, the hairless horror known as Agent Herr Zoff, complete with toothbrush moustache, talked to his fellow spy, U-Hoo:
"Hairy people for America, bah! Let zem cower when I handle my box here!"
"Yah! Herr Zoff!"
"Incidentally, U, iss mein bald shiny enough? I keep vorrying zat i haff not polished it enough."
"Ach, Herr Zoff, it shines as much as effer."
"Goot! Zo let us steer zer truck over zere into that convenient high explosives stockpile."
"Yah! Herr Zoff!"
However, fortuitously, Fatman the Human Flying Saucer interposed himself between the explosive laden truck and the two Double Crosser spies:
"You two, again!"
"Get lost, fettsack!"
"You could have seriously hurt someone with that explosive-laden truck, Zoff."
"Ach! Zat voss der general idea, unt now I will shine my head at you, blinding you!"
At which point, Herr Zoff was tapped on the shoulder. U Hoo blanched:
"Ach, Herr Zoff! It is der Americaner blind crime fighter, Doktor Goodnite!"
Sundry WHAMS, POWS and ZAPS later, the heinous henchpeople were tied up around a powerpole:
"You vilt never force me to betray mein beloved Double Cross."
"That's what you think, Zoff. You see, we've denied you access to any barbers in prison. Your hair will grow back!"
"Nein! Nein! Mein beautiful baldistry, eradicated! Surely zis is against the Doolally Convention on the persecution of baldists?!"
"America isn't a signatory to that hair hating convention, you villain!"
And so, the mystery men, women and otherwise-gendered gathered around the Exmass Tree and had a group photo, ate turkey, drank eggnog and kissed one another under the mistletoe. They remembered the reason for the season, the birth of Jesus and Jessica H. Christ in a manger in Bethlem, who came to save the world from all manner of evil, especially wilful baldists who hack off all their hair in defiance of the motivation behind Godd throwing Adam, Eve, Lilith, Adele and Steve out of the Garden of Eden and despite the sorry fate of defiantly bald Slappim and Begorrah, for which sin Godd caused them to plummet down to Hades to face the clammy embrace of Waylonic Demons.
THE END
MEANWHILE, IN UPPER SLOBOVIA:
The Double Cross dictator Adenoid Hynkel was enacting one of his fiendish policies as in goosestepped his Number Two, Heinrich Heinrich:
"Ach der Limburger! What news do you have to impart, Heinrich?"
"Mein Leader! As you ordered, all mimes haff been arrested unt imprisoned in contraception camps. Zey are being interrogated by zee fearsome Evil Clown Corps."
"Hah! Zose subversives will rue the day that their gestural comedy routines mocked zer might of the Double Cross! Let's see. What other threats to the glorious Republic of der Double Cross are currently locked up in our prison camps?"
"Ah... at last count, schtand up comedians, Bink Crozby, Bob Hoop, May Vest and anyone else who makes fun of our regime within earshot."
"Hah hah ha ha! Ha! Can anything stand against us, Heinrich?"
"Nein, mine glorious leader!"
AND BACK IN CUPCAKE CITY...:
"Ah, Exmass! The time of the year when the little old lady known as the Solstice Witch, clad all in forest green, travels up from the basement to bring presents to all deserving children!" Hatman said as he and several other Freedom Force members took in the Exmass bunting and off-key carol singing:
"I haven't decided what I'm going to buy Lippy Lu, my thickset rather strapping young grand daughter yet. Perhaps I'll make her a tank like I did last year." Granny Gumshoe mused.
"It's odd that we haven't had any inroads from the Double Crossers for a couple of months. One would think Global War B wasn't still on."
"They might be busy with their latest fiendish domestic policy. Who'd want to round up harmless mimes, especially at this time of year?" Startleman observed.
"Yes, but we all know how insanely jealous Hynkel is of real comic talent. Apart from those brutal Evil Clowns of his."
"They're an evil bunch of jokers." Madam Fatal agreed with Dr Fey.
"Even as we speak, I suspect that Hynkel is hatching another monstrous plan to threaten America."
They were not wrong. In a shadowy corner of Cupcake City, the hairless horror known as Agent Herr Zoff, complete with toothbrush moustache, talked to his fellow spy, U-Hoo:
"Hairy people for America, bah! Let zem cower when I handle my box here!"
"Yah! Herr Zoff!"
"Incidentally, U, iss mein bald shiny enough? I keep vorrying zat i haff not polished it enough."
"Ach, Herr Zoff, it shines as much as effer."
"Goot! Zo let us steer zer truck over zere into that convenient high explosives stockpile."
"Yah! Herr Zoff!"
However, fortuitously, Fatman the Human Flying Saucer interposed himself between the explosive laden truck and the two Double Crosser spies:
"You two, again!"
"Get lost, fettsack!"
"You could have seriously hurt someone with that explosive-laden truck, Zoff."
"Ach! Zat voss der general idea, unt now I will shine my head at you, blinding you!"
At which point, Herr Zoff was tapped on the shoulder. U Hoo blanched:
"Ach, Herr Zoff! It is der Americaner blind crime fighter, Doktor Goodnite!"
Sundry WHAMS, POWS and ZAPS later, the heinous henchpeople were tied up around a powerpole:
"You vilt never force me to betray mein beloved Double Cross."
"That's what you think, Zoff. You see, we've denied you access to any barbers in prison. Your hair will grow back!"
"Nein! Nein! Mein beautiful baldistry, eradicated! Surely zis is against the Doolally Convention on the persecution of baldists?!"
"America isn't a signatory to that hair hating convention, you villain!"
And so, the mystery men, women and otherwise-gendered gathered around the Exmass Tree and had a group photo, ate turkey, drank eggnog and kissed one another under the mistletoe. They remembered the reason for the season, the birth of Jesus and Jessica H. Christ in a manger in Bethlem, who came to save the world from all manner of evil, especially wilful baldists who hack off all their hair in defiance of the motivation behind Godd throwing Adam, Eve, Lilith, Adele and Steve out of the Garden of Eden and despite the sorry fate of defiantly bald Slappim and Begorrah, for which sin Godd caused them to plummet down to Hades to face the clammy embrace of Waylonic Demons.
THE END