Post by redsycorax on Dec 12, 2022 0:57:25 GMT
Yes, it's yet another alternate Earth with what might seem an absolutely ridiculous cultural taboo and legislative prohibition. Here, there's a prohibition against religious women who wear habits and wack people with large rulers. Originally, it started as "nun control", but public opinion swung against the good sisters gone bad. Unfortunately, there are lots of extremely lame jokes involving misplaced references to firearms applied to these women ahead. Please don't say you weren't warned.
++
MUTROPOLIS:
Superdude, the world's grooviest being, intercepted Lotis Lamb as she was plummeting to the ground after being pushed off the Daily Asteroid building by Supie's arch enemy Lox Loafer, who had been permanently traumatised when an unfortunate chemical accident partially precpitated by Young Superdude permanently turned his hair red. Because this meant that he had no soul, he abruptly embarked on a prolonged vendetta against the Dude of Stainless Steel:
"Superdude! It's Loafer, again! He's broken out of his Gingertorium and wants revenge because that unfortunate hair colour accident decades ago! Incidentally, will you marry me?"
"Great satellites of Helium, Lotis! Will you never cease trying to lure me into matrimony?"
"Only when you agree to our nuptials, Superdude."
Superdude dared not tell Lotis the reason why he was turned off by her- because everyone from his native Helium regarded stamp collecting as evil, yet here on Earth, there were explicit scenes of postage stamp collecting in broad daylight, where everyone could see it, shameless and obscene! And also because Hellions only ate macrobiotic food, which wasn't available on Earth. And also because they wore green on Thursdays. Mercifully, his magnetic hearing then heard something ominous in the distance- nunfire!!!
"Great Helium, Lotis! Rampant nunnery is amok at Mutropolis First Central Bank! Sideways, sideways and toward!!" And off Superdude soared, vertically.
MUTROPOLIS FIRST CENTRAL BANK:
Superdude had no views about nun control or nun prohibition. He didn't think religious women who wore habits were all that bad, although vanished Helium worshipped red buns and didn't have anyone who wacked recalcitrant children with measuring sticks. Still, he was sworn to uphold the law of the land, even if he had doubts about the vocabulary skills of the Know-Nuthin Party currently dominant in Congress, led by Daphne Trunt, a large orange woman, opposed by the Sensible Party under Billerie Clanton, the Anti-President. Still, this nun violence had to be nullified:
"Twisted sisters! Cease your vexatious spanking of men in tight shorts for provoking unseemly thoughts! Or I'll blow you down with my super-breath!"
"Get lost, you alien interloper! We were driven to this life of crime by this unreasonable prohibition against our sort of religious women, which we suspect was actually intended to apply to small bread rolls, light entertainment and humour, Germans, bad jokes, stocking ladders or hundredweights, except for spelling errors!"
"Do not worry, Superdude ohdeityi'msodepressed brainthesizeofaplanetandthisisallIgettodo. I will detain them."
"Many thanks, Alphonse the Enervating Android." A lump came to Superdude's throat when he remembered who was inside Alphonse's head cavity and the reason the cyborg was so irritating. Years ago, under the influence of polka dot helium, he'd unfortunately missed Jerry Oblong as he'd fallen off the Daily Asteroid building after being pushed off by Lox Loafer, who seemed to do that to his friends a great deal. When the temporary effect cleared, Superdude was aghast to find that Jerry, his best friend, had landed rather hard. He took his staunch companion to Professor Phineas Phulcrum and the scientist housed Oblong's brain in a robot body. Unhappily, Jerry wasn't particularly happy about this turn of events as one might guess, although he tried to disguise his original identity by taking the name Alphonse and became a superhero in his own right. Rapidly, Alphonse negated the menace from the nuns violent habits and disarmed them by melting their rulers so young male posteriors in shorts would be forever safe.
At that point, the Justification Lodge signal device went off and Superdude hurried off to the JLA teleporter device. Instantly, his atoms were whisked 22,300 miles upward to the Justification Lodge satellite.
JUSTIFICATION LODGE OF AUSTRIA SATELLITE:
High above the Earth, the JLA satellite whirred, rang and jiggled. It had been up there since the seventies and hadn't been maintained very well. As Superdude left the teleport, he saw that the Lodge's other members had preceded him- Gnatman, the Insectile Avenger; Green Phantom, a viridian ghost sworn to uphold the law; Squawkman, an evolved robot chicken; the Mash, who caused things to rapidly collapse into entropy; and Warrant Woman, who took her law enforcement responsibilities very seriously indeed:
"Sorry I'm late, everyone! I was detained with an outbreak of nun violence in Mutropolis."
"Green Phantom, why don't you tell him?"
The green sheeted spectre cleared his intangible vocal chords: "Superdude, it's... our world. It's strangely incomplete, somewhat juvenile and doesn't make any sense whatsoever."
"Great Helium! But I thought we lived in a Gilded Age here!"
"No, sorry, it got downgraded to Silverfoil, then Brass, and now it's Rusted. Any moment now, we'll undergo a series of unpleasant abrupt characterisation changes that turn us into grim, gritty, adult characters with a randomised moral compass. Gnatman will take too many steroids and turn into an oversexed homophonic jerk, Warrant Woman will lose her one true lover Stan Tremble for the fourteenth time this year, Squawkman's original story will be revised yet again, and the Mash will be succeeded by his younger protege, Guy Mash."
"Great Helium! Do you mean to say that the cosmos will turn against us?! But what Crisis could lead to this?"
Gnatman stroked his chin and took his time: "It's a long story, old chump. However, I strongly suspect that this is a ... Crisis on Infantile Earths!!!"
"Will no-one be safe from this Crisis, Bram?"
Bram Wheat (Gnatman) shook his head: "Even now, Clerk, Earths inhabited by sentient duckoids are being invaded by predatory interdimensional fast food corporations, rains of confectionary are devastating whole cities on others and malificent Antarctic insurgent penguins are rampaging across Philadelphia DC on yet another. Characters with unsuccessful pilots, single seasons, derivative origins, surplus anthropomorphic animals and countless others are being flung into the screaming void, into the oblivion of doesn't-matter storms and striped skies."
"Great satellites of Helium! What can we do to stop it before we succumb to addled origins and inconsistent character development?!"
LOX LOAFER'S SECRET HEADQUARTERS:
Lox Loafer had meanwhile discovered an eldritch scroll recounting the legend that if a person stated the words SHAZBOT loudly enough, a magical lightning bolt from an exotic dimension would hit them and they would become... Captain Captain. Hmm, thought Lox craftily, it doesn't say you have to be a goody two shoes to take advantage of this. All right then: "SHAZBOT!"
BOULDER OF INDETERMINACY:
"Bother!" said Shazbot, the Old Wizard resident on the rock at the centre of all time and space. He would have said something more salty, but the Comics Coercion Authority was still in force and it didn't like that sort of commentary. He knew he should have inscribed a no evil users clause in the eldritch scroll, but he'd really tied one on at the Tower of Babel opening soiree thousands of years ago and had had one Hades of a hangover while preparing it. Ooops.
MUTROPOLIS:
"Great satellites of Helium!!! Lox Loafer, with superpowers!"
"Yes, Superdude, and I am empowered by magic."
"Lox, please. Don't do this. You don't have to be ginger."
"Hah! Never. Redheads are sexier! Oh, how I have been awaiting this day!"
WHAM POW SOCK SHOE UGH SLAP PTOOEY SPONG WIBBLE
"'Wibble?'"
"Search me, they cut back the budget on sound effects, apparently. You will not prevail, Superdude! I am invulnerable and unlike you, I also do not have vulnerability to helium in all its varied colours!"
"Ahhhh! Purple helium breath!" And so, Superdude plummeted from the skies, to impact heavily on the street below. Groggily, he heard the Wedding March, saw a minister and Lotis Lamb in a wedding dress. He moaned: "Not now, Lotis!"
"Under the terms of the Marriage Marriage If We Rave On About Marriage Enough, No-one Will Notice Our Lack of Real Policies Act 2003, I pronounce you wife and husband. You may liplock the groom."
"Too late, Superdude! We're lawfully wedded due to the legislation's streamlined provisions!"
"This is an incredible distraction, Lotis. Now where's Lox gone? Oh." For Captain Captain had torn up a skyscraper and had thrown it at Superdude. Lotis unexpectedly batted it aside:
"Lotis!? You have superpowers too?!"
"I got tired of waiting so I asked Professor Phulcrum to create a Permanent Superpowers chemical formula for me. And as for you, Loafer..."
"Urppp! She doesn't have any of your vulnerabilities, does she?"
"Great Helium! She's superer than I am!"
And in no time at all, Super Lotis had overpowered and tied up Lox, and had taken out an injunction order preventing Lox from ever repeating the word SHAZBOT in that particular universe. Which left Superdude in a situation: "But Lotis... how will we deal with this?"
"Oh Superdude, darling! Divorce was outlawed under the Marriage Marriage If We Rave On About Marriage Enough No-one Will Notice Our Lack of Real Policies Act 2003, so that's not an option."
"But Lotis, I'm an alien. We could never have children."
"Ah, that. Well, Professor Phulcrum is a world-class genius and happened to invent ectogenesis last Wednesday, and under the Marriage Marriage [etc] Act 2003, I'm entitled to your gametes, so I took some while you weren't looking."
"No! No! I'm a heterosexual bachelor!"
"Not now you aren't, buster. And as I'm now superer than you are, I'm taking over your career! Get into that kitchen and make me dinner!"
"Hooray for Super-Lotis! At last, the Man of Aluminium has a bossy, domineering partner without any of his vulnerabilities who can take over his life!!!" cheered a somewhat fickle crowd.
And thus ignominiously ended the career of Superdude, finally felled by the thing that not even he could surmount- lawfully wedded oblivion!
THE END [1.45 PM, DECEMBER 13, 2022]
++
MUTROPOLIS:
Superdude, the world's grooviest being, intercepted Lotis Lamb as she was plummeting to the ground after being pushed off the Daily Asteroid building by Supie's arch enemy Lox Loafer, who had been permanently traumatised when an unfortunate chemical accident partially precpitated by Young Superdude permanently turned his hair red. Because this meant that he had no soul, he abruptly embarked on a prolonged vendetta against the Dude of Stainless Steel:
"Superdude! It's Loafer, again! He's broken out of his Gingertorium and wants revenge because that unfortunate hair colour accident decades ago! Incidentally, will you marry me?"
"Great satellites of Helium, Lotis! Will you never cease trying to lure me into matrimony?"
"Only when you agree to our nuptials, Superdude."
Superdude dared not tell Lotis the reason why he was turned off by her- because everyone from his native Helium regarded stamp collecting as evil, yet here on Earth, there were explicit scenes of postage stamp collecting in broad daylight, where everyone could see it, shameless and obscene! And also because Hellions only ate macrobiotic food, which wasn't available on Earth. And also because they wore green on Thursdays. Mercifully, his magnetic hearing then heard something ominous in the distance- nunfire!!!
"Great Helium, Lotis! Rampant nunnery is amok at Mutropolis First Central Bank! Sideways, sideways and toward!!" And off Superdude soared, vertically.
MUTROPOLIS FIRST CENTRAL BANK:
Superdude had no views about nun control or nun prohibition. He didn't think religious women who wore habits were all that bad, although vanished Helium worshipped red buns and didn't have anyone who wacked recalcitrant children with measuring sticks. Still, he was sworn to uphold the law of the land, even if he had doubts about the vocabulary skills of the Know-Nuthin Party currently dominant in Congress, led by Daphne Trunt, a large orange woman, opposed by the Sensible Party under Billerie Clanton, the Anti-President. Still, this nun violence had to be nullified:
"Twisted sisters! Cease your vexatious spanking of men in tight shorts for provoking unseemly thoughts! Or I'll blow you down with my super-breath!"
"Get lost, you alien interloper! We were driven to this life of crime by this unreasonable prohibition against our sort of religious women, which we suspect was actually intended to apply to small bread rolls, light entertainment and humour, Germans, bad jokes, stocking ladders or hundredweights, except for spelling errors!"
"Do not worry, Superdude ohdeityi'msodepressed brainthesizeofaplanetandthisisallIgettodo. I will detain them."
"Many thanks, Alphonse the Enervating Android." A lump came to Superdude's throat when he remembered who was inside Alphonse's head cavity and the reason the cyborg was so irritating. Years ago, under the influence of polka dot helium, he'd unfortunately missed Jerry Oblong as he'd fallen off the Daily Asteroid building after being pushed off by Lox Loafer, who seemed to do that to his friends a great deal. When the temporary effect cleared, Superdude was aghast to find that Jerry, his best friend, had landed rather hard. He took his staunch companion to Professor Phineas Phulcrum and the scientist housed Oblong's brain in a robot body. Unhappily, Jerry wasn't particularly happy about this turn of events as one might guess, although he tried to disguise his original identity by taking the name Alphonse and became a superhero in his own right. Rapidly, Alphonse negated the menace from the nuns violent habits and disarmed them by melting their rulers so young male posteriors in shorts would be forever safe.
At that point, the Justification Lodge signal device went off and Superdude hurried off to the JLA teleporter device. Instantly, his atoms were whisked 22,300 miles upward to the Justification Lodge satellite.
JUSTIFICATION LODGE OF AUSTRIA SATELLITE:
High above the Earth, the JLA satellite whirred, rang and jiggled. It had been up there since the seventies and hadn't been maintained very well. As Superdude left the teleport, he saw that the Lodge's other members had preceded him- Gnatman, the Insectile Avenger; Green Phantom, a viridian ghost sworn to uphold the law; Squawkman, an evolved robot chicken; the Mash, who caused things to rapidly collapse into entropy; and Warrant Woman, who took her law enforcement responsibilities very seriously indeed:
"Sorry I'm late, everyone! I was detained with an outbreak of nun violence in Mutropolis."
"Green Phantom, why don't you tell him?"
The green sheeted spectre cleared his intangible vocal chords: "Superdude, it's... our world. It's strangely incomplete, somewhat juvenile and doesn't make any sense whatsoever."
"Great Helium! But I thought we lived in a Gilded Age here!"
"No, sorry, it got downgraded to Silverfoil, then Brass, and now it's Rusted. Any moment now, we'll undergo a series of unpleasant abrupt characterisation changes that turn us into grim, gritty, adult characters with a randomised moral compass. Gnatman will take too many steroids and turn into an oversexed homophonic jerk, Warrant Woman will lose her one true lover Stan Tremble for the fourteenth time this year, Squawkman's original story will be revised yet again, and the Mash will be succeeded by his younger protege, Guy Mash."
"Great Helium! Do you mean to say that the cosmos will turn against us?! But what Crisis could lead to this?"
Gnatman stroked his chin and took his time: "It's a long story, old chump. However, I strongly suspect that this is a ... Crisis on Infantile Earths!!!"
"Will no-one be safe from this Crisis, Bram?"
Bram Wheat (Gnatman) shook his head: "Even now, Clerk, Earths inhabited by sentient duckoids are being invaded by predatory interdimensional fast food corporations, rains of confectionary are devastating whole cities on others and malificent Antarctic insurgent penguins are rampaging across Philadelphia DC on yet another. Characters with unsuccessful pilots, single seasons, derivative origins, surplus anthropomorphic animals and countless others are being flung into the screaming void, into the oblivion of doesn't-matter storms and striped skies."
"Great satellites of Helium! What can we do to stop it before we succumb to addled origins and inconsistent character development?!"
LOX LOAFER'S SECRET HEADQUARTERS:
Lox Loafer had meanwhile discovered an eldritch scroll recounting the legend that if a person stated the words SHAZBOT loudly enough, a magical lightning bolt from an exotic dimension would hit them and they would become... Captain Captain. Hmm, thought Lox craftily, it doesn't say you have to be a goody two shoes to take advantage of this. All right then: "SHAZBOT!"
BOULDER OF INDETERMINACY:
"Bother!" said Shazbot, the Old Wizard resident on the rock at the centre of all time and space. He would have said something more salty, but the Comics Coercion Authority was still in force and it didn't like that sort of commentary. He knew he should have inscribed a no evil users clause in the eldritch scroll, but he'd really tied one on at the Tower of Babel opening soiree thousands of years ago and had had one Hades of a hangover while preparing it. Ooops.
MUTROPOLIS:
"Great satellites of Helium!!! Lox Loafer, with superpowers!"
"Yes, Superdude, and I am empowered by magic."
"Lox, please. Don't do this. You don't have to be ginger."
"Hah! Never. Redheads are sexier! Oh, how I have been awaiting this day!"
WHAM POW SOCK SHOE UGH SLAP PTOOEY SPONG WIBBLE
"'Wibble?'"
"Search me, they cut back the budget on sound effects, apparently. You will not prevail, Superdude! I am invulnerable and unlike you, I also do not have vulnerability to helium in all its varied colours!"
"Ahhhh! Purple helium breath!" And so, Superdude plummeted from the skies, to impact heavily on the street below. Groggily, he heard the Wedding March, saw a minister and Lotis Lamb in a wedding dress. He moaned: "Not now, Lotis!"
"Under the terms of the Marriage Marriage If We Rave On About Marriage Enough, No-one Will Notice Our Lack of Real Policies Act 2003, I pronounce you wife and husband. You may liplock the groom."
"Too late, Superdude! We're lawfully wedded due to the legislation's streamlined provisions!"
"This is an incredible distraction, Lotis. Now where's Lox gone? Oh." For Captain Captain had torn up a skyscraper and had thrown it at Superdude. Lotis unexpectedly batted it aside:
"Lotis!? You have superpowers too?!"
"I got tired of waiting so I asked Professor Phulcrum to create a Permanent Superpowers chemical formula for me. And as for you, Loafer..."
"Urppp! She doesn't have any of your vulnerabilities, does she?"
"Great Helium! She's superer than I am!"
And in no time at all, Super Lotis had overpowered and tied up Lox, and had taken out an injunction order preventing Lox from ever repeating the word SHAZBOT in that particular universe. Which left Superdude in a situation: "But Lotis... how will we deal with this?"
"Oh Superdude, darling! Divorce was outlawed under the Marriage Marriage If We Rave On About Marriage Enough No-one Will Notice Our Lack of Real Policies Act 2003, so that's not an option."
"But Lotis, I'm an alien. We could never have children."
"Ah, that. Well, Professor Phulcrum is a world-class genius and happened to invent ectogenesis last Wednesday, and under the Marriage Marriage [etc] Act 2003, I'm entitled to your gametes, so I took some while you weren't looking."
"No! No! I'm a heterosexual bachelor!"
"Not now you aren't, buster. And as I'm now superer than you are, I'm taking over your career! Get into that kitchen and make me dinner!"
"Hooray for Super-Lotis! At last, the Man of Aluminium has a bossy, domineering partner without any of his vulnerabilities who can take over his life!!!" cheered a somewhat fickle crowd.
And thus ignominiously ended the career of Superdude, finally felled by the thing that not even he could surmount- lawfully wedded oblivion!
THE END [1.45 PM, DECEMBER 13, 2022]