Post by redsycorax on Mar 5, 2023 22:33:31 GMT
Yes, it's yet another Tale of the Dork Multiverse involving an alternate Jimmy Olsen! See what happens when Jemmy Nolsen, Superbeing's Best Pal, takes up with Helghilda, a sultry Viking princess from the distant past! Except for the fact that this time, fate takes a hand. Boy, am I sick of writing about this loser...
++
MOUNT MENTROPOLIS:
After being given the sideway push by his girlfriend, Loosy Loop, yet again in favour of a handsome ski instructor, Jemmy Nolsen decided to jump the abyss of the Clutterbuck Chasm. Inevitably he didn't make it, ending up in a pile of snow. Dazed and confused, he heard sounds from someone buried, which turned out to be a beautiful Viking princess who had somehow made it to North America and who inexplicably was still alive and able to speak perfect twentieth century English, despite having been buried for over a millennium. Or was it because Jemmy had visited the Viking era himself and spoke perfect Old Norse? See? You didn't know Jemmy was a perfect linguist now, did you, admit it!
Out of the snow came a beautiful redheaded woman in archaic Viking clothing: "Hah! Redhaired stripling! Thou shalt be the husband of Helghilda, the mighty female Viking warrior!"
"Ulp. Hey, wait a minute. You're cute. So have you been miraculously frozen since Leif Erikson visited North America in the eleventh century?"
"Sounds like it. We landed here in Vinland and decided to establish a farm here. Unfortunately, my foot slipped and I fell into this convenient glacier."
"Your little hand is frozen. Here, let me warm it for you..."
EARTH-55:
[Wait a minute, Freedom Brigade headquarters?! How did they get into this storyline?!- Author]
Mr Might looked stentorianly at the image on the viewscreen:
"Any moment now, the robot will activate and perform its mission."
Mermaid sighed: "Is this really necessary, Clint?"
"I'm afraid so, Lauren. You see, what naive surface observers of these Jimmyolsens fail to realise is that they're actually soulless parthenogenic creatures who reproduce incessantly and plague the multiverse with their antics, continually metamorphosing into unlikely lifeforms, getting into unfortunate relationships and constantly having to be rescued. They're what are called 'philosophical zombies" who look and act like humanoids but are actually empty shells. They've started to proliferate in the Dork Multiverse, just like tbe Battmales of an earlier period. If they're not stopped, they'll end up overrunning the whole multiverse."
"Gosh, Clint. When you put it like that, I guess it's okay..."
EARTH-1069:
And so, Helghilda the Killer Robot took Jemmy Nolsen in her arms and squeezed what was simulated as "life" and "knowledge" from him. As the crystalline Jemmy shattered, along came Loosy Loop:
"Gasp! So Jemmy was nothing more than a fiendish replicant duplicate of a human being all the time! But didn't you want to Marry him?"
"Look, I'm a quite healthy female heterosexual robot, which means that I prefer male heterosexual robots. Human guys don't do it for me, sister. And moreover, if you'd married this Jemmy Nolsen, your life-force would have been drained to insure his future metamorphoses into additional ridiculous creatures. Incidentally, why is it that you kept giving him second chances after the way he repeatedly cheated on you?"
"It's the mid-sixties, Helghilda and no-one's heard of feminism yet. Anyway, I'm not like my sister Lorikeet, continually wanting to be Mrs Superbeing all the time. I have some pride. So what now? Are you going to lay waste to the world around us?"
"Loosy Loop, I know this may be hard for you to accept, but the multiverse is plagued by Jimmyolsens. They're soulless and lifeless philosophical zombies who look and act like humans but are really empty shells."
"No. No, you're right. Helghilda, I've been so blind! How do I join your crusade to free the multiverse from the shackles of enslavement to twee badly written weird Jimmyolsen stories?"
"Hmm, this could be fun. Loosy, what say we found a Jimmyolsen Extirpation Squad?"
"Oh, I like that idea! But... "Extirpation?"
"Well, Jimmyolsens are actually lifeless, mindless and soulless husks that impersonate human beings, so they can't be 'exterminated. I mean, it's not as if they're sentient or even alive."
"And where did you get those chic ruby slippers from?"
"They may look like 'ruby slippers', but they're actually sophisticated inter-universe transmatter devices. Here, have a spare..."
And so, Helghilda and Loosy Loop 1069 vanished, embarking once more on the endless mission of the Jimmyolsen Extirpation Squad, namely to rid the multiverse of redhaired simulated philosophical zombies masquerading as bowtied adolescent cub reporters for grating megalopolitan newspapers and save the cosmos for truth, judiciousness and amusement everywhere!!!
THE END [10.25 AM, MARCH 6, 2023]
Hey kids! Do you want to rid the multiverse of the cosmic threat presented by the proliferation of mindless, soulless and lifeless redhaired bow tied Jimmyolsen philosophical zombie replicas of human beings? Just send money in whatever's legal tender on your Earth to:
The Jimmyolsen Extirpation Squad
PO Box 000011169- B3456=QQ/4555-XO991
Pendledelphia, United States of Amerrica
Earth-55.
Note: No Jimmyolsens were spun, folded, stapled, mutilated, torn asunder, sawed in half, transformed into peculiar entities or got into ridiculous triangular love ties in this episode. Given that they're soulless, lifeless and mindless philosophical zombies anyway, however, don't be surprised if this happens incessantly in future stories of this nature. Hey, South Park got away with killing Kenny off repeatedly for several seasons, after all.
++
MOUNT MENTROPOLIS:
After being given the sideway push by his girlfriend, Loosy Loop, yet again in favour of a handsome ski instructor, Jemmy Nolsen decided to jump the abyss of the Clutterbuck Chasm. Inevitably he didn't make it, ending up in a pile of snow. Dazed and confused, he heard sounds from someone buried, which turned out to be a beautiful Viking princess who had somehow made it to North America and who inexplicably was still alive and able to speak perfect twentieth century English, despite having been buried for over a millennium. Or was it because Jemmy had visited the Viking era himself and spoke perfect Old Norse? See? You didn't know Jemmy was a perfect linguist now, did you, admit it!
Out of the snow came a beautiful redheaded woman in archaic Viking clothing: "Hah! Redhaired stripling! Thou shalt be the husband of Helghilda, the mighty female Viking warrior!"
"Ulp. Hey, wait a minute. You're cute. So have you been miraculously frozen since Leif Erikson visited North America in the eleventh century?"
"Sounds like it. We landed here in Vinland and decided to establish a farm here. Unfortunately, my foot slipped and I fell into this convenient glacier."
"Your little hand is frozen. Here, let me warm it for you..."
EARTH-55:
[Wait a minute, Freedom Brigade headquarters?! How did they get into this storyline?!- Author]
Mr Might looked stentorianly at the image on the viewscreen:
"Any moment now, the robot will activate and perform its mission."
Mermaid sighed: "Is this really necessary, Clint?"
"I'm afraid so, Lauren. You see, what naive surface observers of these Jimmyolsens fail to realise is that they're actually soulless parthenogenic creatures who reproduce incessantly and plague the multiverse with their antics, continually metamorphosing into unlikely lifeforms, getting into unfortunate relationships and constantly having to be rescued. They're what are called 'philosophical zombies" who look and act like humanoids but are actually empty shells. They've started to proliferate in the Dork Multiverse, just like tbe Battmales of an earlier period. If they're not stopped, they'll end up overrunning the whole multiverse."
"Gosh, Clint. When you put it like that, I guess it's okay..."
EARTH-1069:
And so, Helghilda the Killer Robot took Jemmy Nolsen in her arms and squeezed what was simulated as "life" and "knowledge" from him. As the crystalline Jemmy shattered, along came Loosy Loop:
"Gasp! So Jemmy was nothing more than a fiendish replicant duplicate of a human being all the time! But didn't you want to Marry him?"
"Look, I'm a quite healthy female heterosexual robot, which means that I prefer male heterosexual robots. Human guys don't do it for me, sister. And moreover, if you'd married this Jemmy Nolsen, your life-force would have been drained to insure his future metamorphoses into additional ridiculous creatures. Incidentally, why is it that you kept giving him second chances after the way he repeatedly cheated on you?"
"It's the mid-sixties, Helghilda and no-one's heard of feminism yet. Anyway, I'm not like my sister Lorikeet, continually wanting to be Mrs Superbeing all the time. I have some pride. So what now? Are you going to lay waste to the world around us?"
"Loosy Loop, I know this may be hard for you to accept, but the multiverse is plagued by Jimmyolsens. They're soulless and lifeless philosophical zombies who look and act like humans but are really empty shells."
"No. No, you're right. Helghilda, I've been so blind! How do I join your crusade to free the multiverse from the shackles of enslavement to twee badly written weird Jimmyolsen stories?"
"Hmm, this could be fun. Loosy, what say we found a Jimmyolsen Extirpation Squad?"
"Oh, I like that idea! But... "Extirpation?"
"Well, Jimmyolsens are actually lifeless, mindless and soulless husks that impersonate human beings, so they can't be 'exterminated. I mean, it's not as if they're sentient or even alive."
"And where did you get those chic ruby slippers from?"
"They may look like 'ruby slippers', but they're actually sophisticated inter-universe transmatter devices. Here, have a spare..."
And so, Helghilda and Loosy Loop 1069 vanished, embarking once more on the endless mission of the Jimmyolsen Extirpation Squad, namely to rid the multiverse of redhaired simulated philosophical zombies masquerading as bowtied adolescent cub reporters for grating megalopolitan newspapers and save the cosmos for truth, judiciousness and amusement everywhere!!!
THE END [10.25 AM, MARCH 6, 2023]
Hey kids! Do you want to rid the multiverse of the cosmic threat presented by the proliferation of mindless, soulless and lifeless redhaired bow tied Jimmyolsen philosophical zombie replicas of human beings? Just send money in whatever's legal tender on your Earth to:
The Jimmyolsen Extirpation Squad
PO Box 000011169- B3456=QQ/4555-XO991
Pendledelphia, United States of Amerrica
Earth-55.
Note: No Jimmyolsens were spun, folded, stapled, mutilated, torn asunder, sawed in half, transformed into peculiar entities or got into ridiculous triangular love ties in this episode. Given that they're soulless, lifeless and mindless philosophical zombies anyway, however, don't be surprised if this happens incessantly in future stories of this nature. Hey, South Park got away with killing Kenny off repeatedly for several seasons, after all.