Post by redsycorax on Mar 18, 2023 2:19:32 GMT
The Dork Multiverse is in Crisis. Yes, I know, but this is an altogether new one. No, really it is. It's being overrun by inane Jimmyolsens and the infestation has reached critical proportions. And I'm afraid that means it's time for yet another multiversal pile-up. Can even the combined farces of the Freedom Brigade, Ratman, Brawnhilda, Witch Kraft, Nikki and Rorty, Batqueen, the Lavendar Tornado and GLEEP overcome the Plague of the Jimmies
? Sorry, now my word processor's producing excessive question and exclamation marks...
+++
EARTH-55:
A plague of Jimmyolsens had descended on Earth-55. Dimunitive copies of the ginger-haired, bow-tied, green jacketed eternally teenage Supermansbestpal were overrunning the planet, with cataclysmic results. Even Mr Might was being taxed with the endless screeching noises from the Jimmyolsens ultrasonic signal watches, bow ties, combs, chastity rings, shoelaces, belt buckles and buttons. Fortunately, Bat Woman's bat-ultra-scanner device had produced the finding that the Jimmyolsens were soulless, lifeless and mindless creatures that only simulated human responses. Given that they were therefore 'philosophical zombies', they were doctrinally declared Ontological Pests by most reputable religions and the world's metahuman population were morally and ethically free to squash, incinerate or otherwise decimate their numbers.
As Bat Woman loaded her Batzooka and lined up its sights, Captain Swift had a large bundle of screeching Jimmyolsens in a giant bag and was running fast enough to insure they caught alight and disintegrated into flaming fragments. Mermaid had marshalled hordes of sharks to dispose of several hundred more Jimmyolsens as Mr Might flung a building full of them into the sea, even if some of the sharks were fussy eaters and the animal rights lobby were angrily picketing the FBUS on the grounds of animal cruelty. But there were limits- Green Trashcan's smell o ring was powerless, given that the Jimmyolsens had no sense of smell, otherwise they would have been asphyxiated by Man-Skunk Hybrid Olsenii within their ranks. As Lady Liberty's flying tiara slashed through another several dozen, Princess Power noted a series of lopsided Olsenii who had began to bulge peculiarly. The Eye raised his solitary eyebrow:
"Uh oh. It looks like the Jimmyolsens have evolved parthenogenesis to compensate for the fact that they're continually get turned down by Lucy Lanes across the multiverse."
"Oh, that's really not fair. Hey, wait a minute. If they're guys, how can they give birth if they're not transgender anyway?" Lightpower queried as he cut down several more with his razorrangs.
"Possibly because they're only simulating an approximation of humanity and can reproduce asexually?" The Mighty Hermaphrodite had thrown an asteroid at a starship full of Jimmies, resulting in a distant blinding surge of antimatter radiation several light years away.
"We're outnumbered. Hang on a minute, though. What about the analogous epidemic of Phil Ken Sebbens on Earth-79? They could help us through this." Mr Might concluded.
"Green Trashcan, Princess Power and Lightpower, we can spare all of you at the moment. Take a transmatter cross universal teleport and ask Batqueen and the others for help."
EARTH-79:
"Wow maaaaaaaaaaaaaan, this is heavy!!!" Funky Superman wailed as he was overrun by a horde of Jimmyolsens.
"Why did you accept his friendship offer anyway, you pillbox?" Batqueen complained as he used the Batom Bomb to destroy an entire island of Jimmies.
"They said I was their Best Friend maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnn..." Funky Superman was lost to sight amidst the churning, chattering inane plague of Jimmyolsens.
"Why does this always happen to our universe in particular? First we're overrun by a plague of Phil Ken Sebbens, now these ginger haired bow-tied freckled abominations! If we don't survive this, it won't be a world of somewhat addled superheroes, it will be a world of Philosophical Zombie Olsens, whose inane chattering and unlikely adventures will push our universe's probability levels down below the Goody Rickelsian Threshold and cause us to cease to exist!" Lavendar Tornado exclaimed in an infodump expository dialogue commentary on their current strategic and existential situations.
"Hey, folks. I see you're having similar problems to ours when it comes to the multiversal Plague of Jimmies. Do you have any insights to impart to the Freedom Brigade that might help us? We heard your Phil Ken Sebben omnidemic ended a few years ago." Green Trashcan willed his most repugnant odours into his smell o ring and concentrated with all his effort, but as soon as he asphyxiated one horde of Jimmyolsens, another arose to take their place.
"Yes, but that was only because our universe had to purge itself with a big bang to rid itself of the threat in question. Unfortunately, Funky Superman was high on Red Kryptonian Happy Weed again and accepted a Best Pal Application on antisocial media from one of the Jimmyolsens. He exploited it to open a portal into our universe and now history is repeating itself. As soon as we mow down another several million, their infernal parthenogenesis causes them to spontaneously reproduce a replacement. And what's worse, as they're only masquerading as living human beings, they grow to maturity instantaneously."
"I see. It's going to be one of those multiversal crossovers, is it? All right, let's do the inevitable and look up Earth-9767." Princess Power sighed as she reprogrammed the transmatter cube.
EARTH-9767:
"Ho, Jimmyolsens! Eat the hard diamond metal of my mighty blade Olsenslaughterer!" Brawnhilde cried as she and the League of Atrociously Conceptualised Entities [Well, they needed to have a heroic ensemble name and I ran out, so I decided to use a Heroic Team Random Name Generator to produce one- Author] fought the escalating Plague of Jimmies as they chattered and drove down the already scandalously low probability rating of Earth-9767.
"Wow, isn't it convenient Brawnhilda has a magical Olsen-Slaughtering enchanted sword?" Ratman asked as Witch Kraft summoned an anti-Olsen devouring dragon to dispose of another several hundred.
As Nikki Snuff and her aunt, Professor Nadine Rorty mowed down another horde of Jimmyolsens with a deadly fusillade of particle beams, Nikki cursed:
"Damn it! This is useless! As soon as we mow down a thousand or so, more emerge to take their place. Jerry, what can we do? If we don't make some inroad into their numbers, then our entire universe will be overrun by Jimmyolsens and fall to incoherence, continuity glitches and repeatedly inane plotlines!" Brawnehilda said as her Olsenslaughterer blade chopped, diced and sauteed hordes more Olsenii. As it reached critical digestive mass, Witch Kraft's eight hundredth Olsen-devouring dragon made a screeching sound, turned bright blue and keeled over.
"What do you mean, you're out of Olsen-devouring dragons?" Witch Kraft said as Thaumaturgy R Us informed her that Earth-9767 had exceeded its quota of Olsenophagii draconis, and anyway, given the multiversal range of the Plague of Jimmies, an infinite number of universes had made heavy demands on even its reserve stores of Olsen-devourers.
Nadine Rorty flew overhead with a new plot device, olseniimortic viruses, but although another hundred thousand Olsenii keeled over and scrabbled with their hands and legs in the air before dying in vast numbers, another horde adapted to the virus and developed immunity. As a Giant Obese Porcupine Jimmy discharged its quills at them, Princess Power deflected them with her Glamazonian bracelets as the Freedom Brigade and GLEEP arrived.
But was it pointless?
Across the multiverse, hordes of inane Jimmyolsens laid waste to realities everywhere. They wooed characters in Jane Austen and Bronte novels, wore anachronistic Beatle wigs in Shakespearean dramas and disrupted established continuity there, destroyed capitalism, communism and the course of history through their anachronistic presence elsewhere. Timelines splintered and broke apart into the screeching void of bleedspace as Jimmy Olsens overran the Old West, World War II, ancient Rome and even the thirtieth century.
Was Creation Itself about to perish from a cosmic over the top parody of antipathy toward endless numbers of Tarnished Silver Age Jimmy Olsen hack stories?'
EARTH-RTKOGNH:
On this placid Earth, where things were so nice it was even forbidden to pick flowers because it would hurt them, Jimmyolsenry had gone totally beserk. Atop the Imperial State Buildings in New Lancaster, a Giant Gorilla Jimmy News Reporter fended off divebombers, carrying a blonde woman who completely looked unlike a Lucy Lane analogue, while a Godzilla Jimmy attacked the city at the same time as Giant Moth Jimmy and others too numerous to mention chased a panicking population of central casting citydwellers while a Jimmydeity blotted out the sky and hordes of Barbarian Jimmies laid waste to the surroundings.
The 5E Heroes Of Our Planet (5EHOOP) were cornered. No matter how much the heroic Captain Atom analogue Doc Quantum tried to fend them off with his quantum beams, no matter how John Author used his parakinetic powers to create deep holes beneath the attacking Jimmies, no matter how Red Sycorax the Sorceror used his thaumaturgy to conjure up anti-Jimmy enchantments and no matter how much the Dan of Steel threw girders and large pieces of masonry at them, it was a forelorn battle.
Doc Quantum sensed a terrible disturbance with his quantum abilities: "It's no good, 5E HOOP. I sense the downfall of our whole universe is pending. In a matter of minutes, peak Jimmyolsenry will engulf it and our cosmos will break apart like a cheap cupcake!"
"Elphaba's Broomstick, Doc. There must be something we can do, or the Earth will belong to the Olsens!"
"We're the only world left no no no !!!"
JIMMITY JIMMITY OLSENRY OLSENRY JIMMITY JIMMITY OLSENRY OLSENRY JIMMITY JIMMITY OLSENRY JIMMITY...
EARTH-9767:
"Witch Kraft, this appears to be hopeless, unless we can foil this absurd runaway Olsen proliferation with some ridiculous and improbable counterplot of our own."
"We need to travel to Yet Another Earth, Eye. Then we will have a stopgap firebreak thingy to deal with this Crisis of Infinite Jimmies!"
"'Thingy?' Are you sure this isn't an excuse to unnecessarily extend this rather gimmicky plotline?" Nikki Strife muttered.
"Remember, past a certain threshold in the Heisenberg Alternate Probability Index, this isn't happening."
"I know that, Batqueen. Worry not. My thaumaturgical talents will take us to the far-out alternate Earth known as..."
EARTH-388:
"Bleurghhh!!! Who died and created this Earth's elemental concentrations?! It's tutti-frutti!" Nikki complained.
"I see. This is one of those alternate Earths with a Superduperman or something similar, judging from that on-sale wedding album. He does badly need a haircut. And so does she. I take it that she must be the Louisa Louche or Lori Lake of this Earth? Ah... "Lois Lane", apparently. And he's "Clark Kent." And they have a goodguy non-Badman called "Batman", although I don't know why he's wearing that atomic insignia on his head and on his chest. That speedster must be an analogue to our Captain Swift. Ah. And they have a Green Trashcan on this world, except they have a lantern or lamp insignia. And happily, no Olsens!!!" The Eye exclaimed.
"Can we help you? I'm Luna Girl of the Legion of Super Beings and these are Lightning Flash Lad and Colossal Cosmic Boy. Would you like some Legion cookies?"
"Great Truss of Tisiphone! Luna Girl, can you direct us to whatever the peak superhero group is here? We are from an alternate Earth and must relate a terrible tale of tragedy and tawdriness!" Princess Power said, badly overdoing the dramatic subtext.
"Ah. Are you here about the Olsen infestation in adjacent universes?" Batman-388 asked.
"Yes, Camp Crusader. Sorry, your alternate version in one of them is a notorious supervillain."
"Our immediately past Green Lantern was also a Jimmyolsen. We exposed his foul perfidy- he was actually Jymylsn, a five dimensional imp from Zrfff. We got him to say his name backward - "Nslymyj"- and he vanished back to his dimension of origin for ninety days."
"It doesn't seem to have done much good..." Nikki muttered, grimacing at the bizarre conjunctions and juxtapositions she saw around her.
"This is Victoria Katt, our new Green Lantern..." Bat Woman grinned.
"Oh, this I like. So alternate me is the Green Trashcan analogue here? Swell!"
"We have no time to lose, Bat-Atom-man and Green...Lantern. The multiverse is being engulfed by a spasm of horrific Jimmyolsenry. We've seen worlds fall to a flash of red hair, tacky bowties and green jackets, with unholy unliving, unthinking Olsens seeking publicity at all costs! They're not worlds of normal human beings anymore... they're (choke) full of DC Olsens!!!"
"Of course, Jerry Lewis analogue with mouse ears and a clunky unutility belt. We have a fortuitous development that will save the cosmos from runaway Olsenification."
"Wow, this dialogue is getting distinctly weird." Nikki observed
And so, in no time at all, Earth-388's Superman, Green Lantern, Nikki and Rorty, the Eye, Princess Power, Bat Woman, Ratman, Brawnhilda, Witch Kraft (deep breath) Batqueen and the Lavendar Tornado had assembled a fiendishly sophisticated device consisting of space mould from Uranus-388, with the assistance of its casually dressed and somewhat hirsute Lex Luthor, Sargeant Rock (Lois Lane's old flame, and back from fighting zombie Hitler as World War Two in the Pacific spluttered finally to an end), chocolate, brussel sprouts and five day old garbage (Superman and Supergirl's three weaknesses), the remains of the Justice League's tiny pink elephant, uncooked spaghetti, flying surfboards and tricycles and the remains of melons with scuba-diving equipment. Witch Kraft sagely nodded:
"I see. This must be some sort of mystic alchemy!"
"Isn't anyone else embarrassed by this lamo plot and contrived devices? That's enough! I refuse to appear any further in this episode until this is resolved. Come on, grandma..." Nikki and Rorty walked out of this episode and Superman-388 gulped:
"My fiends, we have a revolting development. A mysterious thirteenth planet has suddenly appeared in our solar system, apart from Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto, Mickey, Donald and Goofy. It...it has red vegetation on its north pole, strange spots on its surface and a large city shaped like a...a ... bow tie! It's Planet O!!! The Planet of the Olsens!!!"
The Eye had examined this universe's basic physics and concluded that if he didn't stop, he'd have a severe headache when he got back to Earth-55 because none of it made much sense. Fortunately, given that the speed of light was quite slow here on Earth-388 on Mondays during months with an R in them, and the Improbability Canon was ready to fire, there was no reason to delay.
And thus, the anti-Olsenification ray hurdled the gap between Earth-388 and the Oughtnt Cloud where Planet O was squatting and hit home. A gaping, hideous void opened and hordes of screaming Olsenry collapsed into its seething maw. Even more fortuitously, due to Universe-388's totally deranged relationship to the rest of the multiverse, a cross-universal chain reaction erupted into being and cascaded across the areas of the cosmos that had been Olsenificated already. Millions of Olsens were sucked into oblivion, red hair aflame, bowties spontaneously combusting, with freckles spreading to eclipse the whole of their faces. They tried to spontaneously evolve into unlikely and bizarre forms to withstand the reversal reaction, but given that they were all mindless, soulless and lifeless, that didn't get them anywhere.
The multiverse had been saved from the Crisis of the Infinite Jimmies. There were still one or two left in the more respectable probability ratings of infinity, but they were reasonably sensible, sedate, manageable and not given to prolix transformations with no respect whatsoever for science or logic. And they'd done it without having to rig up a Big Bang like Earth-79 had to do to get rid of its Phil Ken Sebben proliferation problem. As the assembled heroes began to disperse back to their native Earths, however, something nagged at Bat Woman.
"Eye? If this could happen with Jimmyolsens, what about other awful null-logic narrative arcs?"
The Eye looked serious: "Indeed, Bat Woman."
EPILOGUE:
EARTH-BEEP!:
And on an alternate Earth so obscure that it was characterised by a noise instead of a number or letter like any other self-respecting probability, a smiley face penetrated the skies above Mathog City. And a being totally and incongruously combining a yellow batman suit with a smiley face insignia on his cowl, chest and utility belt buckle chortled insanely into the pink evening sky. This was Funnyman, Earth-Beep's somewhat laboured Batman analogue, only his relentless humour and good nature weirded people out, due to the fact he was also a brutal and violent sadist. As he swung through the sky above Mathog City, he heard Professor Finnegan Potter muse aloud:
"Yes, there must be an infinite number of alternate universes in the multiverse. On some of them, Funnyman wears a bat outfit, is a gorilla, zombie or even a woman. Probability there is unlike our own universe, where thrown coins always land on their heads, dice always turn up sixes and royal flushes pervade any card games, rendering gambling not much fun at all. Where telephones are not treated with reverence, caution and private use in cordoned off areas. Where the 45th US President Phyllis Diller didn't overthrow communism on Mars. Where..."
That was it, Funnyman thought. He needn't stick around on Earth-Beep! any longer! He could escape the Straightguy, his pasty faced do-gooding nemesis, altogether.
Hmmm, he also pondered. Are there any other guys in this multiverse who wear bat outfits and follow the broad and evil?
THE END: [1.00 PM, MARCH 20 2023]
? Sorry, now my word processor's producing excessive question and exclamation marks...+++
EARTH-55:
A plague of Jimmyolsens had descended on Earth-55. Dimunitive copies of the ginger-haired, bow-tied, green jacketed eternally teenage Supermansbestpal were overrunning the planet, with cataclysmic results. Even Mr Might was being taxed with the endless screeching noises from the Jimmyolsens ultrasonic signal watches, bow ties, combs, chastity rings, shoelaces, belt buckles and buttons. Fortunately, Bat Woman's bat-ultra-scanner device had produced the finding that the Jimmyolsens were soulless, lifeless and mindless creatures that only simulated human responses. Given that they were therefore 'philosophical zombies', they were doctrinally declared Ontological Pests by most reputable religions and the world's metahuman population were morally and ethically free to squash, incinerate or otherwise decimate their numbers.
As Bat Woman loaded her Batzooka and lined up its sights, Captain Swift had a large bundle of screeching Jimmyolsens in a giant bag and was running fast enough to insure they caught alight and disintegrated into flaming fragments. Mermaid had marshalled hordes of sharks to dispose of several hundred more Jimmyolsens as Mr Might flung a building full of them into the sea, even if some of the sharks were fussy eaters and the animal rights lobby were angrily picketing the FBUS on the grounds of animal cruelty. But there were limits- Green Trashcan's smell o ring was powerless, given that the Jimmyolsens had no sense of smell, otherwise they would have been asphyxiated by Man-Skunk Hybrid Olsenii within their ranks. As Lady Liberty's flying tiara slashed through another several dozen, Princess Power noted a series of lopsided Olsenii who had began to bulge peculiarly. The Eye raised his solitary eyebrow:
"Uh oh. It looks like the Jimmyolsens have evolved parthenogenesis to compensate for the fact that they're continually get turned down by Lucy Lanes across the multiverse."
"Oh, that's really not fair. Hey, wait a minute. If they're guys, how can they give birth if they're not transgender anyway?" Lightpower queried as he cut down several more with his razorrangs.
"Possibly because they're only simulating an approximation of humanity and can reproduce asexually?" The Mighty Hermaphrodite had thrown an asteroid at a starship full of Jimmies, resulting in a distant blinding surge of antimatter radiation several light years away.
"We're outnumbered. Hang on a minute, though. What about the analogous epidemic of Phil Ken Sebbens on Earth-79? They could help us through this." Mr Might concluded.
"Green Trashcan, Princess Power and Lightpower, we can spare all of you at the moment. Take a transmatter cross universal teleport and ask Batqueen and the others for help."
EARTH-79:
"Wow maaaaaaaaaaaaaan, this is heavy!!!" Funky Superman wailed as he was overrun by a horde of Jimmyolsens.
"Why did you accept his friendship offer anyway, you pillbox?" Batqueen complained as he used the Batom Bomb to destroy an entire island of Jimmies.
"They said I was their Best Friend maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnn..." Funky Superman was lost to sight amidst the churning, chattering inane plague of Jimmyolsens.
"Why does this always happen to our universe in particular? First we're overrun by a plague of Phil Ken Sebbens, now these ginger haired bow-tied freckled abominations! If we don't survive this, it won't be a world of somewhat addled superheroes, it will be a world of Philosophical Zombie Olsens, whose inane chattering and unlikely adventures will push our universe's probability levels down below the Goody Rickelsian Threshold and cause us to cease to exist!" Lavendar Tornado exclaimed in an infodump expository dialogue commentary on their current strategic and existential situations.
"Hey, folks. I see you're having similar problems to ours when it comes to the multiversal Plague of Jimmies. Do you have any insights to impart to the Freedom Brigade that might help us? We heard your Phil Ken Sebben omnidemic ended a few years ago." Green Trashcan willed his most repugnant odours into his smell o ring and concentrated with all his effort, but as soon as he asphyxiated one horde of Jimmyolsens, another arose to take their place.
"Yes, but that was only because our universe had to purge itself with a big bang to rid itself of the threat in question. Unfortunately, Funky Superman was high on Red Kryptonian Happy Weed again and accepted a Best Pal Application on antisocial media from one of the Jimmyolsens. He exploited it to open a portal into our universe and now history is repeating itself. As soon as we mow down another several million, their infernal parthenogenesis causes them to spontaneously reproduce a replacement. And what's worse, as they're only masquerading as living human beings, they grow to maturity instantaneously."
"I see. It's going to be one of those multiversal crossovers, is it? All right, let's do the inevitable and look up Earth-9767." Princess Power sighed as she reprogrammed the transmatter cube.
EARTH-9767:
"Ho, Jimmyolsens! Eat the hard diamond metal of my mighty blade Olsenslaughterer!" Brawnhilde cried as she and the League of Atrociously Conceptualised Entities [Well, they needed to have a heroic ensemble name and I ran out, so I decided to use a Heroic Team Random Name Generator to produce one- Author] fought the escalating Plague of Jimmies as they chattered and drove down the already scandalously low probability rating of Earth-9767.
"Wow, isn't it convenient Brawnhilda has a magical Olsen-Slaughtering enchanted sword?" Ratman asked as Witch Kraft summoned an anti-Olsen devouring dragon to dispose of another several hundred.
As Nikki Snuff and her aunt, Professor Nadine Rorty mowed down another horde of Jimmyolsens with a deadly fusillade of particle beams, Nikki cursed:
"Damn it! This is useless! As soon as we mow down a thousand or so, more emerge to take their place. Jerry, what can we do? If we don't make some inroad into their numbers, then our entire universe will be overrun by Jimmyolsens and fall to incoherence, continuity glitches and repeatedly inane plotlines!" Brawnehilda said as her Olsenslaughterer blade chopped, diced and sauteed hordes more Olsenii. As it reached critical digestive mass, Witch Kraft's eight hundredth Olsen-devouring dragon made a screeching sound, turned bright blue and keeled over.
"What do you mean, you're out of Olsen-devouring dragons?" Witch Kraft said as Thaumaturgy R Us informed her that Earth-9767 had exceeded its quota of Olsenophagii draconis, and anyway, given the multiversal range of the Plague of Jimmies, an infinite number of universes had made heavy demands on even its reserve stores of Olsen-devourers.
Nadine Rorty flew overhead with a new plot device, olseniimortic viruses, but although another hundred thousand Olsenii keeled over and scrabbled with their hands and legs in the air before dying in vast numbers, another horde adapted to the virus and developed immunity. As a Giant Obese Porcupine Jimmy discharged its quills at them, Princess Power deflected them with her Glamazonian bracelets as the Freedom Brigade and GLEEP arrived.
But was it pointless?
Across the multiverse, hordes of inane Jimmyolsens laid waste to realities everywhere. They wooed characters in Jane Austen and Bronte novels, wore anachronistic Beatle wigs in Shakespearean dramas and disrupted established continuity there, destroyed capitalism, communism and the course of history through their anachronistic presence elsewhere. Timelines splintered and broke apart into the screeching void of bleedspace as Jimmy Olsens overran the Old West, World War II, ancient Rome and even the thirtieth century.
Was Creation Itself about to perish from a cosmic over the top parody of antipathy toward endless numbers of Tarnished Silver Age Jimmy Olsen hack stories?'
EARTH-RTKOGNH:
On this placid Earth, where things were so nice it was even forbidden to pick flowers because it would hurt them, Jimmyolsenry had gone totally beserk. Atop the Imperial State Buildings in New Lancaster, a Giant Gorilla Jimmy News Reporter fended off divebombers, carrying a blonde woman who completely looked unlike a Lucy Lane analogue, while a Godzilla Jimmy attacked the city at the same time as Giant Moth Jimmy and others too numerous to mention chased a panicking population of central casting citydwellers while a Jimmydeity blotted out the sky and hordes of Barbarian Jimmies laid waste to the surroundings.
The 5E Heroes Of Our Planet (5EHOOP) were cornered. No matter how much the heroic Captain Atom analogue Doc Quantum tried to fend them off with his quantum beams, no matter how John Author used his parakinetic powers to create deep holes beneath the attacking Jimmies, no matter how Red Sycorax the Sorceror used his thaumaturgy to conjure up anti-Jimmy enchantments and no matter how much the Dan of Steel threw girders and large pieces of masonry at them, it was a forelorn battle.
Doc Quantum sensed a terrible disturbance with his quantum abilities: "It's no good, 5E HOOP. I sense the downfall of our whole universe is pending. In a matter of minutes, peak Jimmyolsenry will engulf it and our cosmos will break apart like a cheap cupcake!"
"Elphaba's Broomstick, Doc. There must be something we can do, or the Earth will belong to the Olsens!"
"We're the only world left no no no !!!"
JIMMITY JIMMITY OLSENRY OLSENRY JIMMITY JIMMITY OLSENRY OLSENRY JIMMITY JIMMITY OLSENRY JIMMITY...
EARTH-9767:
"Witch Kraft, this appears to be hopeless, unless we can foil this absurd runaway Olsen proliferation with some ridiculous and improbable counterplot of our own."
"We need to travel to Yet Another Earth, Eye. Then we will have a stopgap firebreak thingy to deal with this Crisis of Infinite Jimmies!"
"'Thingy?' Are you sure this isn't an excuse to unnecessarily extend this rather gimmicky plotline?" Nikki Strife muttered.
"Remember, past a certain threshold in the Heisenberg Alternate Probability Index, this isn't happening."
"I know that, Batqueen. Worry not. My thaumaturgical talents will take us to the far-out alternate Earth known as..."
EARTH-388:
"Bleurghhh!!! Who died and created this Earth's elemental concentrations?! It's tutti-frutti!" Nikki complained.
"I see. This is one of those alternate Earths with a Superduperman or something similar, judging from that on-sale wedding album. He does badly need a haircut. And so does she. I take it that she must be the Louisa Louche or Lori Lake of this Earth? Ah... "Lois Lane", apparently. And he's "Clark Kent." And they have a goodguy non-Badman called "Batman", although I don't know why he's wearing that atomic insignia on his head and on his chest. That speedster must be an analogue to our Captain Swift. Ah. And they have a Green Trashcan on this world, except they have a lantern or lamp insignia. And happily, no Olsens!!!" The Eye exclaimed.
"Can we help you? I'm Luna Girl of the Legion of Super Beings and these are Lightning Flash Lad and Colossal Cosmic Boy. Would you like some Legion cookies?"
"Great Truss of Tisiphone! Luna Girl, can you direct us to whatever the peak superhero group is here? We are from an alternate Earth and must relate a terrible tale of tragedy and tawdriness!" Princess Power said, badly overdoing the dramatic subtext.
"Ah. Are you here about the Olsen infestation in adjacent universes?" Batman-388 asked.
"Yes, Camp Crusader. Sorry, your alternate version in one of them is a notorious supervillain."
"Our immediately past Green Lantern was also a Jimmyolsen. We exposed his foul perfidy- he was actually Jymylsn, a five dimensional imp from Zrfff. We got him to say his name backward - "Nslymyj"- and he vanished back to his dimension of origin for ninety days."
"It doesn't seem to have done much good..." Nikki muttered, grimacing at the bizarre conjunctions and juxtapositions she saw around her.
"This is Victoria Katt, our new Green Lantern..." Bat Woman grinned.
"Oh, this I like. So alternate me is the Green Trashcan analogue here? Swell!"
"We have no time to lose, Bat-Atom-man and Green...Lantern. The multiverse is being engulfed by a spasm of horrific Jimmyolsenry. We've seen worlds fall to a flash of red hair, tacky bowties and green jackets, with unholy unliving, unthinking Olsens seeking publicity at all costs! They're not worlds of normal human beings anymore... they're (choke) full of DC Olsens!!!"
"Of course, Jerry Lewis analogue with mouse ears and a clunky unutility belt. We have a fortuitous development that will save the cosmos from runaway Olsenification."
"Wow, this dialogue is getting distinctly weird." Nikki observed
And so, in no time at all, Earth-388's Superman, Green Lantern, Nikki and Rorty, the Eye, Princess Power, Bat Woman, Ratman, Brawnhilda, Witch Kraft (deep breath) Batqueen and the Lavendar Tornado had assembled a fiendishly sophisticated device consisting of space mould from Uranus-388, with the assistance of its casually dressed and somewhat hirsute Lex Luthor, Sargeant Rock (Lois Lane's old flame, and back from fighting zombie Hitler as World War Two in the Pacific spluttered finally to an end), chocolate, brussel sprouts and five day old garbage (Superman and Supergirl's three weaknesses), the remains of the Justice League's tiny pink elephant, uncooked spaghetti, flying surfboards and tricycles and the remains of melons with scuba-diving equipment. Witch Kraft sagely nodded:
"I see. This must be some sort of mystic alchemy!"
"Isn't anyone else embarrassed by this lamo plot and contrived devices? That's enough! I refuse to appear any further in this episode until this is resolved. Come on, grandma..." Nikki and Rorty walked out of this episode and Superman-388 gulped:
"My fiends, we have a revolting development. A mysterious thirteenth planet has suddenly appeared in our solar system, apart from Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto, Mickey, Donald and Goofy. It...it has red vegetation on its north pole, strange spots on its surface and a large city shaped like a...a ... bow tie! It's Planet O!!! The Planet of the Olsens!!!"
The Eye had examined this universe's basic physics and concluded that if he didn't stop, he'd have a severe headache when he got back to Earth-55 because none of it made much sense. Fortunately, given that the speed of light was quite slow here on Earth-388 on Mondays during months with an R in them, and the Improbability Canon was ready to fire, there was no reason to delay.
And thus, the anti-Olsenification ray hurdled the gap between Earth-388 and the Oughtnt Cloud where Planet O was squatting and hit home. A gaping, hideous void opened and hordes of screaming Olsenry collapsed into its seething maw. Even more fortuitously, due to Universe-388's totally deranged relationship to the rest of the multiverse, a cross-universal chain reaction erupted into being and cascaded across the areas of the cosmos that had been Olsenificated already. Millions of Olsens were sucked into oblivion, red hair aflame, bowties spontaneously combusting, with freckles spreading to eclipse the whole of their faces. They tried to spontaneously evolve into unlikely and bizarre forms to withstand the reversal reaction, but given that they were all mindless, soulless and lifeless, that didn't get them anywhere.
The multiverse had been saved from the Crisis of the Infinite Jimmies. There were still one or two left in the more respectable probability ratings of infinity, but they were reasonably sensible, sedate, manageable and not given to prolix transformations with no respect whatsoever for science or logic. And they'd done it without having to rig up a Big Bang like Earth-79 had to do to get rid of its Phil Ken Sebben proliferation problem. As the assembled heroes began to disperse back to their native Earths, however, something nagged at Bat Woman.
"Eye? If this could happen with Jimmyolsens, what about other awful null-logic narrative arcs?"
The Eye looked serious: "Indeed, Bat Woman."
EPILOGUE:
EARTH-BEEP!:
And on an alternate Earth so obscure that it was characterised by a noise instead of a number or letter like any other self-respecting probability, a smiley face penetrated the skies above Mathog City. And a being totally and incongruously combining a yellow batman suit with a smiley face insignia on his cowl, chest and utility belt buckle chortled insanely into the pink evening sky. This was Funnyman, Earth-Beep's somewhat laboured Batman analogue, only his relentless humour and good nature weirded people out, due to the fact he was also a brutal and violent sadist. As he swung through the sky above Mathog City, he heard Professor Finnegan Potter muse aloud:
"Yes, there must be an infinite number of alternate universes in the multiverse. On some of them, Funnyman wears a bat outfit, is a gorilla, zombie or even a woman. Probability there is unlike our own universe, where thrown coins always land on their heads, dice always turn up sixes and royal flushes pervade any card games, rendering gambling not much fun at all. Where telephones are not treated with reverence, caution and private use in cordoned off areas. Where the 45th US President Phyllis Diller didn't overthrow communism on Mars. Where..."
That was it, Funnyman thought. He needn't stick around on Earth-Beep! any longer! He could escape the Straightguy, his pasty faced do-gooding nemesis, altogether.
Hmmm, he also pondered. Are there any other guys in this multiverse who wear bat outfits and follow the broad and evil?
THE END: [1.00 PM, MARCH 20 2023]
