Post by redsycorax on Apr 14, 2023 1:38:36 GMT
"This is Laurie. I am Laurie Anderson. I am the Chancellor of the Extraneous States of Columbina on Earth-Oops, in an alternate parallel universe at right angles to your own. I was milking the cow. It seemed to enjoy it. It mooed happily. In fact, it was in ecstacy. Happy cow. Happy, happy cow. Moo. Now, where was I? Freedom Brigade. Super-people. I want to tell you a story. It's not a pleasant story. It involves bad guys in spandex outfits. And they dress strangely. One looks like a brussel sprout with pointy ears, another is happy happy joy joy smiley face. Smiley face. The third has a startled rodent emblem face. Rodent emblem face. Number four is reminiscent of a roll of bread. Big bap head. The last one is, oh yes, the last one is a deep breath Small Flying Rodent Like Creature Although It Is Actually an Example of the Species Chiroptera Male Hominid. Yes, that's right. Small and Flying, Chiroptera. Chiroptera. Male Hominid. He's a Male and a Hominid. A practising Hominid. O Mr Might. Mom and Dad. O Mr Might. Oh Judge. Mom and Dad. Uhhuhhuhu. Hi. I'm not on this planet right now but if you want to start talking, please leave a message. Hello? This is Laurie. Are you receiving me? Hello? Are you off your planet? I've got a message. To give to you. Here come the Bad Batman Impersonators. So you'd better get ready. Ready to fight them. You can come as you are but will pay for it eventually. And the voice said. This is Laurie Anderson. Laurie Anderson the ESC Chancellor. The ESC Chancellor. Laurie Anderson. The ESC Chancellor. Here come the Bad Batman Impersonators. All vaguely American, or its analogues. Huhuhuhuhuhhhh. And Laurie said neither cosmic clouds or supernovas can stall these bad Batman impersonators from the eventual completion of their villainous exploits. Uhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh. Cause when humour is gone, there's always parody. And when parody is gone, there's always satire. And when satire is gone, there's always Cthulhu. So hold me Cthulhu in your long tentacles. So hold me Cthulhu in your long tentacles. Your oscillating tentacles. Your powerful tentacles. In your tentacles. So hold me Cthulhu in your long tentacles. Your powerful tentacles. Your oscillating tentacles. Your powerful tentacles. " The prolonged and unnecessarily annoying message finally faded into silence, leaving the Freedom Brigade staring at each other in bewilderment:
"So this Earth-Oops has a female version of Laurence Anderson, the experimental musician who was married to the late Louise Reed. I take it?"
"Yes, although what was that about Cthulhu and the cows?"
"Phatic communion. From what I could make of it, there are apparently five bad Batman impersonators on the way here. One of them is Badman, from the description, but I don't think we're familiar with the other four." Mr Might offered.
"One of them is apparently a Brussel Sprout Man, the other has a smiley face motif, the third has a bap motif going and the last interloper is obviously from that messenger's world, given the unnaturally long and ridiculously embellished description of their attributes. Which, one suspects, means that we are about to face them in combat."
Lightpower rolled his eyes: "How did Brian get into this one?"
"If they're supposed to be frightening, why is there a brussel sprout themed supervillain involved?" Mermaid asked.
"People often have odd idiosyncrasies. Badman's old enemy Womancat is frightened of cucumbers."
"But why was the last part of Chancellor Anderson's message specifically addressed to you, Clint?"
"Search me, Lauren. Probably unnecessary padding or an AU parody of a Lawrence Anderson song from here. My guess is "O Princess Power." Either that, or "Snarkey's Afternoon," "Snarkey's Commute Home", "Snarkey's Dinner" or "Snarkey's Apres Dinner Aperitifs."
LATER...:
After the Freedom Brigade split up to fight the assorted bad Batman impersonators, Badgirl contacted Badman:
"Look, Brian, I'm not convinced this is a sensible idea. It sounds like a parody of the humourlessverse's five evil Batpersons and we both know cheap parodic rip-offs don't end well in this universe."
"In which case, why have you, I and that infernal Freedom Brigade existed for the last few years?"
"Because we have nowhere else to go? I'm sorry, but look at them. Funnyman isn't terrifying at all, not even remotely. Brussel Sprouts Man admittedly frightens small children who don't like vegetables, but he's really, really popular amongst vegans for the same reason and they don't think of him as a villain at all. Bapman keeps robbing bread stores and once the FBUS predicted his modus operandi from his bread obsession, it was absurdly easy for Captain Swift and Green Trashcan to nab him. The only one who's not compromised by their lame raison d'etre is (deep breath) Small Flying Rodent Like Creature Although It Is Actually An Example of the Species Chiroptera Male Hominid. And that's probably only because he comes armed with an extremely verbose Laurie Anderson sound track and threatens to play it at their targets unless they surrender and let them have the loot."
"All right, so we're down to two. So? SFRLCAIIAAEOTSCMH is raking in the cash for us, Barbarella."
"How long before he ends up trying to break into an alternative performance venue and is stymied by their greater tolerance for extremely pretentious and excruciatingly long performance art pieces? He'd be powerless to prevent being apprehended in certain areas of New Yank, Los Diablos, Seattled or Porpland. And you just know that he'll develop hubris and experience an appropriate existential denouement, don't you?"
"Careful, Badgirl, that's dangerously close to frustrated existential angst itself. That's far too upmarket for us."
"Oh, go Kierkegaard yourself, Brian. We have to work out a way out of this dilemma somehow, or else we'll end up being priced out of the supervillain market here."
STILL LATER...:
Mr Might, Bat Woman and the Eye looked askance at the sequencing breaks:
"That's unnecessarily vague."
"Possibly because Nature is contorting itself trying to compensate for SFRLCAIIAAEOTSCMH's presence in our universe and his associated pretentiouness and sophisticated humour. Before you two joined, the Freedom Brigade had a crossover with Freddie Python's Flying Circus. All of those jokes about Jean-Sol Partre, Jacques Mensonge, Paul Foucault, Antoinette Sant-Epicerie, Simone Poisonniere and those other ironic imitations of sixties abstract French philosophers. We had quite a time trying to remove Deconstructo- Paul Foucault- because he decided he liked it better in our area of the multiverse. You can still pick up his ruminations in the more desperate second hand bookshops. Arrgh! Foccacia bread, one of my weaknesses!!!"
As Mr Might fell to the ground stunned, Bat Woman sighed: "We do need to do something about that hackneyed plot device, Eye. It's getting far too easy for our adversaries to capitalise on one of Clint's several 'one weaknesses' and get him out of the picture. SFRLCAIIAAEOTSCMH!!! We know that was you! Our universe can't tolerate this standard of ironic alternative humour for long. Sooner or later, it's going to end badly for our universe and you probably don't want to be here when it does!"
"A giant disembodied floating eye and a badly haired woman with a bat tattoo, a black bikini and a large ornate rosette on her shoulder. Yes, I see what you mean. Damn. And you've got earguards so I can't bore you into submission with my Laurie Anderson soundtrack."
"SFRLCAIIAAEOTSCMH? Badman's only inviegled you into this because he's fundamentally misconstrued the natural laws that underlie the parodiverses. He's not a very sophisticated parodic impersonation of that far more effective crimefighter elsewhere in the multiverse gone bad. Because he's so crap at it, our universe is endangered by what you represent instead."
"Hmm. If I were a more ruthless supervillain, I'd stay here to spite you. However, given that Earth-Oops is dedicated to drearily prolonged, embellished dialogue because it can't do proper fight sequences, we are by our very nature non-violent, due to the ridiculously protracted angsty dialogue before we get to that stage. All right. I'll just pop into this chrono-syncladistic infundibulum and head back to my own universe, if that's all right?"
Bat Woman helped Mr Might to his feet as the Eye raised his solitary disembodied eyebrow:
"Nicely done, Vicky. Now all we have to do is track down Badman and foil his latest truncated episode of villainy."
"What an anti-climax. Hey, where did those bouncing Chinese speaking folks in white sheets coming from?"
"I think it's residue from our exposure to Earth-Oops. They're Chinese e gui (hungry ghosts) and they tend to do that. We'll have to fight our way through them to get back to Slotham and help apprehend Badman."
"And that diminutive hyperactive small rabbit form in the miniature white sheet wildly gesticulating and speaking Japanese rapidly?"
"It probably got misdirected here due to a Central Casting oversight..."
"Women shi laizi shengming zhi wai de kepa wanghun!" [We are scary revenants from beyond life!]
"Women hui yong women xian'e de tiaoyue lai xiahu ne!" [We will terrify you with our sinister hopping!]
"Haipa women bukisiyi de tantiao!" [Fear our uncanny bouncings!]
"Watashi wa naki nihon'noamine no usagi-chan no oshaberina seishindesu!" [I am the overly talkative spirit of a defunct Japanese anime bunny rabbit character!]
"I'm surprised they can even get away with that in Cantonese or Japanese... " Bat Woman muttered, as she and the Eye prepared for combat with their latest inconvenience
THE END [12.00 PM, APRIL 17, 2023]
"So this Earth-Oops has a female version of Laurence Anderson, the experimental musician who was married to the late Louise Reed. I take it?"
"Yes, although what was that about Cthulhu and the cows?"
"Phatic communion. From what I could make of it, there are apparently five bad Batman impersonators on the way here. One of them is Badman, from the description, but I don't think we're familiar with the other four." Mr Might offered.
"One of them is apparently a Brussel Sprout Man, the other has a smiley face motif, the third has a bap motif going and the last interloper is obviously from that messenger's world, given the unnaturally long and ridiculously embellished description of their attributes. Which, one suspects, means that we are about to face them in combat."
Lightpower rolled his eyes: "How did Brian get into this one?"
"If they're supposed to be frightening, why is there a brussel sprout themed supervillain involved?" Mermaid asked.
"People often have odd idiosyncrasies. Badman's old enemy Womancat is frightened of cucumbers."
"But why was the last part of Chancellor Anderson's message specifically addressed to you, Clint?"
"Search me, Lauren. Probably unnecessary padding or an AU parody of a Lawrence Anderson song from here. My guess is "O Princess Power." Either that, or "Snarkey's Afternoon," "Snarkey's Commute Home", "Snarkey's Dinner" or "Snarkey's Apres Dinner Aperitifs."
LATER...:
After the Freedom Brigade split up to fight the assorted bad Batman impersonators, Badgirl contacted Badman:
"Look, Brian, I'm not convinced this is a sensible idea. It sounds like a parody of the humourlessverse's five evil Batpersons and we both know cheap parodic rip-offs don't end well in this universe."
"In which case, why have you, I and that infernal Freedom Brigade existed for the last few years?"
"Because we have nowhere else to go? I'm sorry, but look at them. Funnyman isn't terrifying at all, not even remotely. Brussel Sprouts Man admittedly frightens small children who don't like vegetables, but he's really, really popular amongst vegans for the same reason and they don't think of him as a villain at all. Bapman keeps robbing bread stores and once the FBUS predicted his modus operandi from his bread obsession, it was absurdly easy for Captain Swift and Green Trashcan to nab him. The only one who's not compromised by their lame raison d'etre is (deep breath) Small Flying Rodent Like Creature Although It Is Actually An Example of the Species Chiroptera Male Hominid. And that's probably only because he comes armed with an extremely verbose Laurie Anderson sound track and threatens to play it at their targets unless they surrender and let them have the loot."
"All right, so we're down to two. So? SFRLCAIIAAEOTSCMH is raking in the cash for us, Barbarella."
"How long before he ends up trying to break into an alternative performance venue and is stymied by their greater tolerance for extremely pretentious and excruciatingly long performance art pieces? He'd be powerless to prevent being apprehended in certain areas of New Yank, Los Diablos, Seattled or Porpland. And you just know that he'll develop hubris and experience an appropriate existential denouement, don't you?"
"Careful, Badgirl, that's dangerously close to frustrated existential angst itself. That's far too upmarket for us."
"Oh, go Kierkegaard yourself, Brian. We have to work out a way out of this dilemma somehow, or else we'll end up being priced out of the supervillain market here."
STILL LATER...:
Mr Might, Bat Woman and the Eye looked askance at the sequencing breaks:
"That's unnecessarily vague."
"Possibly because Nature is contorting itself trying to compensate for SFRLCAIIAAEOTSCMH's presence in our universe and his associated pretentiouness and sophisticated humour. Before you two joined, the Freedom Brigade had a crossover with Freddie Python's Flying Circus. All of those jokes about Jean-Sol Partre, Jacques Mensonge, Paul Foucault, Antoinette Sant-Epicerie, Simone Poisonniere and those other ironic imitations of sixties abstract French philosophers. We had quite a time trying to remove Deconstructo- Paul Foucault- because he decided he liked it better in our area of the multiverse. You can still pick up his ruminations in the more desperate second hand bookshops. Arrgh! Foccacia bread, one of my weaknesses!!!"
As Mr Might fell to the ground stunned, Bat Woman sighed: "We do need to do something about that hackneyed plot device, Eye. It's getting far too easy for our adversaries to capitalise on one of Clint's several 'one weaknesses' and get him out of the picture. SFRLCAIIAAEOTSCMH!!! We know that was you! Our universe can't tolerate this standard of ironic alternative humour for long. Sooner or later, it's going to end badly for our universe and you probably don't want to be here when it does!"
"A giant disembodied floating eye and a badly haired woman with a bat tattoo, a black bikini and a large ornate rosette on her shoulder. Yes, I see what you mean. Damn. And you've got earguards so I can't bore you into submission with my Laurie Anderson soundtrack."
"SFRLCAIIAAEOTSCMH? Badman's only inviegled you into this because he's fundamentally misconstrued the natural laws that underlie the parodiverses. He's not a very sophisticated parodic impersonation of that far more effective crimefighter elsewhere in the multiverse gone bad. Because he's so crap at it, our universe is endangered by what you represent instead."
"Hmm. If I were a more ruthless supervillain, I'd stay here to spite you. However, given that Earth-Oops is dedicated to drearily prolonged, embellished dialogue because it can't do proper fight sequences, we are by our very nature non-violent, due to the ridiculously protracted angsty dialogue before we get to that stage. All right. I'll just pop into this chrono-syncladistic infundibulum and head back to my own universe, if that's all right?"
Bat Woman helped Mr Might to his feet as the Eye raised his solitary disembodied eyebrow:
"Nicely done, Vicky. Now all we have to do is track down Badman and foil his latest truncated episode of villainy."
"What an anti-climax. Hey, where did those bouncing Chinese speaking folks in white sheets coming from?"
"I think it's residue from our exposure to Earth-Oops. They're Chinese e gui (hungry ghosts) and they tend to do that. We'll have to fight our way through them to get back to Slotham and help apprehend Badman."
"And that diminutive hyperactive small rabbit form in the miniature white sheet wildly gesticulating and speaking Japanese rapidly?"
"It probably got misdirected here due to a Central Casting oversight..."
"Women shi laizi shengming zhi wai de kepa wanghun!" [We are scary revenants from beyond life!]
"Women hui yong women xian'e de tiaoyue lai xiahu ne!" [We will terrify you with our sinister hopping!]
"Haipa women bukisiyi de tantiao!" [Fear our uncanny bouncings!]
"Watashi wa naki nihon'noamine no usagi-chan no oshaberina seishindesu!" [I am the overly talkative spirit of a defunct Japanese anime bunny rabbit character!]
"I'm surprised they can even get away with that in Cantonese or Japanese... " Bat Woman muttered, as she and the Eye prepared for combat with their latest inconvenience
THE END [12.00 PM, APRIL 17, 2023]