Post by redsycorax on May 3, 2023 3:25:33 GMT
Earth-55 is just plan weird. There's no other way to describe it. Hackneyed, old, one-note characters litter its landscape, with no remote chance of getting back into mainstream circulation except on really, really derelict corners of Youtube. One such mercifully forgotten phenomenon is the utterly crap badly dubbed, plotted and animated seventies Japanese anime series Babble of the Planet in the late seventies. And so, here, because nobody really wanted it and because the author had to sit through it waiting for Doctor Who to screen afterwards, we ask the question- why is Gee Farce still active on Earth-55 in 2023?
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CENTRE URANUS:
"Oooh, 1-Roofer-1, those naughty Zoltaran-Emulgels are attacking Earth again!"
"BARKBARK"
"We must dispatch Gee Farce, which watches over Earth and defends us from threats from alien galaxies beyond space! Watching and warning us all!!! Gee Farce, five indecipherable young people with stupid powers and hairless orphans- always five acting badly- always coherent! Always incomprehensible- Murk, Jaybird, Printer, Tinny and Klumsyoaf!!!"
"BARKBARK."
"Hahahahaha! I, the mighty Zoltaran-Emulgel will dead you utterly. Take that!!!"
"Zoltaran Emulgel you have forgotten our starship the Plotfix turns into a mighty flaming space bird!"
"Curses foiled again. What was that Flaming Great Spigot?"
"Right, Zoltaran Emulgel, I've had just about enough of this extremely lame parody of the already awful seventies anime series Babble of the Planet. I've decided to obliterate this entire plotline before it goes too far.'
"Oooh, Flaming Great Spigot, you naughty cosmic entity!"
"Just go away and get incinerated, 7-Glurk-7, you hideously stereotyped impersonation of a gay robot."
And with that, thankfully, the whole ghastly glimmerverse disintegrated into an incoherent, repetitious quagmire. Wait a minute, disintegrated into? And why did that just hijack the opening of this episode?
++
FBUS SATELLITE:
"What was all that about?" Lady Liberty asked.
"I think it's what that great physicist Dan Danstein theorised as being a 'glimmerverse'- that is, a highly ephemeral and momentary alternate existence that rapidly falls apart due to its own internal contradictions and utter ridiculousness." The Eye surmised.
"But Babble of the Planet? What possible connection could that utterly Haneyfied nonsense have to anything like our own universe?"
"Poor wretches. Trapped in a mayfly micro-universe they didn't ask to exist within, doomed to die of embarrassment." Mr Might commented.
"It must have been quick, which was unfortunately not the case elsewhere in the multiverse. Earth-33 had to endure two whole series of them. Anyway, back to business. I take it all of you are familiar with our old arch enemy Count Alucard?"
"Well, yes, how could we forget, Clint? You and I were on our honeymoon and this anachronistic and atopic gothic castle appeared out of nowhere in the middle of Transanguinary Pennsylvania. It was a dark and stormy night and it turned out Alucard was creating a redhaired woman, with a shapely figure and long eyelashes in order to release his tension and make her the Domestic Partner of Alucard. Unfortunately, your exes, Lola Lake and Louise Louche got sucked into the plot and used it for unseemly purposes involving time warps and overly saccharin translations." Mermaid exclaimed.
"Alucard has returned, albeit without Roxette, his Domestic Partner, and is fiendishly plotting to inject blood into people with his fangs, transforming them into his wanton slaves."
"Eripmavs are so unnatural. In any case, i thought given all those hacky sixties movies that he'd perpetrated at Hammerhead Horror Inc, he'd retired from the ghoul business?" Princess Power queried.
"Uh oh. What if that apparently unrelated Babble of the Planet interruption isn't just a case of bad writing and Count Alucard has taken over Centre Uranus, intending to use Gee Farce against us?" Lightpower said, as his eyes met those of Captain Swift:
"But why would Count Alucard bother to lumber himself with such an ungainly group of individuals as Gee Farce?" Captain Swift replied.
"I suspect it's the Authorial Presence at work again. It's trying to make us so ashamed of appearing in this series that we'll give up. Fortunately, that would require far better characterisation and continuity than has ever been the case in this universe. So we need to work out who Gee Farce's arch enemies are and enlist their help."
METROVILLE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE:
In a nondescript Department of Human Services office, a group of nondescript and half-forgotten characters awaited their Social Insecurity checks for the month. It was truly a pathetic sight- Snagglejaw couldn't afford proper dental care, Jeannie was impatiently awaiting an appointment with her social worker because Corey's latest alimony payment hadn't arrived again this month, and My Favourite Martians were appealing their deportation back to the Red Planet. In a cobwebbed corner, a figure in bizarre headwear and incongruous ruby red liptick suddenly became aware people were looking at him. He flinched and tried to conceal his awfully synched features from the newcomers:
"Zoltaran Emulgel?"
"No one has called me that for almost fifty years..." It was no good, the dubbing was still totally unco-ordinated. Zoltaran Emulgel touched up his lipstick, puckered and sobbed:
"Has Gee Farce come to take me in at last? After all this time?"
"It's all right, Zoltaran. Actually, Gee Farce have been taken over by a certain undead supernatural entity and gone evil. Therefore, given they've become morally inverted, we decided to insert a touch of corresponding moral ambiguity. Even if you are a defunct supreme ruler from the remaindered planet Spectorcle which went bankrupt from repeated ill-advised invasions of Earth because you just had to get even with Gee Farce." The Eye explained in a convenient infodump.
"Do you mean it? My repeated failures mean nothing to you? And who's the delightful intersexed person standing alongside you?"
The Mighty HermAphrodite raised an eyebrow: "Zoltaran, you mean you're unconventionally gendered too?"
"Originally I was. If I decide to spontaneously reform, can we have a dinner date after this is over?"
"I think you could become a supporting character in this series with any luck. It's about time I had a regular relationship."
"Ahem. Leaving the character development aside, Zoltaran, is there anything that you can think of that might come in useful against Gee Farce? We think they've been filled with eripmav blood and become soulless, lifeless creatures under the thrall of a living monster."
"You mean they're Republicans?"
"Well, not quite that bad." Lady Liberty glared at Mr Might over that interlude, but Zoltaran Emulgel was thinking:
"They operate as a team. However, I suspect Murk and Jaybird have the hots for one another and are hiding it from Printer, the only female member of the team. And she's chafing at the bit to have more female membership incorporated into their ranks. Also, flares and platform shoes."
"Thank you, Zoltaran Emulgel. We'd be quite pleased if you joined us for this mission, given your previous experience. And also because that's wonderful lipstick. Where'd you get it?" The Mighty HermAphrodite flirted shamelessly and batted their eyelashes at Zoltaran Emulgel."
SPECTORCLE:
On the far out, defunct planet Spectorcle, amidst an unpleasantly coagulated red and orange backdrop, a figure not unlike a vaguely birdlike representation brooded amidst the ruins of his bankrupt civilisation. The Spigot fumed away to itself, without even having Zoltaran Emulgel to belittle and lose his temper with after yet another bungle against Gee Farce. However, that was now fifty years or so ago and everyone had moved away from Spectorcle, and what was worse, planetary bankruptcy meant he couldn't afford any more competent hirelings. Colonel Wun and General Garlak were long gone, and the planet was deserted, with no-one to refer to him as the Great Lunatic One, The Lunatic One, the Spigot, Execrable Spigot, O Ponderous One, Oh Blight of Wrathfulness, Oh Indeterminate Cliche, the Shammy One and Murgatroydic One. Actually, the profuse use of hackneyed honorifics completely out of phase with his actual competence had caused massive budget blowouts on the planetary communication network and... wait a minute, who was that figure in the white cape?
"Who dares disturb the solitude of I, the Great Spigot?!"
"Can we please skip the ensuing gratuitous honorifics, birdfeatures? I'm Count Vladimir Putrid Alucard, an undead eripmav entity who wishes to enlist your services."
"Are you sure I can't convince you to purchase this planet?"
"Not a chance, bozo. Your economy is so stagnant, your star cut off its gravity because of your budgetary arrears and because it didn't want to be known as your primary. I'm told you have a routine in loud meaningless noises and pointless light shows. It will mean working alongside your old enemies, Gee Farce, who I have corrupted to serve me."
"Is that idiot Zoltaran Emulgel anywhere in the vicinity?"
"No, and given the moral inversion at work here, they've reformed and they're sweet on the Freedom Brigade's Mighty HermAphrodite."
"Gahh, how nauseating. All right, Alucard, my loudness and flashy lights are at your disposal. Because really, I've got nothing better to do."
++
CENTRE URANUS:
"Ooh! What are you intruders doing here?! Help, help, Murk and Printer."
"BARKBARK beep..." went 1-Roofer-1 as his plug was abruptly pulled out.
"It's no good crying for help, 7-Glurk-7. We need some information about why Babble of the Planet has been regurgitated after all these years of shame at how utterly awful it was."
"You won't defeat Gee Farce- hey!!!"
"Hey, these two are a pair of spare anime cels."
"You won't defeat Gee Farce!" Printer said, her soundtrack stuck
"Ooh! Free me from these butch muscular invaders from beyond space! Or I will be in bondage!" At which point, Bat Woman used her Bat Screwdriver to short-circuit the inane rip-off robot into mercifully permanent oblivion and silence.
"You won't defeat Gee Farce!" Printer said for a third time, her hands on her hips. However, by that time, Mr Might, Bat Woman and the Eye had found what they were after and left Centre Uranus.
"You won't defeat Gee Farce!" Printer continued to repeat herself for the next thirteen weeks, with Murk looking on voicelessly - primarily because the writers had forgotten to write any further dialogue for him.
GEE FARCE HQ:
"Oh Murk you hot, longhaired love machine!"
"Jaybird! My man! I want you dude! I want you so bad!"
Much incongruous osculation followed, until Printer blundered into the room:
"Murk! Jaybird! You've been horribly slashed!"
"Keep out of this Printer. The Jay man and I have been in an off-camera relationship for the last five years."
"But Murk! I thought you were my romantic interest! The seventies are far too early to have a credibly characterised gay couple! Oh! I shall leave Gee Farce!"
"You're a girl! Who would employ you on their superhero team?"
At which point, Zoltaran Emulgel and the Freedom Brigade showed up:
"Surrender, Gee Farce! We know all about the convoluted, unnecessarily detailed three-way plot between you, Count Alucard and the Great Spigot to compromise what passes for quality in this series." At which point, Murk, Jaybird, Klumsyoaf and Tinny tried to do their Plotfix pyramid formation and summon their vaguely sentient Plotfix spaceship, but to their horror, they found Printer wasn't willing to participate:
"Printer this is unnecessarily petty and feminine of you." Jaybird complained to her.
"Hey, Printer, how would you like to join a superhero team with far more female membership?"
"Gosh, I'd love to! You have no idea what a massive sausage party Gee Farce is! Talk about annoying repetitious frat boy routines."
"Printer how dare you defect to our enemies!" Murk snapped.
"Oh, get some proper punctuation. So, uh, Bat Woman? Can you think of a superhero name for me?"
"I think Pink Swan would be more appropriate. As for you, gentlemen, we've enclosed you in an opaque, hermetically sealed pocket universe where you can't ever bother properly organised heroic endeavours again with your badly dubbed translations, bargain basement animation, incompetent villains, cardboard characterisation and hackneyed excuses for plots. So long..." The Eye, Mister Might, Bat Woman, Zoltaran Emulgel and Pink Swan all left the newly redesignated "Earth- Hack" to its own fate. However, three seconds later, Gee Farce and the Great Spigot were alone again, had completely forgotten about their new circumstances and were acting as if the prior scene had never happened, despite the gaping plot holes left by the former Printer's departure and Zoltaran Emulgel's reformation. And thus, they repeatedly recycled their adventures and their stilted characterisation meant nothing really changed there. No-one really cares and no-one's even remotely interested in that pocket universe of theirs, anyway. Zoltaran Emulgel changed their name to Star Coyote Blossom and became Mighty HermAphrodite's love interest and Pink Swan became Bat Woman's new first-echelon sidekick. But how did her regiment of Bat Girls respond? That's another story for another time.
As for Count Alucard, he found himself locked in a coffin, due to a probability glitch when Gee Farce were abreacted out of Earth-55's spatiotemporal timey wimey doohickey and can still be heard underground, whining bitterly to himself about being a side dish in an episode actually dominated by Gee Farce and not Eripmavs, because, let's face it, Gee Farce had far greater potential for parody and snide remarks from the author.
++
THE END [NOON, MAY 10, 2023]
++
CENTRE URANUS:
"Oooh, 1-Roofer-1, those naughty Zoltaran-Emulgels are attacking Earth again!"
"BARKBARK"
"We must dispatch Gee Farce, which watches over Earth and defends us from threats from alien galaxies beyond space! Watching and warning us all!!! Gee Farce, five indecipherable young people with stupid powers and hairless orphans- always five acting badly- always coherent! Always incomprehensible- Murk, Jaybird, Printer, Tinny and Klumsyoaf!!!"
"BARKBARK."
"Hahahahaha! I, the mighty Zoltaran-Emulgel will dead you utterly. Take that!!!"
"Zoltaran Emulgel you have forgotten our starship the Plotfix turns into a mighty flaming space bird!"
"Curses foiled again. What was that Flaming Great Spigot?"
"Right, Zoltaran Emulgel, I've had just about enough of this extremely lame parody of the already awful seventies anime series Babble of the Planet. I've decided to obliterate this entire plotline before it goes too far.'
"Oooh, Flaming Great Spigot, you naughty cosmic entity!"
"Just go away and get incinerated, 7-Glurk-7, you hideously stereotyped impersonation of a gay robot."
And with that, thankfully, the whole ghastly glimmerverse disintegrated into an incoherent, repetitious quagmire. Wait a minute, disintegrated into? And why did that just hijack the opening of this episode?
++
FBUS SATELLITE:
"What was all that about?" Lady Liberty asked.
"I think it's what that great physicist Dan Danstein theorised as being a 'glimmerverse'- that is, a highly ephemeral and momentary alternate existence that rapidly falls apart due to its own internal contradictions and utter ridiculousness." The Eye surmised.
"But Babble of the Planet? What possible connection could that utterly Haneyfied nonsense have to anything like our own universe?"
"Poor wretches. Trapped in a mayfly micro-universe they didn't ask to exist within, doomed to die of embarrassment." Mr Might commented.
"It must have been quick, which was unfortunately not the case elsewhere in the multiverse. Earth-33 had to endure two whole series of them. Anyway, back to business. I take it all of you are familiar with our old arch enemy Count Alucard?"
"Well, yes, how could we forget, Clint? You and I were on our honeymoon and this anachronistic and atopic gothic castle appeared out of nowhere in the middle of Transanguinary Pennsylvania. It was a dark and stormy night and it turned out Alucard was creating a redhaired woman, with a shapely figure and long eyelashes in order to release his tension and make her the Domestic Partner of Alucard. Unfortunately, your exes, Lola Lake and Louise Louche got sucked into the plot and used it for unseemly purposes involving time warps and overly saccharin translations." Mermaid exclaimed.
"Alucard has returned, albeit without Roxette, his Domestic Partner, and is fiendishly plotting to inject blood into people with his fangs, transforming them into his wanton slaves."
"Eripmavs are so unnatural. In any case, i thought given all those hacky sixties movies that he'd perpetrated at Hammerhead Horror Inc, he'd retired from the ghoul business?" Princess Power queried.
"Uh oh. What if that apparently unrelated Babble of the Planet interruption isn't just a case of bad writing and Count Alucard has taken over Centre Uranus, intending to use Gee Farce against us?" Lightpower said, as his eyes met those of Captain Swift:
"But why would Count Alucard bother to lumber himself with such an ungainly group of individuals as Gee Farce?" Captain Swift replied.
"I suspect it's the Authorial Presence at work again. It's trying to make us so ashamed of appearing in this series that we'll give up. Fortunately, that would require far better characterisation and continuity than has ever been the case in this universe. So we need to work out who Gee Farce's arch enemies are and enlist their help."
METROVILLE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE:
In a nondescript Department of Human Services office, a group of nondescript and half-forgotten characters awaited their Social Insecurity checks for the month. It was truly a pathetic sight- Snagglejaw couldn't afford proper dental care, Jeannie was impatiently awaiting an appointment with her social worker because Corey's latest alimony payment hadn't arrived again this month, and My Favourite Martians were appealing their deportation back to the Red Planet. In a cobwebbed corner, a figure in bizarre headwear and incongruous ruby red liptick suddenly became aware people were looking at him. He flinched and tried to conceal his awfully synched features from the newcomers:
"Zoltaran Emulgel?"
"No one has called me that for almost fifty years..." It was no good, the dubbing was still totally unco-ordinated. Zoltaran Emulgel touched up his lipstick, puckered and sobbed:
"Has Gee Farce come to take me in at last? After all this time?"
"It's all right, Zoltaran. Actually, Gee Farce have been taken over by a certain undead supernatural entity and gone evil. Therefore, given they've become morally inverted, we decided to insert a touch of corresponding moral ambiguity. Even if you are a defunct supreme ruler from the remaindered planet Spectorcle which went bankrupt from repeated ill-advised invasions of Earth because you just had to get even with Gee Farce." The Eye explained in a convenient infodump.
"Do you mean it? My repeated failures mean nothing to you? And who's the delightful intersexed person standing alongside you?"
The Mighty HermAphrodite raised an eyebrow: "Zoltaran, you mean you're unconventionally gendered too?"
"Originally I was. If I decide to spontaneously reform, can we have a dinner date after this is over?"
"I think you could become a supporting character in this series with any luck. It's about time I had a regular relationship."
"Ahem. Leaving the character development aside, Zoltaran, is there anything that you can think of that might come in useful against Gee Farce? We think they've been filled with eripmav blood and become soulless, lifeless creatures under the thrall of a living monster."
"You mean they're Republicans?"
"Well, not quite that bad." Lady Liberty glared at Mr Might over that interlude, but Zoltaran Emulgel was thinking:
"They operate as a team. However, I suspect Murk and Jaybird have the hots for one another and are hiding it from Printer, the only female member of the team. And she's chafing at the bit to have more female membership incorporated into their ranks. Also, flares and platform shoes."
"Thank you, Zoltaran Emulgel. We'd be quite pleased if you joined us for this mission, given your previous experience. And also because that's wonderful lipstick. Where'd you get it?" The Mighty HermAphrodite flirted shamelessly and batted their eyelashes at Zoltaran Emulgel."
SPECTORCLE:
On the far out, defunct planet Spectorcle, amidst an unpleasantly coagulated red and orange backdrop, a figure not unlike a vaguely birdlike representation brooded amidst the ruins of his bankrupt civilisation. The Spigot fumed away to itself, without even having Zoltaran Emulgel to belittle and lose his temper with after yet another bungle against Gee Farce. However, that was now fifty years or so ago and everyone had moved away from Spectorcle, and what was worse, planetary bankruptcy meant he couldn't afford any more competent hirelings. Colonel Wun and General Garlak were long gone, and the planet was deserted, with no-one to refer to him as the Great Lunatic One, The Lunatic One, the Spigot, Execrable Spigot, O Ponderous One, Oh Blight of Wrathfulness, Oh Indeterminate Cliche, the Shammy One and Murgatroydic One. Actually, the profuse use of hackneyed honorifics completely out of phase with his actual competence had caused massive budget blowouts on the planetary communication network and... wait a minute, who was that figure in the white cape?
"Who dares disturb the solitude of I, the Great Spigot?!"
"Can we please skip the ensuing gratuitous honorifics, birdfeatures? I'm Count Vladimir Putrid Alucard, an undead eripmav entity who wishes to enlist your services."
"Are you sure I can't convince you to purchase this planet?"
"Not a chance, bozo. Your economy is so stagnant, your star cut off its gravity because of your budgetary arrears and because it didn't want to be known as your primary. I'm told you have a routine in loud meaningless noises and pointless light shows. It will mean working alongside your old enemies, Gee Farce, who I have corrupted to serve me."
"Is that idiot Zoltaran Emulgel anywhere in the vicinity?"
"No, and given the moral inversion at work here, they've reformed and they're sweet on the Freedom Brigade's Mighty HermAphrodite."
"Gahh, how nauseating. All right, Alucard, my loudness and flashy lights are at your disposal. Because really, I've got nothing better to do."
++
CENTRE URANUS:
"Ooh! What are you intruders doing here?! Help, help, Murk and Printer."
"BARKBARK beep..." went 1-Roofer-1 as his plug was abruptly pulled out.
"It's no good crying for help, 7-Glurk-7. We need some information about why Babble of the Planet has been regurgitated after all these years of shame at how utterly awful it was."
"You won't defeat Gee Farce- hey!!!"
"Hey, these two are a pair of spare anime cels."
"You won't defeat Gee Farce!" Printer said, her soundtrack stuck
"Ooh! Free me from these butch muscular invaders from beyond space! Or I will be in bondage!" At which point, Bat Woman used her Bat Screwdriver to short-circuit the inane rip-off robot into mercifully permanent oblivion and silence.
"You won't defeat Gee Farce!" Printer said for a third time, her hands on her hips. However, by that time, Mr Might, Bat Woman and the Eye had found what they were after and left Centre Uranus.
"You won't defeat Gee Farce!" Printer continued to repeat herself for the next thirteen weeks, with Murk looking on voicelessly - primarily because the writers had forgotten to write any further dialogue for him.
GEE FARCE HQ:
"Oh Murk you hot, longhaired love machine!"
"Jaybird! My man! I want you dude! I want you so bad!"
Much incongruous osculation followed, until Printer blundered into the room:
"Murk! Jaybird! You've been horribly slashed!"
"Keep out of this Printer. The Jay man and I have been in an off-camera relationship for the last five years."
"But Murk! I thought you were my romantic interest! The seventies are far too early to have a credibly characterised gay couple! Oh! I shall leave Gee Farce!"
"You're a girl! Who would employ you on their superhero team?"
At which point, Zoltaran Emulgel and the Freedom Brigade showed up:
"Surrender, Gee Farce! We know all about the convoluted, unnecessarily detailed three-way plot between you, Count Alucard and the Great Spigot to compromise what passes for quality in this series." At which point, Murk, Jaybird, Klumsyoaf and Tinny tried to do their Plotfix pyramid formation and summon their vaguely sentient Plotfix spaceship, but to their horror, they found Printer wasn't willing to participate:
"Printer this is unnecessarily petty and feminine of you." Jaybird complained to her.
"Hey, Printer, how would you like to join a superhero team with far more female membership?"
"Gosh, I'd love to! You have no idea what a massive sausage party Gee Farce is! Talk about annoying repetitious frat boy routines."
"Printer how dare you defect to our enemies!" Murk snapped.
"Oh, get some proper punctuation. So, uh, Bat Woman? Can you think of a superhero name for me?"
"I think Pink Swan would be more appropriate. As for you, gentlemen, we've enclosed you in an opaque, hermetically sealed pocket universe where you can't ever bother properly organised heroic endeavours again with your badly dubbed translations, bargain basement animation, incompetent villains, cardboard characterisation and hackneyed excuses for plots. So long..." The Eye, Mister Might, Bat Woman, Zoltaran Emulgel and Pink Swan all left the newly redesignated "Earth- Hack" to its own fate. However, three seconds later, Gee Farce and the Great Spigot were alone again, had completely forgotten about their new circumstances and were acting as if the prior scene had never happened, despite the gaping plot holes left by the former Printer's departure and Zoltaran Emulgel's reformation. And thus, they repeatedly recycled their adventures and their stilted characterisation meant nothing really changed there. No-one really cares and no-one's even remotely interested in that pocket universe of theirs, anyway. Zoltaran Emulgel changed their name to Star Coyote Blossom and became Mighty HermAphrodite's love interest and Pink Swan became Bat Woman's new first-echelon sidekick. But how did her regiment of Bat Girls respond? That's another story for another time.
As for Count Alucard, he found himself locked in a coffin, due to a probability glitch when Gee Farce were abreacted out of Earth-55's spatiotemporal timey wimey doohickey and can still be heard underground, whining bitterly to himself about being a side dish in an episode actually dominated by Gee Farce and not Eripmavs, because, let's face it, Gee Farce had far greater potential for parody and snide remarks from the author.
++
THE END [NOON, MAY 10, 2023]