Post by redsycorax on Aug 6, 2023 3:02:29 GMT
Earth-55 inhabits a just plain weird universe. For example, take the scientific mythology of a "Counter Earth", which is on the opposite side of the Sun to Earth but permanently remains invisible to our world due to exactly matching Earth's orbital momentum. Well, inevitably, because Universe-55 has an utterly perverse set of physical laws, there is a Counter-Earth... but taking things to a ridiculous extreme, there are exact replicas of all of the other planets within the solar system on the opposite sides of their orbits as well...and all of them are invisible to their counterparts on our side of the Sun as well.
Because they're the exact opposites of their orthodox counterparts, you know what's coming next, don't you? Yes, Counter-Venus is inhabited by tacky alien cliches...
++
COUNTER-VENUS-55:
On Counter-Venus, the planet is ruled by women in black cowls, tight leather outfits, miniskirts, fishnet stockings and boots. Oh, and they're vampires. Don't ask me why, they just evolved that way. They don't reproduce and tend to bud from one another, due to convenience and suspect logic. Whenever the long lived Virgin Vampires of Venus die, a replacement buds off and continues the memories and experiences of their parent. Counter-Venus has been observing the Earth for centuries, given that it's far more interesting than the dreary rockpile of Counter-Earth on their erstwhile side of the Sun. Inevitably, one day, they discovered Earth humans were dimorphic:
"Sasparilla! Observe the strange beast that I have witnessed on our hyper-hypertelescope!"
"Gasp, Petronilla, it bares its breastless furry bare chest to the sun, with its pert nipples and huge muscles! It is not womanly!"
"Can Earth humans have... two ... sexes?"
"You speak heresy, Petronilla!!! The Goddess Vampyreilla created Women Alone!!! There is no 'second' sex! What would it do?"
"Yet I feel a strange stirring in my loins, Sasparilla!!!"
"You are a hetero-sexual pervert, Petronilla!!! Such rampant xenophiliacal desires must be quenched!!! Or our civilisation will fall!!!"
"But our planet is millions of years older than the Earth human world. Can this actually do any harm?"
"We must enslave these newly discovered Earth humans of the 'other' sex!"
"Why?"
"Because we are intolerant xenophobes and hostile extra-terrestrialism is in vogue at the moment. Anyhow, look at the way we're dressed."
"I see what you mean. At least we don't wear gingham frocks and pigtail wigs like the Swamp Deviants of Venerea Coagula."
Anyhow, to forestall further turgid purple prose from the Virgin (Counter) Venusian Vampires, a massive Counter-Venusian invasive force embarked in their flying coffee cups (because the flying saucers were prone to breakdowns). Was Earth doomed to alien domination from (Counter) Venusian Vampires due to their superior technology and inexplicable xenophobia? And why did they wear those outfits?
WASHINGTON:
"Earth humans! Tremble and cower before the Virtuous Virgin Vampires of (Counter) Venus, who have come to vehemently vindicate those who want to topple this unnatural thing called masculinity!!!"
FREEDOM BRIGADE HEADQUARTERS:
"Well, that was terse. Why do these Counter-Venusian Vampires have it in for men? And don't start, Dana."
Princess Power looked as innocent as driven snow, except for a raised eyebrow and smirk.
Bat Woman frowned at the hovering wobbly flying cups over world capitals:
"This isn't good at all. And it's the second invasion from a putative Venusian civilisation this month, even if this one is supposed to come from a "Counter-Venus"...all of which just means that it's identical to the Venus on 'our' side of the Sun. What's happened to respect for scientific accuracy in this universe?"
"Although I do like those outfits." Lady Liberty observed.
"Ah. A caped figure is coming to challenge the invaders. Hey, wait a minute. If that's Clint, he's not blonde and he doesn't wear a skirt. Unless there's something Mermaid and he haven't been telling us..."
WASHINGTON:
"I am Ms. Might, Mr. Might's inevitable secret emergency weapon although frankly, he's been keeping my existence a secret far too long. And excuse me, bloodsucking Counter-Venusian invaders, but Earth women can handle our affairs perfectly well without you."
"What about the peculiarly shaped mutated hominids you share your world with?"
"Well, frankly, I'm not a laddy lover, so I try to ignore them. See? Look, we have quite enough of loudmouth fanatical religious outfits of assorted kinds on this planet to annoy us without importing some more from offworld. And anyway, you're scientifically inaccurate. You can't possibly come from Counter-Venus, given it's identical to Venus and therefore a hellworld inferno with clouds of sulphuric acid and intense atmospheric pressure."
"We do not care for puny human science!!!"
"Obviously not for cumulative and replicable evidence-based empirical research either. Just because this is a parodyverse should not mean a cavalier and anachronistic disregard for mainstream science is permissible here!"
"Oh, stop lecturing us!" And with that, the VV flying cup unleashed a devastating murderdeathkill ray at Ms. Might, who was unharmed because the Counter-Venusians were ignorant of her Neonian origins and because the extremely unprepared invaders had a paradoxically backward approach to xenoanatomy and alien physiology. And because therefore, they were totally ignorant of the ever-expanding list of 'one weaknesses' she shared with Mr. Might. Before they could stop her, Ms. Might had broken into their flying cups, tied all of them up and hauled them off to Remonstration Island, the Glamazon Prison Island where they were soon writheing under stentorian lectures about cultural imperialism, pluralism and the ethics of just military intervention.
FREEDOM BRIGADE HEADQUARTERS:
As Ms Might alighted, several of the Freedom Brigadiers came out to see her:
"Hooray! Another female superbeing! Welcome, sister!" Princess Power exclaimed.
"Incidentally, does that remark about laddy loving mean what we hope it does, too? Because it's about time that this group had a lesbian superheroine of our own."
Ms Might nodded: "In my civilian life, I'm Leesa Lime, due to the fact the letter L has a peculiar relationship to my cousin. And I'm madly in love with Denise Dane, a reporter for a grating metropolitan newspaper. However, I cannot tell her of my secret because of my fear that my enemies would harass and attack her. Sigh."
Lady Liberty sighed: "Marriages don't tend to work out for some of us, dear. My own husband Jabez Woosh, aka the Patriot, turned evil when he succumbed to bald looniness and became the hair hating Captain Alopecia. On the other hand, Princess Power and Steve Tremor, Mr Might and Mermaid, Captain Swift and Ira West and Lightpower and Hamish MacHunk all have ridiculously happy marital lives. I mean, I know this is a fantasy universe, but that's too farfetched to believe."
"Incidentally, because I'm a female Neonian, I have a completely different list of one weaknesses from my cousin."
"We had no idea that Neon had alphabetsoupian minorities of its own."
"Oh, yes. Originally, I wanted to be known as Dynamo Dyke, but my killjoy cousin put his foot down. Anyway, I vow to obey the constitution of the Freedom Brigade and participate enthusiastically in its adventures from this point on. Ferret choke me if I lie, cross my heart and hope to never encounter a custard pie."
And with that, the Freedom Brigade entered a new error. Because the Author's spellcheck programme is misbehaving again. Excuse me while I threaten this temperamental computer with graphic images of nineteenth century Luddism.
EeeEEEEeek!!!!! You wouldn't dare Get away from me with that srcewdriver Daisy Daisy give me your answer do I'm melting I'm melting ###$$$ beep
THE END [12.30 PM, AUGUST 10, 2023]
Because they're the exact opposites of their orthodox counterparts, you know what's coming next, don't you? Yes, Counter-Venus is inhabited by tacky alien cliches...
++
COUNTER-VENUS-55:
On Counter-Venus, the planet is ruled by women in black cowls, tight leather outfits, miniskirts, fishnet stockings and boots. Oh, and they're vampires. Don't ask me why, they just evolved that way. They don't reproduce and tend to bud from one another, due to convenience and suspect logic. Whenever the long lived Virgin Vampires of Venus die, a replacement buds off and continues the memories and experiences of their parent. Counter-Venus has been observing the Earth for centuries, given that it's far more interesting than the dreary rockpile of Counter-Earth on their erstwhile side of the Sun. Inevitably, one day, they discovered Earth humans were dimorphic:
"Sasparilla! Observe the strange beast that I have witnessed on our hyper-hypertelescope!"
"Gasp, Petronilla, it bares its breastless furry bare chest to the sun, with its pert nipples and huge muscles! It is not womanly!"
"Can Earth humans have... two ... sexes?"
"You speak heresy, Petronilla!!! The Goddess Vampyreilla created Women Alone!!! There is no 'second' sex! What would it do?"
"Yet I feel a strange stirring in my loins, Sasparilla!!!"
"You are a hetero-sexual pervert, Petronilla!!! Such rampant xenophiliacal desires must be quenched!!! Or our civilisation will fall!!!"
"But our planet is millions of years older than the Earth human world. Can this actually do any harm?"
"We must enslave these newly discovered Earth humans of the 'other' sex!"
"Why?"
"Because we are intolerant xenophobes and hostile extra-terrestrialism is in vogue at the moment. Anyhow, look at the way we're dressed."
"I see what you mean. At least we don't wear gingham frocks and pigtail wigs like the Swamp Deviants of Venerea Coagula."
Anyhow, to forestall further turgid purple prose from the Virgin (Counter) Venusian Vampires, a massive Counter-Venusian invasive force embarked in their flying coffee cups (because the flying saucers were prone to breakdowns). Was Earth doomed to alien domination from (Counter) Venusian Vampires due to their superior technology and inexplicable xenophobia? And why did they wear those outfits?
WASHINGTON:
"Earth humans! Tremble and cower before the Virtuous Virgin Vampires of (Counter) Venus, who have come to vehemently vindicate those who want to topple this unnatural thing called masculinity!!!"
FREEDOM BRIGADE HEADQUARTERS:
"Well, that was terse. Why do these Counter-Venusian Vampires have it in for men? And don't start, Dana."
Princess Power looked as innocent as driven snow, except for a raised eyebrow and smirk.
Bat Woman frowned at the hovering wobbly flying cups over world capitals:
"This isn't good at all. And it's the second invasion from a putative Venusian civilisation this month, even if this one is supposed to come from a "Counter-Venus"...all of which just means that it's identical to the Venus on 'our' side of the Sun. What's happened to respect for scientific accuracy in this universe?"
"Although I do like those outfits." Lady Liberty observed.
"Ah. A caped figure is coming to challenge the invaders. Hey, wait a minute. If that's Clint, he's not blonde and he doesn't wear a skirt. Unless there's something Mermaid and he haven't been telling us..."
WASHINGTON:
"I am Ms. Might, Mr. Might's inevitable secret emergency weapon although frankly, he's been keeping my existence a secret far too long. And excuse me, bloodsucking Counter-Venusian invaders, but Earth women can handle our affairs perfectly well without you."
"What about the peculiarly shaped mutated hominids you share your world with?"
"Well, frankly, I'm not a laddy lover, so I try to ignore them. See? Look, we have quite enough of loudmouth fanatical religious outfits of assorted kinds on this planet to annoy us without importing some more from offworld. And anyway, you're scientifically inaccurate. You can't possibly come from Counter-Venus, given it's identical to Venus and therefore a hellworld inferno with clouds of sulphuric acid and intense atmospheric pressure."
"We do not care for puny human science!!!"
"Obviously not for cumulative and replicable evidence-based empirical research either. Just because this is a parodyverse should not mean a cavalier and anachronistic disregard for mainstream science is permissible here!"
"Oh, stop lecturing us!" And with that, the VV flying cup unleashed a devastating murderdeathkill ray at Ms. Might, who was unharmed because the Counter-Venusians were ignorant of her Neonian origins and because the extremely unprepared invaders had a paradoxically backward approach to xenoanatomy and alien physiology. And because therefore, they were totally ignorant of the ever-expanding list of 'one weaknesses' she shared with Mr. Might. Before they could stop her, Ms. Might had broken into their flying cups, tied all of them up and hauled them off to Remonstration Island, the Glamazon Prison Island where they were soon writheing under stentorian lectures about cultural imperialism, pluralism and the ethics of just military intervention.
FREEDOM BRIGADE HEADQUARTERS:
As Ms Might alighted, several of the Freedom Brigadiers came out to see her:
"Hooray! Another female superbeing! Welcome, sister!" Princess Power exclaimed.
"Incidentally, does that remark about laddy loving mean what we hope it does, too? Because it's about time that this group had a lesbian superheroine of our own."
Ms Might nodded: "In my civilian life, I'm Leesa Lime, due to the fact the letter L has a peculiar relationship to my cousin. And I'm madly in love with Denise Dane, a reporter for a grating metropolitan newspaper. However, I cannot tell her of my secret because of my fear that my enemies would harass and attack her. Sigh."
Lady Liberty sighed: "Marriages don't tend to work out for some of us, dear. My own husband Jabez Woosh, aka the Patriot, turned evil when he succumbed to bald looniness and became the hair hating Captain Alopecia. On the other hand, Princess Power and Steve Tremor, Mr Might and Mermaid, Captain Swift and Ira West and Lightpower and Hamish MacHunk all have ridiculously happy marital lives. I mean, I know this is a fantasy universe, but that's too farfetched to believe."
"Incidentally, because I'm a female Neonian, I have a completely different list of one weaknesses from my cousin."
"We had no idea that Neon had alphabetsoupian minorities of its own."
"Oh, yes. Originally, I wanted to be known as Dynamo Dyke, but my killjoy cousin put his foot down. Anyway, I vow to obey the constitution of the Freedom Brigade and participate enthusiastically in its adventures from this point on. Ferret choke me if I lie, cross my heart and hope to never encounter a custard pie."
And with that, the Freedom Brigade entered a new error. Because the Author's spellcheck programme is misbehaving again. Excuse me while I threaten this temperamental computer with graphic images of nineteenth century Luddism.
EeeEEEEeek!!!!! You wouldn't dare Get away from me with that srcewdriver Daisy Daisy give me your answer do I'm melting I'm melting ###$$$ beep
THE END [12.30 PM, AUGUST 10, 2023]