On Earth  -66, the greatest heroes are the Dinosaurian Duo, Godzilla and his son Minilla, who protect Japan from threats to life, limb and assorted other ill-tempered giant saurian entities who are jealous of their immense commercial success. However, the Home Islands have other great science heroes, such as the mysterious altruistic alien Ultraman, who wears a skintight outfit, visor and unleashes tremendous energy blasts.  His merchandising revenue is almost as great as that of the hallowed Godzilla, and the two entities are firm friends. Emissary of the Planet of Light (Hikarunowakeshi), Ultraman, usually disguised as clueless and negligibly socially skilled Saurian Science Scandal Suppression Patrol officer  Hizagashira ("Kneecaps")  Hiyata fights a never-ending battle for <appropriately redacted> truth, justice and the Chrysanthemum Throne!!!

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CHEESY BADLY TRANSLATED THEME TUNE:

ああ、彼はスポンジ・ボブのパトリックに似た生き物と戦っています。彼の胸の跡は理由もなくそこにあります！ゴムの衣装を着た説得力のない偽モンスターにジェスチャーをし、偽エネルギービームを発射!!光の星が彼を我々に負わせた――膝頭ウルトラマン!!!奇妙なラバーコスチュームを着た、奇妙なダンス怪獣がたくさん!!お買い得地下特撮!!!彼はそれほど聡明ではありません。光の星が彼を我々に負わせた――膝頭ウルトラマン！彼は身振りで示し、ゴム製の衣装を着た説得力のない偽のモンスターに偽のエネルギービームを発射します。彼はゴムの衣装を着た説得力のない偽のモンスターを排除するのが得意です。そうでないなら、なぜ彼をそばに置いておく必要があるでしょうか？

Ā, kare wa suponji Bobu no Patorikku ni nita ikimono to tatakatte imasu.
Kare no mune no ato wa riyū mo naku soko ni arimasu!
Gomu no ishō o kita settoku-ryoku no nai nise monsutā ni jesuchā o shi, nise enerugībīmu o hassha! !
Hikari no hoshi ga kare o wareware ni owa seta ―― hizagashira Urutoraman! ! !

Kimyōna rabākosuchūmu o kita, kimyōna dansu kaijū ga takusan!!
Okaidoku chika tokusatsu! ! !
Kare wa sorehodo sōmeide wa arimasen.

Hikari no hoshi ga kare o wareware ni owa seta ―― hizagashira Urutoraman!

Kare wa miburi de shimeshi, gomu-sei no ishō o kita settoku-ryoku
no nai nise no monsutā ni nise no enerugībīmu o hassha shimasu.
Kare wa gomu no ishō o kita settoku-ryoku no nai nise no monsutā o haijo suru no ga tokuidesu.
Sōdenainara, naze kare o soba ni oiteoku hitsuyō ga arudeshou ka?

Oh, he fights creatures that look like Patrick in Spongebob!
That mark on his chest is there for no reason!
He gestures and shoots fake energy beams at unconvincing fake monsters in rubber outfits!!
The Planet of Light inflicted him on us- Kneecaps Ultraman!!!
Lots of strange dancing kaiju in those strange rubber costumes!!
Bargain basement special effects!!!
He's not terribly bright.
The Planet of Light inflicted him on us- Kneecaps Ultraman!
He gestures and shoots fake energy beams at unconvincing fake monsters in rubber outfits!
He's good at getting rid of unconvincing fake monsters in rubber outfits, otherwise why would we keep him around?


TOKYO: SAURIAN SCIENCE SCANDAL SUPPRESSION PATROL HQ:

Hizagashira ("Kneecaps") Hiyata, mildmannered agent for the SSSSP frowned:
"Chief, this can't be right!"
"What can't be, operative Hizagashira?"
"These insurance premiums for Tokyo commercial properties! They're over the roof!"
"Well, what do you expect, given every gargantuan, surly and bad-mannered  kaiju between here and the Aleutian island chain routinely decides to rampage through downtown Tokyo on a fortnightly basis?"
"But surely Ultraman or Godzilla intercepts them in time, usually?"
"True, but those costs accumulate, Agent Hizagashira . I mean, it's only May, but we've already had fifteen kaiju raids on the metropolitan area this year. Absenteeism and corporate relocations are at an all time high."
"Gosh, Chief, that sounds annoying realistic. Usually, people are willing to applaud the bravery,  courage  and intricate special effects wizardry of Godzilla, Minilla or Ultraman enthusiastically and not worry particularly much about trivial things like insurance payouts and actuarial calculations."
"Yes, well, the government tendered out for insurance cover and it was taken over by an American tycoon. Hence the skyrocketing insurance prices." 
"But this will bankrupt the Home Islands at the rate they're charging!"

And quite predictably, given that it usually happened each Thursday at 10.00 am on the dot, there was an irate bellowing and deafening growl from the general direction of the Pacific as a hideously cloaked and temperamental enormity lurched out of Tokyo Bay. But this time, Godzilla and his enthusiastic offspring/sidekick Minilla, were off on far out Monsutaairando ("Monster Island") trying to arrange daycare for Mothra, who would otherwise be unable to keep her innumerable progeny from flying over to Japan and wreaking mayhem.  And moreover, there was something annoying familiarly about this kaiju. It wasn't saurian at all- it was humanoid! And then it spoke:
"I'M THE GOSHDURNED FRANK MILLER BATMAN!!! WHY ISN'T MY MERCHANDISE BEING MARKETED HERE? WAAAHHHH! I WANT MY MONEY!!!"

The SSSSP Chief frowned and turned to talk to Hizagashira Hiyata. However, the mild mannered and somewhat socially challenged operative had darted out of office and activated his Beta Bloater, to gain height and musculature and metamorphose into Japan's mightiest science hero, Ultraman!!!

CENTRAL TOKYO:

As Ultraman flew through the Tokyo skies en route to face the deeply annoying Frank Miller Batman, he consulted his mentors on the distant Planet of Light, Hikarunowakeshi:
-Why has this loud Furankomirabattoman kaiju returned?
-Strictly speaking, Ultraman, this isn't a kaiju. It isn't reptilian, nor does it have scales and sharp teeth.
-Why? It's also large, loud and aggressive, like a kaiju normally is. And why is the Furankomirabattoman here  in Japan? Godzilla and Minilla told me the last time they faced him, it was in America's Gotham City, not here. 
-It's humanoid. However, I fear that its presence here is belligerent pique and affronted response at the fact that Japan prefers the classic Adam West Battoman of the sixties, instead of the grimier and gristlier version of the character created by Frank Miller. Moreover, both you and Godzilla are far more popular than Battoman when it comes to Japanese and East Asian revenue from films, action figures, television spin-offs, syndication royalties, gaming adaptations and the new, burgeoning virtual reality interactive market. 
-Am I going to get SSSSP backup this time or not?
-Well, no, we explained that earlier in this infodump sequence, Ultraman. 
-Why is my kneecap sore?
-I think it's a "cute" mistranslation glitch from the mystical Authorial presence guiding this iteration, Ultraman. Apparently, it's a sly dig at your new Shin Ultraman film adaptation. Instead of meaning 'new', for some convoluted reason, the Author evidently thought it would be "humourous" to have you experiencing ankle problems, which also explains why your civilian identity is now named "Kneecap" or Hizagashira  Hiyata. 
-Incidentally, why is Furankomirabattoman now coloured green and yellow? I thought his uniform was supposed to be grey and black.
-It probably has something else to do with the bargain basement translation software that they've got handling this story. It isn't doing English/Japanese or Japanese/English terribly well, so continuity warps are happening with annoying regularity. Be vigilant

Moments later, Ultraman landed in Tokyo Bay, sternly facing Furankomirabattoman, who was vocally cursing and abusing the surrounding area:
"WHAT THE HELL, WHY IS THAT FAT MIDDLE-AGED VERSION OF ME SO POPULAR OVER HERE? AND WHY IS THAT FLYING MUTE GRAY SKINNED WANNABE GESTURING AT ME LIKE THAT? I'M THE GOSHDURNED FRANK MILLER BATMAN!!! I DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH CROSSOVERS!!! THAT NO-GOOD DINOSAUR AND HIS BRAT WERE BAD ENOUGH!!!"
Ultraman winced and activated his motion earplugs so he wouldn't have to put up with the inane and petulant complaints from the unpleasant case of roid rage across the water from him. He gestured toward Furankomirabattoman and ultra-beam radiation poured out from his hands. But to his surprise and horror, it didn't affect the irate and screeching Furankomirabattoman, who had suddenly and inexplicably developed an annoying and anomalous continuity-free case of invulnerability. An instant later, on obvious piano wires, an ungainly Furankomirabattoman  took off from his position within the bay and unsteadily flew toward Ultraman, with badly designed Bat-Jetpack technology fizzling and hissing on his back. Even though the character was supposed to not have access to that standard of technology and it was more consistent with the earlier Adam West iteration!  Fortunately, the flight scene was so badly choreographed, Ultraman had plenty of time to sidestep as Furankomirabattoman tried to lash out at him and instead crashed into a papier mache version of Mount Fuji. For that matter, the entire Tokyo skyline seemed to consist of jury rigged large cardboard boxes with cellophane 'windows', and Furankomirabattoman's mouth was moving with an extremely bad synch job.
"WHY DO YOU HAVE A SKINTIGHT OUTFIT ANYHOW, ULTRAMAN? IS IT TO ATTRACT THE GAY BOY AUDIENCE, HUH? I'M A ***REAL MAN***. LOOK AT ME! I'M LOUD, OVERMUSCLED AND OBNOXIOUS LIKE ALL  REAL AMERICAN^TM    MEN SHOULD BE!!!"

Actually, Furankomirabattoman carried on like one of those overwrought American wrestling shows, although they'd never be desperate enough to hire an overaged bitter old case of roid rage like him. And what was with the homophobia, anyway? Didn't he realise how hopelessly unhomoerotic he was?  With that routine, he wouldn't be able to pick up the lucrative metropolitan gay male professional market segment. Meanwhile, Furankomirabattoman  leapt forward toward him again, but this time got tangled in the piano wire and ended up crashing into a papier mache island as Ultraman once more effortlessly sidestepped him.  This was getting repetitious and Ultraman suspected that the co-production team had been hired on a shoestring budget and was intentionally  repeating footage to cut costs.  An idea occurred to Ultraman, who aimed his ultrabeams at the piano wire and bombarded it with ultra radiation. His ruse was successful as the piano wire fused, partially melted and coagulated into a glutinous mass, in which Furankomirabattoman was trapped. Fortuitously, he stayed trapped within the plastic blob even when he inexplicably shrank to normal size. Ultraman then threw him back over the Pacific toward the United States, and good riddance. 

That had been some adventure. However, he winced at the residual kneecap pain, which had been only tangentially referred to within the dialogue, had played no real part in the badly choreographed 'combat' scene with the defeated Furankomirabattoman and yet was still misbehaving, as well as having existed only for this single episode of his ongoing heroic exploits. Was this an attempt to make him more 'human and relatable,' Ultraman wondered? He'd have to check up with Godzilla and Minilla when they returned from Monsutairrando  after they'd finished containing Mothra's rebellious offspring, who had become extremely unco-operative because their parent had placed the profits from the previous Mothra encounters into a trust fund and given that they were now rebellious adolescents, wouldn't do what their parent said. Although Ultraman wondered if this were a cunning attempt to take advantage of the previously signalled Godzilla/Ultraman crossover film in which both of them battled Mothra on the island. Ah well. It would be a fortnight before he was called on to start performing out in the Pacific. 

Ultraman activated his beta blocker and shrank down to Hizagashira Hiyata, making sure no-one saw him do so, despite the advanced surveillance, motion sensor and drone technology that existed in modern day Tokyo. It was another job well done and once more, he had saved the day for something approximating 'truth' (albeit heavily redacted), justice and the Chrysanthemum Throne. Wow, was he thirsty!!! Time for some saki wine and sushi!!! And even better, he'd done it with a minimum of violence, so as to placate the overseas censors, and well within budget. Apart from the totalled papier mache Mount Fuji, there was no building damage and no consequent increased insurance premiums.

EPILOGUE:

Several weeks later, in Gotham, a suspiciously overmuscled, loud and profane Burusu U~Ein screeched when he saw the data from the Japanese building insurance policies. Furankomirabattoman's  thwarted rampage through downtown Tokyo had destroyed no buildings at all. There hadn't even been any real damage to Mount Fuji, given that his irate alter-ego had demolished nothing more than a papier-mache replica. We will spare our readers the language used by the tantrum-prone tycoon, given that this is a G rated adventure and supposed to be wholesome family fun. And thus, Furankomirabattoman's half-baked opportunist plot to adversely exploit some of the implicit continuity and realism gaps in Japan's most prestigious and rewarding multimedia properties came to naught. 


THE END  [2.05 PM, 4 SEPTEMBER  2023]