Post by redsycorax on Nov 27, 2023 1:14:18 GMT
In Universe-255, Klatta Zom-Bel got rocketed to Earth from Kriptoon and became the Blonde Bombmachine, Superella!!! Kris Kringel came across the magical sled, reindeer and red outfit after the ascension of Saint Nicholas and became that Avatar of the Season, Santa Claus!!!
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"Great Loons of Kriptoon!!! A flying chubby bearded man in a chariot pulled by aerial reindeer! Are you from my varnished homeworld too?"
"No, Klatta Zom-Bel, I am Santa Claus, a metaphysical incarnation of all that is winterish and Decembery, which does cause some problems in the Southern Hemisphere where it's high summer, but that's irrelevant for the purposes of this episode. I need your help. I'm stretched for time and need to deliver presents across the globe over the course of the next two days, starting with Tonga and New Zealous and ending up back where I started."
"But what does this festival mean? I am alien and new to the ways of this planet!"
"It means that I reward children for being good. And this isn't an Earth-Three story, so I don't go around enslaving elves in poorly ventilated workshops and punishing them with bullwhips during toy manufacture. Really I don't. This isn't one of those dark and gritty tales which the Authorial Presence that is forming this narrative is obsessed with. [You big spoilsport!- R] Can you assist me, Superella?"
"Which way is east and which way is west?"
"You do realise that your depiction is deeply suspect and reinforces sexist stereotypes about blondes?"
"Actually, Kriptoonians are metamorphic creatures whose molecular structure is based on the quadrated octo-helix. Thus, when my rocket ship landed here from my domed home planet, I took the shape of the first being I encountered. Sadly, it wasn't the dominant one, which has four legs and goes miaou. My humanoid appearance is actually mimicry. So I'm not really a blonde female humanoid with a stereotypical intelligence deficit."
"Enough padding, Klatta Zom-Bel! Will you or won't you?"
"Yes, I will, Santa Claus. How wonderful to bring joy and happiness to this planet's juvenile inhabitants!"
And so, Superella assisted the kindly little old white haired bearded man in the sleigh and everyone had a Happy Exmass.
THE HAPPY ENDING
However, in a sordid little house below, in another universe altogether...
"No! No! Don't stick your fist in there! Help! Police!"
"It's no good, Earth-C's Desmond Turkey, your last reprieve lapsed and you're going to be Plucked and Stuffed repeatedly. Go on, take that fist!!! You know you want to be shoved in an oven, decapitated and baked enough to singe your flesh, after which you will be devoured!!! Oh, the underlying grisly horror of Anticristmas on Earth-Three!!!"
"Help!!! Save me! I'm being victimised by a wilfully misinterpreted and highly crude depiction of intelligent design and determinist philosophy, resulting in me being doomed to end up as someone's Anticristmas dindins because I was foreordained to fulfil that function!!!"
"Enough existential angst, Desmond Turkey! Get in there and fry!!!"
"PKAAARKKK!!!" CLANG. TIKTIKTIKTIKTIK...
PING.
THE EARTH-THREE ENDING
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"Great Loons of Kriptoon!!! A flying chubby bearded man in a chariot pulled by aerial reindeer! Are you from my varnished homeworld too?"
"No, Klatta Zom-Bel, I am Santa Claus, a metaphysical incarnation of all that is winterish and Decembery, which does cause some problems in the Southern Hemisphere where it's high summer, but that's irrelevant for the purposes of this episode. I need your help. I'm stretched for time and need to deliver presents across the globe over the course of the next two days, starting with Tonga and New Zealous and ending up back where I started."
"But what does this festival mean? I am alien and new to the ways of this planet!"
"It means that I reward children for being good. And this isn't an Earth-Three story, so I don't go around enslaving elves in poorly ventilated workshops and punishing them with bullwhips during toy manufacture. Really I don't. This isn't one of those dark and gritty tales which the Authorial Presence that is forming this narrative is obsessed with. [You big spoilsport!- R] Can you assist me, Superella?"
"Which way is east and which way is west?"
"You do realise that your depiction is deeply suspect and reinforces sexist stereotypes about blondes?"
"Actually, Kriptoonians are metamorphic creatures whose molecular structure is based on the quadrated octo-helix. Thus, when my rocket ship landed here from my domed home planet, I took the shape of the first being I encountered. Sadly, it wasn't the dominant one, which has four legs and goes miaou. My humanoid appearance is actually mimicry. So I'm not really a blonde female humanoid with a stereotypical intelligence deficit."
"Enough padding, Klatta Zom-Bel! Will you or won't you?"
"Yes, I will, Santa Claus. How wonderful to bring joy and happiness to this planet's juvenile inhabitants!"
And so, Superella assisted the kindly little old white haired bearded man in the sleigh and everyone had a Happy Exmass.
THE HAPPY ENDING
However, in a sordid little house below, in another universe altogether...
"No! No! Don't stick your fist in there! Help! Police!"
"It's no good, Earth-C's Desmond Turkey, your last reprieve lapsed and you're going to be Plucked and Stuffed repeatedly. Go on, take that fist!!! You know you want to be shoved in an oven, decapitated and baked enough to singe your flesh, after which you will be devoured!!! Oh, the underlying grisly horror of Anticristmas on Earth-Three!!!"
"Help!!! Save me! I'm being victimised by a wilfully misinterpreted and highly crude depiction of intelligent design and determinist philosophy, resulting in me being doomed to end up as someone's Anticristmas dindins because I was foreordained to fulfil that function!!!"
"Enough existential angst, Desmond Turkey! Get in there and fry!!!"
"PKAAARKKK!!!" CLANG. TIKTIKTIKTIKTIK...
PING.
THE EARTH-THREE ENDING
