Post by redsycorax on Feb 28, 2024 23:45:36 GMT
All right, yes, the Freedom Brigade is blackmailing me unless I write another adventure from their log book. Which for some reason is written on a tree in Neonese. Ow, my head hurts. Come with us now and see how they handled the hideous menace of Robotic Turnip Head Monsters from Pallas!!!
+++
PALLAS-55:
As has been frequently noted, Universe-55's approach to scientific matters is cavalier and downright ridiculous in some places. Unfortunately, Pallas-55 is one of them. Whereas Pallas in most decent mainstream universes is a large but uninhabited asteroid in an eccentric orbit high above the elliptic where most of our solar system's planets and asteroids circle, in Universe 55, it is inhabited by ...Robotic Turnip Headed Monsters who lust after the invasion and subjugation of Earth.
"Hah, Mblqwtz!!!"
"What do you want, Qrtlblt, my triple husbandoid?"
"Our people are perishing for want of space."
"Hah! Then we shall invade the Earth planet and conquer it!"
"But what of the mighty men, women and non-binary gendered beings that protect the Earth planet from our wrath?"
"They too will be conquered and experience bondage to our all-powerful Robotic Turnip Headed Monster kind!!!"
"And by "bondage", you mean enslavement and brutal oppression?"
"No, I mean kinkiness involving ropes, chains and whips. We might as well enjoy ourselves while we're down there."
"And why are we speaking Japanese so badly?"
"Because this is being adapted from a very short-lived anime series featuring the Freedom Brigade that only lasted for three episodes."
FREEDOM BRIGADE HEADQUARTERS: LATER:
"My fellow Freedom Brigadiers!!! Something awful has happened!!! There are reports of strange Robotic Turnip Head Monsters from Pallas!!! Hey, why am I speaking with three exclamation marks???"
"And why do we have suddenly enlarged eyes, look like teenagers and our female members suddenly wear miniskirts and have copious cleavage???" Black Vulcan pointed out.
"Oh no!!! This bad dubbing into English and the stereotyped attributes of our animation can only mean one thing!!! We have been pitched into an anime adventure!!!" Lady Liberty exclaimed
Bat Woman frowned: "I wonder if this has anything to do with those Robotic Turnip Headed Monsters that have suddenly appeared, stalking through forests and not even looking vaguely menacing??? Sudden Cute Small Robot Accessory, can you tell us where these sudden interlopers come from???"
"WHIR CLICK WOOT Bat Woman. The mysterious Robotic Turnip Headed Monsters are from the asteroid Pallas!!!"
"That's ridiculous!!! Pallas doesn't have enough mass or gravity to retain an atmosphere, and it's too far away from the sun in the first place!!! What wanton scientific inaccuracy!!!"
"WHIR CLICK WOOT Mister Might. The mysterious Robotic Turnip Headed Monsters are mutants from space probes that crashed on Pallas."
"Descended from inanimate objects that aren't alive in the first place???" Captain Swift raised an eyebrow
"We will transform into the Mighty HermAphrodite using meaningless technicolour transformation sequences and hand implements!!!" Butch Dykeman and Toni Gay exclaimed.
"Since when does the Mighty HermAphrodite have a transformation sequence anyway??? They're usually already the Mighty HermAphrodite anyhow!!!" Black Vulcan commented
"And since when do we have an Annoyingly Cute Robot Accessory???"
"Oh no!!! It's bad manga mistranslation and padding to stretch out the episode!!!" Lady Liberty gasped.
"Have Toni and Butch finished their technicolour transformation sequence yet???" Mister Might asked.
"No, it usually takes about four or five minutes!!! Just a moment, is that a multicolour pinwheel??? Oh no!!! Someone has sabotaged the download speed on our mainframe!!!" Ms. Might gulped
"What a cunning plan!!! But we have a super-speedster!!! Why am I stating the obvious like this??? What age group does the anime distribution company think this is pitched at???" Bat Woman grimaced.
"Good idea, though, Bat Woman!!! One moment and I'll unglitch Toni and Butch's transformation special effects... there!!!"
The Mighty HermAphrodite took a swift coke from the drinks dispatcher:
"Thanks, Billy!!! For a moment, I thought that convoluted special effects sequence would never end!!!"
"WHIR CLICK WOOT Not so fast, Freedom Brigade!!! I am not only an Annoyingly Cute Small Robot, for I am... Dreaditron 500,000, Ruthless Supreme Hereditary Emperor of the Robotic Turnip Headed Monsters!!! I have been masquerading all the time, gaining knowledge of your operations!!! Now I shall destroy you all in a series of spectacular but essentially overblown explosions!!! Ha ha hah hah hah ha!!! Ha! Ha hah ha! Ha!"
"That's what you think, Dreaditron 500,000!!! Look who I've brought in to save us!!!" Lady Liberty said, and into the main conference room stepped...
"Yes, Dreaditron!!! It is I!!! Libby the Liberty Cat!!! And under the rules of anime, I can talk, am highly intelligent and can operate complex technology like this Anti-Ruthless Supreme Hereditary Emperor of the Robotic Turnip Headed Monsters Blaster Cannon!!! Take that!!!"
"URRRGHHHH!!!!" For Dreaditron 500,000, the Ruthless Supreme Hereditary Emperor of the Robotic Turnip Headed Monsters was deceased, expired, moribund, posthumous, vacant, and any other adjectives that apply to this situation.
THE UNSPECIFIED FOREST:
The Freedom Brigade teleported down to the interchangeable and unspecified Forest where the Robotic Turnip Headed Monsters were still wandering around at random, followed by hordes of annoying ingenue small boys pointing out the obvious but strangely tolerated by The Authorities. They weren't actually harming anything and they weren't even remotely 'frightening', except to several images of an interchangeable young Japanese woman in her twenties, putting her hands to her face, pointing and screaming that were repeated several times between frames of the Freedom Brigade running across the landscape to the scene.
"What's going on here?" An out of place pipe smoking American general said gruffly.
"AIEEEE!!! They're horrible!!! They will take over our planet, lay waste to Tokyo and fight other monsters!!!"
"Not so fast!!! Come on, Raka!!! We'll use our super-mighty strength to pummel the creatures into submission, even though they haven't actually hurt anyone!!! Because we're senseless xenophobes and this cartoon has no character development and continuity whatsoever and can actually kill these creatures!!!" Mr Might took off and soared toward the Robotic Turnip Headed Monsters in several repeated frames.
"Just a moment, everyone!!! We're missing something!!! Pallas can't actually be inhabited and these monsters can't actually be from there!!! I suspect the crowd of annoying ingenue small boys!!! They're actually our old enemy, Beelzewaylon!!!"
There was an abrupt cloud of acrid smoke: "YUSS WHUT darn you, Freedom Brigade!!! I was going to destroy you by bargain basement anime production values, crap continuity, a disjointed, bewildering and highly repetitious plots and contradictory, unnecessary budget blow outs on flashy special effects!!! I would have had my revenge on you!!! And I wad have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling superheroes!!! This episode wuz supposed to be called Thuh "Abomination of Waylon" after me!!! Oh NUH WHUT..." For in a scorched circle had appeared the Freedom Brigade's small kitten shaped and ornately behorned demonic overlord ally Asmewdeus:
"Not again, - Waylon!!! You've been warned about cack-handed stupid schemes involving this universe!"
"NUH WHUT you won't take me alive, Asmewdeus..."
"Don't be ridiculous, -Waylon. Coventional organic demarcations don't apply to us, so it's not as if we're 'alive' or 'dead.' So take that in your pipe and smoke it, Erwin Schrodinger!!!"
To circumvent the hackneyed plot of the not even remotely menacing entity, Asmewdeus threw a bucket of water over -Waylon, who screamed:
"I'm melting! I'm melting! NUH WHUT!!! Oh, my complete lack of strategy and competence...no... no! No! no..."
"Oh, get on with it, you irritating failed demonic 'threat'! And stop ripping off L. Frank Baum!" Asmewdeus growled.
With their dialogue back to normal, the Freedom Brigade thanked their diminutive morally ambiguous demonic overlord small feline adversary:
"Thank you for your help, Asmewdeus. As ever, we're grateful. But what's with -Waylon's prefixes???"
"He got demoted and kicked out of Hell and isn't entitled to be a Beelze- anyhow. I'm sorry I was so long getting here, but when I spotted the deliberately convoluted plot with no real sense of cohesion and continuity, I suspected that the perpetrator was someone spectacularly incompetent and stupid. And then I realised it could only be one being... incidentally, he's now known as Spootwaylon."
"Will this be the last we see of him?"
"The Satanic Hierarchy has had quite enough of him Debasing Our Stock Market Value on the Inferno 500 by his lame antics and total lack of any menace or talent whatsoever. He's no longer entitled to call himself a demon, even. He's been sacked from the entire category of Devils or Any Allied Concept now, so that should put a stop to him."
But as the Ornately Behorned Demonic Small Kitten Emissary of Moral Ambiguity fizzled away into nothing, a pock marked bunny rabbit muttered: "YUSS WHUT curse you Hell and the Freedom Brigade! Even if I am forced to masquerade as a pock marked bunny rabbit with missing hunks of fur, I wull avenge myself! You haven't heard the last of Spootwaylon, the Evil Bunny Rabbit Avatar of Evil!!!"
Asmewdeus' disembodied voice chided: "Honestly. No punctuation, and the redundancy in that last phrase of the sentence? Of course you're an evil something something avatar of that property, you lame excuse for an even mildly threatening series villain..."
THE END: 12.20 PM: MARCH 4, 2024
+++
PALLAS-55:
As has been frequently noted, Universe-55's approach to scientific matters is cavalier and downright ridiculous in some places. Unfortunately, Pallas-55 is one of them. Whereas Pallas in most decent mainstream universes is a large but uninhabited asteroid in an eccentric orbit high above the elliptic where most of our solar system's planets and asteroids circle, in Universe 55, it is inhabited by ...Robotic Turnip Headed Monsters who lust after the invasion and subjugation of Earth.
"Hah, Mblqwtz!!!"
"What do you want, Qrtlblt, my triple husbandoid?"
"Our people are perishing for want of space."
"Hah! Then we shall invade the Earth planet and conquer it!"
"But what of the mighty men, women and non-binary gendered beings that protect the Earth planet from our wrath?"
"They too will be conquered and experience bondage to our all-powerful Robotic Turnip Headed Monster kind!!!"
"And by "bondage", you mean enslavement and brutal oppression?"
"No, I mean kinkiness involving ropes, chains and whips. We might as well enjoy ourselves while we're down there."
"And why are we speaking Japanese so badly?"
"Because this is being adapted from a very short-lived anime series featuring the Freedom Brigade that only lasted for three episodes."
FREEDOM BRIGADE HEADQUARTERS: LATER:
"My fellow Freedom Brigadiers!!! Something awful has happened!!! There are reports of strange Robotic Turnip Head Monsters from Pallas!!! Hey, why am I speaking with three exclamation marks???"
"And why do we have suddenly enlarged eyes, look like teenagers and our female members suddenly wear miniskirts and have copious cleavage???" Black Vulcan pointed out.
"Oh no!!! This bad dubbing into English and the stereotyped attributes of our animation can only mean one thing!!! We have been pitched into an anime adventure!!!" Lady Liberty exclaimed
Bat Woman frowned: "I wonder if this has anything to do with those Robotic Turnip Headed Monsters that have suddenly appeared, stalking through forests and not even looking vaguely menacing??? Sudden Cute Small Robot Accessory, can you tell us where these sudden interlopers come from???"
"WHIR CLICK WOOT Bat Woman. The mysterious Robotic Turnip Headed Monsters are from the asteroid Pallas!!!"
"That's ridiculous!!! Pallas doesn't have enough mass or gravity to retain an atmosphere, and it's too far away from the sun in the first place!!! What wanton scientific inaccuracy!!!"
"WHIR CLICK WOOT Mister Might. The mysterious Robotic Turnip Headed Monsters are mutants from space probes that crashed on Pallas."
"Descended from inanimate objects that aren't alive in the first place???" Captain Swift raised an eyebrow
"We will transform into the Mighty HermAphrodite using meaningless technicolour transformation sequences and hand implements!!!" Butch Dykeman and Toni Gay exclaimed.
"Since when does the Mighty HermAphrodite have a transformation sequence anyway??? They're usually already the Mighty HermAphrodite anyhow!!!" Black Vulcan commented
"And since when do we have an Annoyingly Cute Robot Accessory???"
"Oh no!!! It's bad manga mistranslation and padding to stretch out the episode!!!" Lady Liberty gasped.
"Have Toni and Butch finished their technicolour transformation sequence yet???" Mister Might asked.
"No, it usually takes about four or five minutes!!! Just a moment, is that a multicolour pinwheel??? Oh no!!! Someone has sabotaged the download speed on our mainframe!!!" Ms. Might gulped
"What a cunning plan!!! But we have a super-speedster!!! Why am I stating the obvious like this??? What age group does the anime distribution company think this is pitched at???" Bat Woman grimaced.
"Good idea, though, Bat Woman!!! One moment and I'll unglitch Toni and Butch's transformation special effects... there!!!"
The Mighty HermAphrodite took a swift coke from the drinks dispatcher:
"Thanks, Billy!!! For a moment, I thought that convoluted special effects sequence would never end!!!"
"WHIR CLICK WOOT Not so fast, Freedom Brigade!!! I am not only an Annoyingly Cute Small Robot, for I am... Dreaditron 500,000, Ruthless Supreme Hereditary Emperor of the Robotic Turnip Headed Monsters!!! I have been masquerading all the time, gaining knowledge of your operations!!! Now I shall destroy you all in a series of spectacular but essentially overblown explosions!!! Ha ha hah hah hah ha!!! Ha! Ha hah ha! Ha!"
"That's what you think, Dreaditron 500,000!!! Look who I've brought in to save us!!!" Lady Liberty said, and into the main conference room stepped...
"Yes, Dreaditron!!! It is I!!! Libby the Liberty Cat!!! And under the rules of anime, I can talk, am highly intelligent and can operate complex technology like this Anti-Ruthless Supreme Hereditary Emperor of the Robotic Turnip Headed Monsters Blaster Cannon!!! Take that!!!"
"URRRGHHHH!!!!" For Dreaditron 500,000, the Ruthless Supreme Hereditary Emperor of the Robotic Turnip Headed Monsters was deceased, expired, moribund, posthumous, vacant, and any other adjectives that apply to this situation.
THE UNSPECIFIED FOREST:
The Freedom Brigade teleported down to the interchangeable and unspecified Forest where the Robotic Turnip Headed Monsters were still wandering around at random, followed by hordes of annoying ingenue small boys pointing out the obvious but strangely tolerated by The Authorities. They weren't actually harming anything and they weren't even remotely 'frightening', except to several images of an interchangeable young Japanese woman in her twenties, putting her hands to her face, pointing and screaming that were repeated several times between frames of the Freedom Brigade running across the landscape to the scene.
"What's going on here?" An out of place pipe smoking American general said gruffly.
"AIEEEE!!! They're horrible!!! They will take over our planet, lay waste to Tokyo and fight other monsters!!!"
"Not so fast!!! Come on, Raka!!! We'll use our super-mighty strength to pummel the creatures into submission, even though they haven't actually hurt anyone!!! Because we're senseless xenophobes and this cartoon has no character development and continuity whatsoever and can actually kill these creatures!!!" Mr Might took off and soared toward the Robotic Turnip Headed Monsters in several repeated frames.
"Just a moment, everyone!!! We're missing something!!! Pallas can't actually be inhabited and these monsters can't actually be from there!!! I suspect the crowd of annoying ingenue small boys!!! They're actually our old enemy, Beelzewaylon!!!"
There was an abrupt cloud of acrid smoke: "YUSS WHUT darn you, Freedom Brigade!!! I was going to destroy you by bargain basement anime production values, crap continuity, a disjointed, bewildering and highly repetitious plots and contradictory, unnecessary budget blow outs on flashy special effects!!! I would have had my revenge on you!!! And I wad have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling superheroes!!! This episode wuz supposed to be called Thuh "Abomination of Waylon" after me!!! Oh NUH WHUT..." For in a scorched circle had appeared the Freedom Brigade's small kitten shaped and ornately behorned demonic overlord ally Asmewdeus:
"Not again, - Waylon!!! You've been warned about cack-handed stupid schemes involving this universe!"
"NUH WHUT you won't take me alive, Asmewdeus..."
"Don't be ridiculous, -Waylon. Coventional organic demarcations don't apply to us, so it's not as if we're 'alive' or 'dead.' So take that in your pipe and smoke it, Erwin Schrodinger!!!"
To circumvent the hackneyed plot of the not even remotely menacing entity, Asmewdeus threw a bucket of water over -Waylon, who screamed:
"I'm melting! I'm melting! NUH WHUT!!! Oh, my complete lack of strategy and competence...no... no! No! no..."
"Oh, get on with it, you irritating failed demonic 'threat'! And stop ripping off L. Frank Baum!" Asmewdeus growled.
With their dialogue back to normal, the Freedom Brigade thanked their diminutive morally ambiguous demonic overlord small feline adversary:
"Thank you for your help, Asmewdeus. As ever, we're grateful. But what's with -Waylon's prefixes???"
"He got demoted and kicked out of Hell and isn't entitled to be a Beelze- anyhow. I'm sorry I was so long getting here, but when I spotted the deliberately convoluted plot with no real sense of cohesion and continuity, I suspected that the perpetrator was someone spectacularly incompetent and stupid. And then I realised it could only be one being... incidentally, he's now known as Spootwaylon."
"Will this be the last we see of him?"
"The Satanic Hierarchy has had quite enough of him Debasing Our Stock Market Value on the Inferno 500 by his lame antics and total lack of any menace or talent whatsoever. He's no longer entitled to call himself a demon, even. He's been sacked from the entire category of Devils or Any Allied Concept now, so that should put a stop to him."
But as the Ornately Behorned Demonic Small Kitten Emissary of Moral Ambiguity fizzled away into nothing, a pock marked bunny rabbit muttered: "YUSS WHUT curse you Hell and the Freedom Brigade! Even if I am forced to masquerade as a pock marked bunny rabbit with missing hunks of fur, I wull avenge myself! You haven't heard the last of Spootwaylon, the Evil Bunny Rabbit Avatar of Evil!!!"
Asmewdeus' disembodied voice chided: "Honestly. No punctuation, and the redundancy in that last phrase of the sentence? Of course you're an evil something something avatar of that property, you lame excuse for an even mildly threatening series villain..."
THE END: 12.20 PM: MARCH 4, 2024