Post by redsycorax on Mar 11, 2024 23:38:33 GMT
Yes, Earth-12/55 has vampires, what else did you expect? Unfortunately, they got turned without much attention to their suitability for their future incarnations and one of the consequences was Draculene.
No, she's not in the lineage of that Earth's Vlad Tepes, she's a freeloader trying to cash in on his reputation and she doesn't display one iota of the Count's taste or good breeding. Content Warning: Numerous analogues of characters from sixties rural US television comedy shows die in the course of this episode.
++
HOOPERVILLE:
"Oh, come in, come in-awp!!! Miss, we don't take kindly to ladies in two piece bikinis, capes and eyeshadow in these here parts, primarily due to the lack of a sea coast...say, lady, those are mighty large teeth." And then there was a rustling cape, a strangled cry and Sandy Ukker lay prostrate on the floor with two teeth marks in his neck, his arms eternally frozen in trying to ward off the onslaught of the undead creature who attacked him. The creature in question wiped her bloody mouth on a tarp and belched. She applied more hairspray to her already gigantic coiffure and then there was a swish of her cape and she was gone from the scene.
PARASOL JUNCTION:
The gigantically haired female predator closed on the recumbent, sleeping form of an elderly man in his rocking chair. He jerked partially awake:
"Izzat you, Bella Jo, Belinda Jo or Becky Jo?"
"No, Joe Carthorse. You've outlived the rest of your family, which took some planning, considering there were so many of them. Your time has come!"
"Shucks, why are people always criticisin' the amount of time I take to do something? I'm a Global War A veteran- hey, wait a minute. Your last name doesn't end in J-"
But with a swirl of her black cape, Uncle Joe Carthorse was left face down in a hole where he'd fallen after being drained of his blood.
The tackily dressed female vampire flapped and flew in an erratic manner, due to the amount of Kentucky moonshine whiskey in her digestive system from the last human she'd dined on. It meant she collided with several mountains en route to her destination and lost her way several times beforehand.
GURN ACRES:
"Eddie darlink, why are you bleeding all ofa the sofa- ah!!! Who are you, you vile creature? Hey, vait a minute, I'm Hungarian, zo I shoult know zat. Ach! You are from Transylvania! A wampire! Vot haff you done to my husband? Oh no! He iss dead! Dead!! Oh, vot shall I do now?"
"Ah beg yure pardon. Ah am not a furreigner. I is a red blooded American vampire! Mah name is Draculene! Ah have feasted on yure husband and yew are next, missy!"
"No! No! Leaf me alone!" Taking one of her husband's old university text books, Zsazsaria threw it at Draculene, who screamed:
"Ahhhhh!!! Higher education!!! It burns, it burns!!!"
"Vot? But aren't you supposed to do that vith religious zymbols instead?"
"Ah may be a vampire, but I'm a Suthin vampire!" In desperation, Zsazsaria grabbed the nearest handy volume. Unfortunately, that turned out to be a mistake.
"The power of Ayn Rand compells you!"
Draculene grinned:
"Wah, honey child, she's on the same sahd as me!" And then there was the rustle and billow of a cape, a long drawn out scream and when the lights came on again, Zsazsaria Alblot was posed in her chair, her face frozen in an expression of relief, because at last she was out of this low rent rural town.
BLUBBERY HILLS:
"Where are yew? Ged? Ellimaynot? Gruntro? Mr Drayhorse? Miz Joan? Ahm ah the only one left?"
"Yais, Granny Crampjoint and ah'm gonna have yew for dinner."
"Wah didn't yew tell me? I'd a fixin up some boiled racoon or possum meat ifn ah knew you was coming."
"Yew cannot entice me with delicacies lakh that, Granny. Once upon a tahm, yais. But naoh ah feast on human beans."
"Wah, you must be near ais old as me, vampah lady. Certainly you're older than folks usually get marrid back in Kentucky, like fourteen."
"Wail, Granny, it's bean fun but now ah must bring yure life to a close. An then help mahself to those vittles you done prepared. No sense in it all goin to waste now..."
Draculene descended on the wailing old woman, who at least died reasonably happy knowing that this godawful predator woman creature that done kilt her respected and admired good backwoods vittles.
MUSIC INTERLUDE:
With bouffant hair right up to there
and sharpened fangs
She just don't care
She's a serious predator
is Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
I'm begging of you
Please don't drain my town!
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Please don't slaughter them
just because you're ravenous!
Your horror cannot be reversed
with all that congealed well-sprayed hair
with corpse white skin and blood red eyes
You hunt down everyone in sight
You're ruthless
And a public danger
Draculene
They scream because of you in their sleep
And because they're gonna end up in a pit so deep
Because you're a barracuda on legs, Draculene
And frankly, this song is startin to sound
like I want to flee from you and this town
Because you're a hellspawn vampire, Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Please don't slaughter them
Just because you can
You probably have your choice of prey
I just hope I can survive the day
You're a bloodthirsty killing machine, Draculene
With cross and stake I do tread
To rescue my town from the undead
And to plunge a stake through your dead heart
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Please refrain from feeding on my town
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Please don't slaughter them just because you can...
PARADOXICALLY LOCATED CASTLE IN MIDDLE OF TRANSYLVANIA, USA:
"Wait a minute," queried the Mighty HermAphrodite, "since when is there a medieval castle in the American midwest, given that Europeans didn't even arrive until the sixteenth century, and why do we suddenly have a state called Transylvania."
"Yeah, Bar-Bel and I always thought Transylvania was another galaxy altogether. We've had trouble with marauding ... Transsexuals... from there before. That's not the way it sounds. There's an actual planet called Transsexual there. Although its inhabitants aren't transgendered. Say, do any of you know how to Madison?"
"I don't like this. Not even the peculiar parodiversal laws that guide our universe could possibly think this particular scenario was something even proximating probability."
"Here comes Draculene..." The vampire was steadily running in slow motion, her cape swirling around her and her bouffant towering over her gradually shifting body. Lady Liberty promptly threw her Libertiara at the oncoming revenant, only to find that Draculene's hair was so comprehensively caked with product that it stuck fast!'
Suddenly, Ms Might quaked: "Oh no! I'm under her mesmeric control!"
Captain Swift frowned: "That's weird. I'm not. Uh oh, Clint is too. Lightpower?"
"Nope. But Green Trashcan is, and so is Mr Might."
"Eye? Bat Woman? Lady Liberty? Princess Power? Mermaid?"
"Not us. Strictly speaking, I'm a giant floating oculoid and I have no gender. However, I'm beginning to see a pattern here." The Eye sagely responded.
"Why yes, it's a Narrative Cliche or Stereotype. Draculene's mesmeric powers must only work on straight men and lesbians!!!" Bat Woman said, stating the obvious.
"Save me, someone! She's not my type, not with all that hairspray!!" Ms Might desperately called as she was dragged closer to the grinning, razor toothed cavorting and ferocious Draculene.
"Down on your knees!" Draculene demanded, as Green Trashcan, Mr Might and Ms Might were forced to submit.
"Why is she dancing like that?"
"I think it's some sort of weird Transylvanian ritual." Lady Liberty replied
"It's astounding. Time is fleeting. Madness takes control." The Eye intoned stentorianly.
"Listen closely. Not for very much longer. I've worked out how to seize control." Bat Woman said brightly.
"Ha hah ha hah ha. Ha! Freedom Brigade, yew cannot hope to starp me! I weel command your heavahest hitters to lay waste to the world around me!"
"Well, that's sexist. Exactly what are Dana and Debbie, chopped liver?" Bat Woman angrily retorted.
"Oh, puh-leeze. Ah'm a suthin vampire, y'all. Yew expect me ta have mainstream values about women's equality?" Draculene pouted.
"Ah, but Vicky here's right, Draculene. You're actually a very strong protagonist, sister. Why, you've mesmerised several of the men here and rendered them powerless before your will! And Ms. Might too. Incidentally, why is that? If you're a Southern vampire, you can't believe in homosexuality. And Lena is a lady lover." Princess Power pointed out.
Draculene hissed: "Don't yew be throwin' logic and such at me! This is deconstruction and I'm a devout, clean living conservative vampah lady!!! I don't hold with all this fancy European literary criticism and philosophy. Oh shoot!"
And with that, she relinquished control of Ms. Might: "Phew, thanks, Dana. That's one I owe you. Hey, Drakky. Another question. If you're supposed to be a conservative vampire, why are you usurping men's 'natural' prerogatives to arrogantly lord it over women by taking the initiative?"
"That's what yew think, Lady Liberty! Whut abowt Sarah Palindrome, Phyllis Schrapnelly an' all those other conservative powerhouses?"
"It doesn't change the fact that you're a strong, assertive female character, sister. Do male vampires try to make you take the back coffin, given your prodigious abilities?" Princess Power contributed.
"Yeah, they- stop it! Stop pointing out that ah'm a victim of thoughtless patraharchial power trippin by mah menfolk! Daym it!" With a despairing cry, Draculene dissolved into a cloud of acrid cigar smoke and hurriedly made for the Maxon-Disson Line, where she would be safe amidst other suthin folk and not tantalised by new and seductive philosophies.
The straight male Brigadiers came out of their trance: "Phew, thanks, Debbie. Saved by occupational feminism!"
"Actually, I feel a little sorry for Draculene. She is unjustly forced to take a back seat by outdated prejudices. Perhaps one day, she will take her rightful place under the Moon." Bat Woman concluded that adventure.
[Yes, I know nothing's been done about the fact that Draculene killed all those analogues of sixties rural US sitcoms. I've just set her up as a recurring character for this series. Sneaky, huh?- Author]
THE END: [1.30 PM: MARCH 18, 2024]
No, she's not in the lineage of that Earth's Vlad Tepes, she's a freeloader trying to cash in on his reputation and she doesn't display one iota of the Count's taste or good breeding. Content Warning: Numerous analogues of characters from sixties rural US television comedy shows die in the course of this episode.
++
HOOPERVILLE:
"Oh, come in, come in-awp!!! Miss, we don't take kindly to ladies in two piece bikinis, capes and eyeshadow in these here parts, primarily due to the lack of a sea coast...say, lady, those are mighty large teeth." And then there was a rustling cape, a strangled cry and Sandy Ukker lay prostrate on the floor with two teeth marks in his neck, his arms eternally frozen in trying to ward off the onslaught of the undead creature who attacked him. The creature in question wiped her bloody mouth on a tarp and belched. She applied more hairspray to her already gigantic coiffure and then there was a swish of her cape and she was gone from the scene.
PARASOL JUNCTION:
The gigantically haired female predator closed on the recumbent, sleeping form of an elderly man in his rocking chair. He jerked partially awake:
"Izzat you, Bella Jo, Belinda Jo or Becky Jo?"
"No, Joe Carthorse. You've outlived the rest of your family, which took some planning, considering there were so many of them. Your time has come!"
"Shucks, why are people always criticisin' the amount of time I take to do something? I'm a Global War A veteran- hey, wait a minute. Your last name doesn't end in J-"
But with a swirl of her black cape, Uncle Joe Carthorse was left face down in a hole where he'd fallen after being drained of his blood.
The tackily dressed female vampire flapped and flew in an erratic manner, due to the amount of Kentucky moonshine whiskey in her digestive system from the last human she'd dined on. It meant she collided with several mountains en route to her destination and lost her way several times beforehand.
GURN ACRES:
"Eddie darlink, why are you bleeding all ofa the sofa- ah!!! Who are you, you vile creature? Hey, vait a minute, I'm Hungarian, zo I shoult know zat. Ach! You are from Transylvania! A wampire! Vot haff you done to my husband? Oh no! He iss dead! Dead!! Oh, vot shall I do now?"
"Ah beg yure pardon. Ah am not a furreigner. I is a red blooded American vampire! Mah name is Draculene! Ah have feasted on yure husband and yew are next, missy!"
"No! No! Leaf me alone!" Taking one of her husband's old university text books, Zsazsaria threw it at Draculene, who screamed:
"Ahhhhh!!! Higher education!!! It burns, it burns!!!"
"Vot? But aren't you supposed to do that vith religious zymbols instead?"
"Ah may be a vampire, but I'm a Suthin vampire!" In desperation, Zsazsaria grabbed the nearest handy volume. Unfortunately, that turned out to be a mistake.
"The power of Ayn Rand compells you!"
Draculene grinned:
"Wah, honey child, she's on the same sahd as me!" And then there was the rustle and billow of a cape, a long drawn out scream and when the lights came on again, Zsazsaria Alblot was posed in her chair, her face frozen in an expression of relief, because at last she was out of this low rent rural town.
BLUBBERY HILLS:
"Where are yew? Ged? Ellimaynot? Gruntro? Mr Drayhorse? Miz Joan? Ahm ah the only one left?"
"Yais, Granny Crampjoint and ah'm gonna have yew for dinner."
"Wah didn't yew tell me? I'd a fixin up some boiled racoon or possum meat ifn ah knew you was coming."
"Yew cannot entice me with delicacies lakh that, Granny. Once upon a tahm, yais. But naoh ah feast on human beans."
"Wah, you must be near ais old as me, vampah lady. Certainly you're older than folks usually get marrid back in Kentucky, like fourteen."
"Wail, Granny, it's bean fun but now ah must bring yure life to a close. An then help mahself to those vittles you done prepared. No sense in it all goin to waste now..."
Draculene descended on the wailing old woman, who at least died reasonably happy knowing that this godawful predator woman creature that done kilt her respected and admired good backwoods vittles.
MUSIC INTERLUDE:
With bouffant hair right up to there
and sharpened fangs
She just don't care
She's a serious predator
is Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
I'm begging of you
Please don't drain my town!
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Please don't slaughter them
just because you're ravenous!
Your horror cannot be reversed
with all that congealed well-sprayed hair
with corpse white skin and blood red eyes
You hunt down everyone in sight
You're ruthless
And a public danger
Draculene
They scream because of you in their sleep
And because they're gonna end up in a pit so deep
Because you're a barracuda on legs, Draculene
And frankly, this song is startin to sound
like I want to flee from you and this town
Because you're a hellspawn vampire, Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Please don't slaughter them
Just because you can
You probably have your choice of prey
I just hope I can survive the day
You're a bloodthirsty killing machine, Draculene
With cross and stake I do tread
To rescue my town from the undead
And to plunge a stake through your dead heart
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Please refrain from feeding on my town
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Draculene
Please don't slaughter them just because you can...
PARADOXICALLY LOCATED CASTLE IN MIDDLE OF TRANSYLVANIA, USA:
"Wait a minute," queried the Mighty HermAphrodite, "since when is there a medieval castle in the American midwest, given that Europeans didn't even arrive until the sixteenth century, and why do we suddenly have a state called Transylvania."
"Yeah, Bar-Bel and I always thought Transylvania was another galaxy altogether. We've had trouble with marauding ... Transsexuals... from there before. That's not the way it sounds. There's an actual planet called Transsexual there. Although its inhabitants aren't transgendered. Say, do any of you know how to Madison?"
"I don't like this. Not even the peculiar parodiversal laws that guide our universe could possibly think this particular scenario was something even proximating probability."
"Here comes Draculene..." The vampire was steadily running in slow motion, her cape swirling around her and her bouffant towering over her gradually shifting body. Lady Liberty promptly threw her Libertiara at the oncoming revenant, only to find that Draculene's hair was so comprehensively caked with product that it stuck fast!'
Suddenly, Ms Might quaked: "Oh no! I'm under her mesmeric control!"
Captain Swift frowned: "That's weird. I'm not. Uh oh, Clint is too. Lightpower?"
"Nope. But Green Trashcan is, and so is Mr Might."
"Eye? Bat Woman? Lady Liberty? Princess Power? Mermaid?"
"Not us. Strictly speaking, I'm a giant floating oculoid and I have no gender. However, I'm beginning to see a pattern here." The Eye sagely responded.
"Why yes, it's a Narrative Cliche or Stereotype. Draculene's mesmeric powers must only work on straight men and lesbians!!!" Bat Woman said, stating the obvious.
"Save me, someone! She's not my type, not with all that hairspray!!" Ms Might desperately called as she was dragged closer to the grinning, razor toothed cavorting and ferocious Draculene.
"Down on your knees!" Draculene demanded, as Green Trashcan, Mr Might and Ms Might were forced to submit.
"Why is she dancing like that?"
"I think it's some sort of weird Transylvanian ritual." Lady Liberty replied
"It's astounding. Time is fleeting. Madness takes control." The Eye intoned stentorianly.
"Listen closely. Not for very much longer. I've worked out how to seize control." Bat Woman said brightly.
"Ha hah ha hah ha. Ha! Freedom Brigade, yew cannot hope to starp me! I weel command your heavahest hitters to lay waste to the world around me!"
"Well, that's sexist. Exactly what are Dana and Debbie, chopped liver?" Bat Woman angrily retorted.
"Oh, puh-leeze. Ah'm a suthin vampire, y'all. Yew expect me ta have mainstream values about women's equality?" Draculene pouted.
"Ah, but Vicky here's right, Draculene. You're actually a very strong protagonist, sister. Why, you've mesmerised several of the men here and rendered them powerless before your will! And Ms. Might too. Incidentally, why is that? If you're a Southern vampire, you can't believe in homosexuality. And Lena is a lady lover." Princess Power pointed out.
Draculene hissed: "Don't yew be throwin' logic and such at me! This is deconstruction and I'm a devout, clean living conservative vampah lady!!! I don't hold with all this fancy European literary criticism and philosophy. Oh shoot!"
And with that, she relinquished control of Ms. Might: "Phew, thanks, Dana. That's one I owe you. Hey, Drakky. Another question. If you're supposed to be a conservative vampire, why are you usurping men's 'natural' prerogatives to arrogantly lord it over women by taking the initiative?"
"That's what yew think, Lady Liberty! Whut abowt Sarah Palindrome, Phyllis Schrapnelly an' all those other conservative powerhouses?"
"It doesn't change the fact that you're a strong, assertive female character, sister. Do male vampires try to make you take the back coffin, given your prodigious abilities?" Princess Power contributed.
"Yeah, they- stop it! Stop pointing out that ah'm a victim of thoughtless patraharchial power trippin by mah menfolk! Daym it!" With a despairing cry, Draculene dissolved into a cloud of acrid cigar smoke and hurriedly made for the Maxon-Disson Line, where she would be safe amidst other suthin folk and not tantalised by new and seductive philosophies.
The straight male Brigadiers came out of their trance: "Phew, thanks, Debbie. Saved by occupational feminism!"
"Actually, I feel a little sorry for Draculene. She is unjustly forced to take a back seat by outdated prejudices. Perhaps one day, she will take her rightful place under the Moon." Bat Woman concluded that adventure.
[Yes, I know nothing's been done about the fact that Draculene killed all those analogues of sixties rural US sitcoms. I've just set her up as a recurring character for this series. Sneaky, huh?- Author]
THE END: [1.30 PM: MARCH 18, 2024]