Post by redsycorax on Apr 3, 2024 3:42:00 GMT
Prepare yourself for a mild annoyance. Yes, the Freedom Brigade and their offspring, the Existentially Alienated and Now Living On a Better Quality Alternate Earth Five, are not the only superheroes on their alternate Earth. I know, I find it inexplicable too, but for some reason, even lower rent derivative characters exist on Earth-12/55. One of them is Italy's Argoman and his mortal enemy, the modestly named but dressed in a metal bikini supervillainess Queen of the World. And so, without further excuse- I mean, ado...
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ROME, ITALY:
Swinging from city building to city building in a tight but not too badly designed outfit, even though he could fly, Argoman (secretly Sir William Vac-Hume, stately English aristocrat), set his chiseled jaw and waved at the cheering crowds below. Which wasn't too difficult, as they were only two or stories below him, given that Italy's capital didn't have any skyscrapers yet, even though it was the sixties and they should have. But suddenly, wearing her trademark metal battle bikini, strode his arch enemy, the Queen of the World. At the sight of the supervillainess and the outsize hyperblasterbeam raycannon she was carrying, Argoman remembered he could fly and alighted next to the arrogant but extremely beautiful woman:
"So, Argoman, we meet again!"
"Queen of the World, we only fought yesterday."
"Look, given the budget of this adventure, do you honestly think we can afford trifles like a proper script and plot continuity? Argoman! I have come to devastate this planet, kill all the women and carry off the men to bondage and servitude!! You shall pant and gasp under the impossibly high heels of Blastocystia, Queen of the World!!! Hahahaha haha ha! Ha!"
"Queen of the World, you do realise that you pull this schtick every time we face each other, namely the last fifteen movies in this franchise? Aren't you ever going to learn that your kind never wins?"
"Are you implying that I have formulaic, repetitious dialogue? Well, look at you, buster. You've been wearing the same outfit for the last twenty five years and I suspect that chiseled jaw has had more cosmetic surgery than I've had hot dinners."
"Oh, and those...interesting... modifications to your metal bikini aren't there to conceal your surgical history, sister?"
"You know perfectly well why I wear this metal bikini. It's to attract adolescent boys and their unhappily married dads into watching this crap. Since you became ironic and camp, you've been absolutely insufferable with all those interminable fan ac volumes written about you by pretentious Italian and French philosophers."
"Oh, and not to rip off a certain French science fiction action heroine who also wears a metal bikini but at least has a moral compass?"
"What would you know about that, Argo? You're as pink as a peacock!"
"Not again! Will you never stop repeating those cliches from Wilhelm Slughammerers Suspension of the Intellect? It's over seventy years old and ... you've even suggestively altered the title to raise inapplicable suspicions in the viewer's minds! Right, I'll fix that..."
Freedom Brigade Vs the Strange, Fetishistic and Hyperbolic Queen of the World.
At which point, given who this series is supposed to frontline, the Eye, Bat Woman, Mr Might and Green Trashcan materialised on a Roman street alongside them.
"It's okay, Argoman. We're here to take Queen of the World into custody." Bat Woman assuringly replied.
"Excuse me, your crime-fighting is limited to countries with which you have an extradition treaty. And at the moment, Italy isn't in that category."
"All right, which one of you said that? Please preface your sentences with an identifying phrase." The Eye stentorianly intoned.
"Bat Woman, I've abruptly changed my canonical heterosexuality. Run away with me to my home planet Feministia!!! I'm a gorgeous supervillainess, you're a stylishly dressed superheroine. And I can't stand this bozo any longer, even if I've been lusting after him for the last fifteen instalments of this franchise."
"Queen of the World, stop trying to introduce inappropriate adult references into this series. It's far too early for grim and gritty. And moreover, this series is supposed to be about me, Argoman! Not you. You're the supporting character."
"Er, can I point out that the Queen of the World hasn't actually done anything supervillainessous to warrant her description in this context?" Mr Might interjected.
"Butt out, Americanski! I shall now fight you for no real reason or motivation whatsoever, although we hardly know each other." And with that, Argoman soared into battle, as Mr Might broke off, flew after him and reluctantly started to battle the Masked Man of Stainless Steel and Guardian of Italy.
This left Bat Woman, the Eye and Green Trashcan below to deal with the Queen of the World.
"I will zap you all with my hyperlasercannonblaster!!!" The Queen of the World opened fire, but was betrayed by a badly miscued matte effect, which meant the blue outlines of the three Freedom Brigadiers fell to the ground unconscious, but not the heroes themselves. At that point, a strangely retro alien spacecraft complete with fins and badly synchronised firecracker effects from its engines appeared above them, with strings attached. The Queen of the World laughed evilly:
"Hahaha haha ha!!! Ha!! Witness my mighty spacecraft Oestrogen Flash! With it, I shall pulverise this city to ashes!!"
"How, by bumping into model buildings and making them fall over?" Green Trashcan asked.
"You think I cannot do this just because I'm a woman?!" The Queen of the World responded arrogantly.
"Where's Dana and her appeals to feminist solidarity and female prowess and unjust neglect when you really need her?" The Eye said in response to the cliche.
"Oh, all right. Queen of the World, sister? Personally, I think it's terribly, terribly unjust you get second billing when it's your more complex narrative that obviously carries this series."
"Are you trying to appeal to me across the morality barrier?"
"Not in the sense that previously appeared several paragraphs above- I'm happily married to Buck Warlock of Peculiar Place. However, think about it. If you reformed, you could have your own series as a cosmic metaheroine in a space opera of your own. That's a much more lucrative proposition than a somewhat sad Italian superhero rip-off franchise."
"Your... seductive reference to the royalties and merchandise opportunities are tantalising, Bat Woman. All right, darn it. I shall promptly reform and become an icon of virtue and liberty for all!"
At which point, Argoman plummeted down and started to dissolve into nothingness:
"What's happening to me?! I'm melting! I'm melting! Me and my splendid heroicalness!!"
"I knew Argoman was a threadbare, insubstantial narrative, but that poorly plotted?" Queen of the World mused.
"Well, yes, apparently. His sole reason for existence was conflict with Queen of the World over her aspiration for world domination. When she agreed to reform, his whole raison d'etre dissipated into nothing. And now, so is he."
"Mother of Mania! Is this the end of Argoman?" And with that final whisper, the Man of Stainless Steel and Guardian of Italy vanished altogether.
"I can't believe it! I'm free from this hackneyed series altogether and all it took was this! Thank you, Freedom Brigade! I shall never forget you. Farewell, although we may have crossovers at some point, knowing how devious this Author is." And with that, the Oestrogen Flash turned and fizzled into the skies above, as Queen of the World looked forward to her new life and career on a far larger production budget. Although unfortunately, the Freedom Brigadiers had to deal with engine damage to the cardboard buildings as it did do.
THE END [4.41 PM, APRIL 3RD, 2024]
+++
ROME, ITALY:
Swinging from city building to city building in a tight but not too badly designed outfit, even though he could fly, Argoman (secretly Sir William Vac-Hume, stately English aristocrat), set his chiseled jaw and waved at the cheering crowds below. Which wasn't too difficult, as they were only two or stories below him, given that Italy's capital didn't have any skyscrapers yet, even though it was the sixties and they should have. But suddenly, wearing her trademark metal battle bikini, strode his arch enemy, the Queen of the World. At the sight of the supervillainess and the outsize hyperblasterbeam raycannon she was carrying, Argoman remembered he could fly and alighted next to the arrogant but extremely beautiful woman:
"So, Argoman, we meet again!"
"Queen of the World, we only fought yesterday."
"Look, given the budget of this adventure, do you honestly think we can afford trifles like a proper script and plot continuity? Argoman! I have come to devastate this planet, kill all the women and carry off the men to bondage and servitude!! You shall pant and gasp under the impossibly high heels of Blastocystia, Queen of the World!!! Hahahaha haha ha! Ha!"
"Queen of the World, you do realise that you pull this schtick every time we face each other, namely the last fifteen movies in this franchise? Aren't you ever going to learn that your kind never wins?"
"Are you implying that I have formulaic, repetitious dialogue? Well, look at you, buster. You've been wearing the same outfit for the last twenty five years and I suspect that chiseled jaw has had more cosmetic surgery than I've had hot dinners."
"Oh, and those...interesting... modifications to your metal bikini aren't there to conceal your surgical history, sister?"
"You know perfectly well why I wear this metal bikini. It's to attract adolescent boys and their unhappily married dads into watching this crap. Since you became ironic and camp, you've been absolutely insufferable with all those interminable fan ac volumes written about you by pretentious Italian and French philosophers."
"Oh, and not to rip off a certain French science fiction action heroine who also wears a metal bikini but at least has a moral compass?"
"What would you know about that, Argo? You're as pink as a peacock!"
"Not again! Will you never stop repeating those cliches from Wilhelm Slughammerers Suspension of the Intellect? It's over seventy years old and ... you've even suggestively altered the title to raise inapplicable suspicions in the viewer's minds! Right, I'll fix that..."
Freedom Brigade Vs the Strange, Fetishistic and Hyperbolic Queen of the World.
At which point, given who this series is supposed to frontline, the Eye, Bat Woman, Mr Might and Green Trashcan materialised on a Roman street alongside them.
"It's okay, Argoman. We're here to take Queen of the World into custody." Bat Woman assuringly replied.
"Excuse me, your crime-fighting is limited to countries with which you have an extradition treaty. And at the moment, Italy isn't in that category."
"All right, which one of you said that? Please preface your sentences with an identifying phrase." The Eye stentorianly intoned.
"Bat Woman, I've abruptly changed my canonical heterosexuality. Run away with me to my home planet Feministia!!! I'm a gorgeous supervillainess, you're a stylishly dressed superheroine. And I can't stand this bozo any longer, even if I've been lusting after him for the last fifteen instalments of this franchise."
"Queen of the World, stop trying to introduce inappropriate adult references into this series. It's far too early for grim and gritty. And moreover, this series is supposed to be about me, Argoman! Not you. You're the supporting character."
"Er, can I point out that the Queen of the World hasn't actually done anything supervillainessous to warrant her description in this context?" Mr Might interjected.
"Butt out, Americanski! I shall now fight you for no real reason or motivation whatsoever, although we hardly know each other." And with that, Argoman soared into battle, as Mr Might broke off, flew after him and reluctantly started to battle the Masked Man of Stainless Steel and Guardian of Italy.
This left Bat Woman, the Eye and Green Trashcan below to deal with the Queen of the World.
"I will zap you all with my hyperlasercannonblaster!!!" The Queen of the World opened fire, but was betrayed by a badly miscued matte effect, which meant the blue outlines of the three Freedom Brigadiers fell to the ground unconscious, but not the heroes themselves. At that point, a strangely retro alien spacecraft complete with fins and badly synchronised firecracker effects from its engines appeared above them, with strings attached. The Queen of the World laughed evilly:
"Hahaha haha ha!!! Ha!! Witness my mighty spacecraft Oestrogen Flash! With it, I shall pulverise this city to ashes!!"
"How, by bumping into model buildings and making them fall over?" Green Trashcan asked.
"You think I cannot do this just because I'm a woman?!" The Queen of the World responded arrogantly.
"Where's Dana and her appeals to feminist solidarity and female prowess and unjust neglect when you really need her?" The Eye said in response to the cliche.
"Oh, all right. Queen of the World, sister? Personally, I think it's terribly, terribly unjust you get second billing when it's your more complex narrative that obviously carries this series."
"Are you trying to appeal to me across the morality barrier?"
"Not in the sense that previously appeared several paragraphs above- I'm happily married to Buck Warlock of Peculiar Place. However, think about it. If you reformed, you could have your own series as a cosmic metaheroine in a space opera of your own. That's a much more lucrative proposition than a somewhat sad Italian superhero rip-off franchise."
"Your... seductive reference to the royalties and merchandise opportunities are tantalising, Bat Woman. All right, darn it. I shall promptly reform and become an icon of virtue and liberty for all!"
At which point, Argoman plummeted down and started to dissolve into nothingness:
"What's happening to me?! I'm melting! I'm melting! Me and my splendid heroicalness!!"
"I knew Argoman was a threadbare, insubstantial narrative, but that poorly plotted?" Queen of the World mused.
"Well, yes, apparently. His sole reason for existence was conflict with Queen of the World over her aspiration for world domination. When she agreed to reform, his whole raison d'etre dissipated into nothing. And now, so is he."
"Mother of Mania! Is this the end of Argoman?" And with that final whisper, the Man of Stainless Steel and Guardian of Italy vanished altogether.
"I can't believe it! I'm free from this hackneyed series altogether and all it took was this! Thank you, Freedom Brigade! I shall never forget you. Farewell, although we may have crossovers at some point, knowing how devious this Author is." And with that, the Oestrogen Flash turned and fizzled into the skies above, as Queen of the World looked forward to her new life and career on a far larger production budget. Although unfortunately, the Freedom Brigadiers had to deal with engine damage to the cardboard buildings as it did do.
THE END [4.41 PM, APRIL 3RD, 2024]
