Post by redsycorax on Apr 18, 2024 23:25:01 GMT
Yes, it is once more time to return to Earth-55, the world inhabited by the fragilidocious Freedom Brigade, that groovy happening legion of super-powered lassies and laddies CUT Get out of this introductory narrative sequence, Bad Stan Lee Parody SCHPLOT sorry, where were we? Ah yes, well, the Freedom Brigade discover something nefarious lurking in their Earth's stratosphere in this enervating tale of... zaniness in the upper atmosphere!!! Who is responsible, and can they foil the dastardly machinations in time?
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STRATOSPHERE:
In the stratosphere, that area of the Earth's atmosphere that lies above the troposphere where most of the Earth's life exists, a large Exmass tree ornament dangled ominously, insofar as something can "dangle" in a threatening manner. Look, I'm not to blame for the budget cuts in this episode. Can I help it if the Author is trying to get cheap laughs through financial shenanigans that would gladden the unbeating heart of a supply-side economist if they still had them? Strange noises could be heard emanating from inside the sphere as it just hung there, innocuously. Were these indications that it was actually something more than a ridiculously and unconvincingly misplaced seasonal tree accoutrement? Well, yes, all right. It was.
Inside the vessel, several humanoid features stomped around dressed incongruously in chain mail armour, amidst strangely outdated computer and laboratory equipment. An animated face on a computer intoned the following: "Second atmosphere layer, stratosphere. Height, seven to nine miles. Commercial airliners, thunderstorm turbulence, weather balloons, bacteria, Mount Everest summit. Oh, hello, Mr Smerck."
A pointy eared creature furrowed its eyebrows and looked down sternly at the ship's computer:
"Silence, Voople. No-one asked for your atmospheric composition readout or those surplus theremin sound effects. Least of all that ghastly bloated red hued starship captain whom I'm trying to desperately elude."
"If it's any help, Mr Smerck, my sensors do not detect abnormally high concentrations of ham, distended. Sentence. Structure. Or engorged red humanoid figures in the spatiotemporal vicinity."
"Look, for the last time, you malfunctioning metal maverick, will you shut up before you register on Earth human sound sensors?"
But it was too late. Soaring high above the troposphere, having just diverted a storm from the US eastern seaboard, Mr Might and the Eye had just sighed the IDO (Inexplicable Dangling Object). The Eye looked it over:
"Oh. It has hastily applied exhaust funnels and I gather we're not supposed to see the catgut that is actually holding it in place. Also, I'm not sure why those humanoid creatures are wearing atavistic medieval human chain mail armour for no good reason. Perhaps they're trying to make some sort of aesthetic or sartorial statement, or perhaps it's someone's idea of how low budget aliens supposedly look on a zero budget."
"Trouble, Eye. They're scanning us back. Do you think they're up to no good?"
"I imagine so. That's why they've just thrown firecrackers at us from the vehicle's exterior from the windows they've just opened. I cannot believe I just said that. Someone really, really skimped on the scientific advice consultant pay for this episode, Clint. Wow, no decompression due to atmosphere altitude, and enough air density to ignite firecrackers. All right. Who's on duty up in the satellite..?"
And thus, in short order, Princess Power, Bat Woman, Green Trashcan and the Mighty HermAphrodite had all teleported down to join them:
"Bat Woman? Any ideas?"
"For some peculiar reason, there are pictures of Mars hanging on their cabin walls. How cliched. Although the atmosphere, gravity and environment are exactly the same as Earth. And they have whirring children's toy ray guns holstered at their sides. I therefore conclude that these are supposed to be invaders from Mars, however ridiculously inappropriate and scientifically implausible that is, given that the planet has a sparse atmosphere, low temperatures and no amino acids present that would suggest it. Despite the fact that they're entirely male, they want to invade Earth, by the looks of the holographic image that the Eye is relaying to us."
"What's their plan?"
"It's a bad one, due to the fact that they've had to steal human plans on how to construct a helium bomb. They seem to want to explode them on arbitrary places on the surface of the Earth so our planet will change places with Mars. Oh no! That figure is Metroville scientific expert Dr. Androcles Lionfrightener. H-he's working with the enemy! He's betraying the Earth for no plausible reason, except for the fact that people snicker at his awful impersonation of generic Eastern European physicists and their cavalier approach to English sentence structures."
IDO:
"Ach der limburger, mein Kapitan! We hass der heliumb bombs in our graspes und zoon ve vill be able to explode zem, zending der Earth careening avay and substituting it viff Marss."
"Yes, I know, a feat of mass butchery, comparable to what you're doing in that mangled Central European accent to the English language at the moment, Doctor Lionfrightener. So, tell me, what motivates your hatred for your home planet?"
"Ach. I might as vell unmask. Vor I am aktually..."
STRATOSPHERE:
"Gasp! Double Cross Dictator of Lower Slobovia Adenoid Hynkel, who started Global War B!!!" Princess Power exclaimed.
"But it's eighty years later! How can he still be alive after all this time? Unless..." The Mighty HermAphrodite looked at Bat Woman, who nodded sagely:
"Yes, Butch and Toni, it's exactly as I feared. Adenoid Hynkel is either a clone or a zombie. Eye, there aren't any signs he's a ravening anthropophage, are there?"
"No, but that touchbrush moustache of his has widened copiously over his upper lip and he's wearing a very tight tank top."
"Not that sort of clone! I mean the variety that are manufactured from pluripotent human stem cells."
"Oh, sorry. Hmm, yes, that undoubtedly isn't the original Adenoid Hynkel." The Eye responded.
"But Adenoid Hynkel wasn't a megalomaniac who wanted to destroy the world, he just wanted to terrorise Europe and march around in kitsch military outfits while persecuting mimes and morris dancers and wanting to ban Charlie Chaplin movies because he didn't have a sense of humour when the Little Tramp made that satirical biopic of him." The Mighty HermAphrodite commented.
"As well as engaging in boring, lame plots against our Gilded Age predecessors, Freedom Force, but basically yes. He's probably overcompensating for something. All right, Freedom Brigadiers, it's time we burst in there and ended this convoluted plot line before it gets any more unconvincing..."
IDO:
Mr Smerch raised a phlegmatic eyebrow as the Freedom Brigade tore their way into the alien space vessel. He fired his generic ray gun at them, but the Mighty HermAphrodite thrust their way into the vanguard and slammed the Martian's blaster hand against the wall: "Ouch!"
"Wait a minute. You look like Mr Smerch from Wagon Train to the Stars."
"Yes, I admit it. I got tired of that scarlet baboon Captain Pork hogging all the limelight, so I took advantage of a moment when he was having a vanity attack, slipped back through the Gladioli of Forever and A Day and here I am, in the twenty first century. But then I couldn't find a proper scientifically accurate media property, so I was stuck with this one. I'm having an awful Prune Fa'ars attack and I'm badly out of character. I had no idea that Androcles Lionfrightener was actually Adenoid Hynkel. Oh, it's just too too awful!"
"Ach! It ist Der Freedom Brigadooners! I hath no idea zat you ver in zis time period! But you von't catch me alife!"
"Just a minute, what's that trademark? Oh. Oh, Adenoid II, I'm so sorry. It looks like the revenge of the ravening budget constraint has gone and bitten you in the Heinrich. You see, you were cloned by Rae-Ellen's Cell and Clones tm and they're a notorious cheapskate ripoff outfit. Any moment now, your cell quality will start to degrade, and..." Abruptly, Adenoid II began to metamorphose into a bowl of petunias. Unable to face the grim reality that he would spend the rest of his existence as a floral arrangement, he leapt toward a defoliant canister. Instants later, he lay, wilted on the floor.
Mr and Ms Might returned from their special secret mission:
"Okay, everyone. We've disarmed the helium bombs on both Earth and Mars."
"But what are we going to do about Smerch? It would be inhumane and unethical to return him to the 23rd Century, given he'd be suffocated to death by the immense tonnage and nauseating overacting of Tim.K. Pork." Princess Power commented.
"Can I join your Freedom Brigade instead? Look, I'm sorry about what happened beforehand, but I was having one of my seven yearly Prune Fa'ars attacks. They cause terrible character miswriting."
"No, but what say you end up supervising our multiversal Academy of Humourous? We've got students from everywhere that's even vaguely comedic, and they need someone to oversee and mentor them" Bat Woman suggested.
"Why does this sound like a horizontal ripoff of the multiversal magic academy elsewhere on this website?" The Eye ruminated.
"Shh. You know how this Author gets when he's ragged by his characters about scripting standards..." The Mighty HermAphrodite cautioned.
And so, the Freedom Brigade returned to base, having once more saved the world from those who would wish it mild annoyance and nuisance.
THE END [3.00 PM, APRIL 20, 2024]
++
STRATOSPHERE:
In the stratosphere, that area of the Earth's atmosphere that lies above the troposphere where most of the Earth's life exists, a large Exmass tree ornament dangled ominously, insofar as something can "dangle" in a threatening manner. Look, I'm not to blame for the budget cuts in this episode. Can I help it if the Author is trying to get cheap laughs through financial shenanigans that would gladden the unbeating heart of a supply-side economist if they still had them? Strange noises could be heard emanating from inside the sphere as it just hung there, innocuously. Were these indications that it was actually something more than a ridiculously and unconvincingly misplaced seasonal tree accoutrement? Well, yes, all right. It was.
Inside the vessel, several humanoid features stomped around dressed incongruously in chain mail armour, amidst strangely outdated computer and laboratory equipment. An animated face on a computer intoned the following: "Second atmosphere layer, stratosphere. Height, seven to nine miles. Commercial airliners, thunderstorm turbulence, weather balloons, bacteria, Mount Everest summit. Oh, hello, Mr Smerck."
A pointy eared creature furrowed its eyebrows and looked down sternly at the ship's computer:
"Silence, Voople. No-one asked for your atmospheric composition readout or those surplus theremin sound effects. Least of all that ghastly bloated red hued starship captain whom I'm trying to desperately elude."
"If it's any help, Mr Smerck, my sensors do not detect abnormally high concentrations of ham, distended. Sentence. Structure. Or engorged red humanoid figures in the spatiotemporal vicinity."
"Look, for the last time, you malfunctioning metal maverick, will you shut up before you register on Earth human sound sensors?"
But it was too late. Soaring high above the troposphere, having just diverted a storm from the US eastern seaboard, Mr Might and the Eye had just sighed the IDO (Inexplicable Dangling Object). The Eye looked it over:
"Oh. It has hastily applied exhaust funnels and I gather we're not supposed to see the catgut that is actually holding it in place. Also, I'm not sure why those humanoid creatures are wearing atavistic medieval human chain mail armour for no good reason. Perhaps they're trying to make some sort of aesthetic or sartorial statement, or perhaps it's someone's idea of how low budget aliens supposedly look on a zero budget."
"Trouble, Eye. They're scanning us back. Do you think they're up to no good?"
"I imagine so. That's why they've just thrown firecrackers at us from the vehicle's exterior from the windows they've just opened. I cannot believe I just said that. Someone really, really skimped on the scientific advice consultant pay for this episode, Clint. Wow, no decompression due to atmosphere altitude, and enough air density to ignite firecrackers. All right. Who's on duty up in the satellite..?"
And thus, in short order, Princess Power, Bat Woman, Green Trashcan and the Mighty HermAphrodite had all teleported down to join them:
"Bat Woman? Any ideas?"
"For some peculiar reason, there are pictures of Mars hanging on their cabin walls. How cliched. Although the atmosphere, gravity and environment are exactly the same as Earth. And they have whirring children's toy ray guns holstered at their sides. I therefore conclude that these are supposed to be invaders from Mars, however ridiculously inappropriate and scientifically implausible that is, given that the planet has a sparse atmosphere, low temperatures and no amino acids present that would suggest it. Despite the fact that they're entirely male, they want to invade Earth, by the looks of the holographic image that the Eye is relaying to us."
"What's their plan?"
"It's a bad one, due to the fact that they've had to steal human plans on how to construct a helium bomb. They seem to want to explode them on arbitrary places on the surface of the Earth so our planet will change places with Mars. Oh no! That figure is Metroville scientific expert Dr. Androcles Lionfrightener. H-he's working with the enemy! He's betraying the Earth for no plausible reason, except for the fact that people snicker at his awful impersonation of generic Eastern European physicists and their cavalier approach to English sentence structures."
IDO:
"Ach der limburger, mein Kapitan! We hass der heliumb bombs in our graspes und zoon ve vill be able to explode zem, zending der Earth careening avay and substituting it viff Marss."
"Yes, I know, a feat of mass butchery, comparable to what you're doing in that mangled Central European accent to the English language at the moment, Doctor Lionfrightener. So, tell me, what motivates your hatred for your home planet?"
"Ach. I might as vell unmask. Vor I am aktually..."
STRATOSPHERE:
"Gasp! Double Cross Dictator of Lower Slobovia Adenoid Hynkel, who started Global War B!!!" Princess Power exclaimed.
"But it's eighty years later! How can he still be alive after all this time? Unless..." The Mighty HermAphrodite looked at Bat Woman, who nodded sagely:
"Yes, Butch and Toni, it's exactly as I feared. Adenoid Hynkel is either a clone or a zombie. Eye, there aren't any signs he's a ravening anthropophage, are there?"
"No, but that touchbrush moustache of his has widened copiously over his upper lip and he's wearing a very tight tank top."
"Not that sort of clone! I mean the variety that are manufactured from pluripotent human stem cells."
"Oh, sorry. Hmm, yes, that undoubtedly isn't the original Adenoid Hynkel." The Eye responded.
"But Adenoid Hynkel wasn't a megalomaniac who wanted to destroy the world, he just wanted to terrorise Europe and march around in kitsch military outfits while persecuting mimes and morris dancers and wanting to ban Charlie Chaplin movies because he didn't have a sense of humour when the Little Tramp made that satirical biopic of him." The Mighty HermAphrodite commented.
"As well as engaging in boring, lame plots against our Gilded Age predecessors, Freedom Force, but basically yes. He's probably overcompensating for something. All right, Freedom Brigadiers, it's time we burst in there and ended this convoluted plot line before it gets any more unconvincing..."
IDO:
Mr Smerch raised a phlegmatic eyebrow as the Freedom Brigade tore their way into the alien space vessel. He fired his generic ray gun at them, but the Mighty HermAphrodite thrust their way into the vanguard and slammed the Martian's blaster hand against the wall: "Ouch!"
"Wait a minute. You look like Mr Smerch from Wagon Train to the Stars."
"Yes, I admit it. I got tired of that scarlet baboon Captain Pork hogging all the limelight, so I took advantage of a moment when he was having a vanity attack, slipped back through the Gladioli of Forever and A Day and here I am, in the twenty first century. But then I couldn't find a proper scientifically accurate media property, so I was stuck with this one. I'm having an awful Prune Fa'ars attack and I'm badly out of character. I had no idea that Androcles Lionfrightener was actually Adenoid Hynkel. Oh, it's just too too awful!"
"Ach! It ist Der Freedom Brigadooners! I hath no idea zat you ver in zis time period! But you von't catch me alife!"
"Just a minute, what's that trademark? Oh. Oh, Adenoid II, I'm so sorry. It looks like the revenge of the ravening budget constraint has gone and bitten you in the Heinrich. You see, you were cloned by Rae-Ellen's Cell and Clones tm and they're a notorious cheapskate ripoff outfit. Any moment now, your cell quality will start to degrade, and..." Abruptly, Adenoid II began to metamorphose into a bowl of petunias. Unable to face the grim reality that he would spend the rest of his existence as a floral arrangement, he leapt toward a defoliant canister. Instants later, he lay, wilted on the floor.
Mr and Ms Might returned from their special secret mission:
"Okay, everyone. We've disarmed the helium bombs on both Earth and Mars."
"But what are we going to do about Smerch? It would be inhumane and unethical to return him to the 23rd Century, given he'd be suffocated to death by the immense tonnage and nauseating overacting of Tim.K. Pork." Princess Power commented.
"Can I join your Freedom Brigade instead? Look, I'm sorry about what happened beforehand, but I was having one of my seven yearly Prune Fa'ars attacks. They cause terrible character miswriting."
"No, but what say you end up supervising our multiversal Academy of Humourous? We've got students from everywhere that's even vaguely comedic, and they need someone to oversee and mentor them" Bat Woman suggested.
"Why does this sound like a horizontal ripoff of the multiversal magic academy elsewhere on this website?" The Eye ruminated.
"Shh. You know how this Author gets when he's ragged by his characters about scripting standards..." The Mighty HermAphrodite cautioned.
And so, the Freedom Brigade returned to base, having once more saved the world from those who would wish it mild annoyance and nuisance.
THE END [3.00 PM, APRIL 20, 2024]
