Gathered together from the cosmic reaches of the universe are the worlds greatest super heroes!!! Mr Might! Lady Liberty! Princess Power! Captain Switch! Bowman! Mermaid! Green Canary! Lightswitch! In the great Hall of Freedom! Created from the cosmic legends of the SPOOOO!!!!

"Bloody narratophages! They keep littering the openings of events like flies and open jars of honey..." Bat Woman fumed, shooting down one with a Bat Laser.
"My aunt...my enemy!!!" wailed Lightswitch.
"Er, except Aunt Harriet Hooper isn't your aunt, remember? She's an impostor who brainwashed you into thinking she was. And please, no strange aunt fixations. If you're into that sort of thing, you may want to consider defecting to Spiderdan's niche within the Marvellous universe."
"Oh, that's right. Sorry, these convoluted narrative twists and turns are hard to follow."
"Anyway, damn Lord Death Woman, given her current supervillainess persona. She used existentialist angst from a stage-managed confrontation between the Freedom Brigade and the Superior Five, their offspring, so that she could elude capture. Fortunately, I secreted a Bat Tracker Device on her. Wait a minute... I know this landscape..."
"It looks like a rustic New England hamburger to me."
"That's 'hamlet." 
"Well, it is very cheesy..."
"I knew it. It's... Peculiar Place.  I never thought I'd return to it."
"Wait a minute. That's a weird sixties soap opera parody that has nothing whatsoever to do with metahumans."
"It's...a long story, Dirk. You see, one of the things that motivated me to fight crime was having a grand piano abruptly fall on my parents, Martin and Antonia Katt."
"Really? I thought that only happened to happy lesbian and gay couples as a hackneyed plot device, but go on..."
"The piano killed them outright. It was pushed by the evil lord of the manor of Peculiar Place, P.S. Peculiar. I was trained as a crimefighter by an old friend, who must have passed on by now." 
Abruptly, there were sounds of turmoil and manly grunting from the secluded bay next to the road to Peculiar Place.  Peering around an adjacent boulder, the two Freedom Brigadiers spotted a muscular, bare chested redhaired man wrestling an octopus:
"Oh, that's a nice homoerotic interlude." Dirk grinned.
"Och, sorry, where air ma manners? I'm Hamish MacHunk, loyal man friday to the Warlocks of Warlock Hall."

"Warlock Hall?" Bat Woman seemed uncharacteristically flustered. A shadow fell across them as another deep masculine voice said richly:
"Vicky? Is that you beneath that bad hair ornament, one piece bikini, evening gloves, mask and bat tattoo?"
"Buck!!? Buck Warlock?!!!"
"Somewhat pasty, isn't he?"
"Shh, Dirk, let's not be mortality challenged. Buck... I...I've become Bat Woman, a crime fighter. This is my Freedom Brigade colleague Lightswitch, and those identical young woman standing motionless in formation are the Bat Girls of America."
"So much has happened, even here in the remote reaches of rusting New England."
"Shouldn't that be rustic?"
"Not given this economy, it's not. Ah, I see you've met my trusty loyal servitor, Hamish. Hamish, when you've finished naked octopus wrestling, pop a minikilt on and escort our visitors to their respective bedrooms."  Hamish waded out of the water and his eyes met those of Lightswitch:
"That would be your gay loyal servitor, Hamish, would it, Buck?"
"We're an equal opportunity employer, Vicky. Why do you ask?"
"Because it's time for a regularly scheduled gratuitous same-sex lip lock and I suspect Hamish and Dirk are about to have one. But tell me, what happened to the other denizens of Peculiar Place?"
"Well,  my brother Walter and Barbara Madison, his human wife, retired up the road to Collinsport, while Salome the Swamp Girl joined the National Parks Service and Doctor Risso sadly got convicted of malpractice."
"Oh dear. And Rodney Furrington?"
"Passed away a while ago. Hamish is his son."
In the bedroom area, male laughter echoed and a minikilt abruptly flew up into the air...

There were sussurating sounds as Captain Swift, Lady Liberty and Mermaid abruptly appeared next to Bat Woman:
"Ah. These are my Freedom Brigade colleagues, Captain Swift, Lady Liberty and Mermaid. Colleagues, this is Buck Warlock, currently the owner of the rambling, decayed piles behind us known as Warlock Hall."
"Curse you, Warlock!!!"
"On the other hand, that rambling set of piles is P.S. Peculiar, the somewhat annoying patriarch of Peculiar Place, my arch-nemesis  and now a supercentenarian."
"I'll be rid of you undead freaks if it's the last thing I do."
"I'd be careful if I were you, Mr Peculiar, particularly if something should happen to Mr Warlock or anyone else in this rusting New England village."
"Bah! I'm off to visit my relatives up the coast near Miskatonic University."

Captain Swift raised an eyebrow: "Methinks our Camp Crusader has it big time for the pallid Mr Warlock."
"How romantic! It's good to see her defrost a bit and provide opportunities for character development." Mermaid smiled
"Wait a minute. Miskatonic University? That reference sounds annoyingly Lovecraftesque. We're not going to have to fight a hideously betentacled interdimensional being with contempt for Euclidean geometry, are we?" Lady Liberty queried
"No, but we are enmeshed in a highly derivative cross between a sixties soap opera and a creature feature involving Barnacles Colon, the infamous sixties beneficent vampire." Mermaid demured
"The octopi are restless tonight..." commented Captain Swift as Buck Warlock motioned to a still bare-chested strapping Hamish to carry their luggage to Warlock Hall. Up the coast, P.S. Peculiar glowered at the receding landscape of Peculiar Place.

A sinister form loitered near Warlock Hall as the evening fell, cackled evilly and then swore as it tripped over. Abruptly, storm clouds closed in and lightning played overhead, eerily illuminating the gothic ruins stereotypically.

"Lightswitch? Lightswitch? Oh, no, he's missing!"
"This is serious. There have been reports of a satanic cult lurking around this area, sacrificing susceptible virgins."
"Define 'virgin.'" Bat Woman said to Buck.
"Someone who hasn't had nooki, either straight or gay. They're very broad minded satanists."
"Define 'nooki.'" Bat Woman said, wanting to clarify things still further.
"Penetrative sex." Buck said bluntly.

"Look out!" WHAM!!!" 
"Hello, children, it's Lady Liberty here, for the Ayn Rand Libertarian Frenzy League. Have you ever stopped to consider that traffic speed limits are disgusting statist limits on individual freedom? Write to your Congressperson today!!! SPOOOO!

"What was that?" Mermaid gasped.
"Lady Liberty hasn't been at the Ayn Rand potboilers again, has she? You know how she gets when she's read a few." Captain Swift remarked
"Oh, I see. It was a narratophage, trying to distract us from the satanic cult and its abduction of Lightswitch. We must rescue him."  Mermaid said, determinedly.
"Hmmm, all this and Lord Death Woman's trail ends here. Could Aunt Harriet Hooper possibly be behind this?" Captain Swift pondered.
"Well, Dirk did see her dancing naked widdershins around the Stately Payne Manor graveyard one Halloween, speaking in reverse and brandishing a blood stained dagger, but that could have just been a coincidence." Mermaid concluded.
"I feel uncomfortable about this. Aren't we intruding on their religious liberty?" Lady Liberty commented.
"Dana, you do realise that (a) Lightswitch is our team mate and (b) human sacrifice is against the law?"
"What you're proposing is still an intrusion on the sacrosanct right to untramelled religious practice, Billy."
"Enough of the arcane philosophical discussions. We can discuss this later after we've found Dirk and apprehended Aunt Harriet."

What do you think, kids? Surely the right to untramelled religious practice is a sacrosanct element of religious liberty? Do you think human sacrifice is a sufficient enough reason to blunt it? No, neither do I. Contact your Congressperson and if you want more information, contact the Ayn Rand Libertarian Frenzy League! I'm Lady Liberty!!!

"Please stop doing that, Dana."
"Sorry, I emit involuntary telepathic spasms when I'm philosophically overexcited."
"That's more like telepathic spam."

Meanwhile, in a dark and dingy cave complect beneath the environs of Peculiar Place, P.S.Peculiar were locked in a clammy embrace:
"Oh, P.S. Soon our lord Asmodeus will be summoned from the infernal depths and the world will lapse into depravity, wretchedness and hand laundry."
"Yes, my dear Harriet, and you are responsible for our plan reaching fruition. Soon, the miserable do-gooder Freedom Brigade will be no more and neither will those white-skinned Warlock encumberances! And we will be lord and lady of this planet!"
"Excuse me, but while you two are having octogenerian happy times, could you please tell me why you want to destroy this planet?"
"Why, young Dirk? Because we're megalomaniac psychopaths!"
"Republicans, you mean? I might have guessed..."
"If we cannot have world domination, then no-one else will!!!" Aunt Harriet hissed.
"Wow, that is some cheesy dialogue." Lightswitch critiqued
"Who died and appointed you literary critic?"
"Now now, P.S. After all, Dirk will soon perish at the blade of a satanic dagger and a new Dark Age will descend on the world!!! Nyahahahaha!"
"Why do I have to be scantily clad and oiled up for this?"
"Because it's a particularly hackneyed trope, that's why. Ah, midnight approaches!"
"Wow, that was quick."
"I blame wretched plotting for this. Awwwrrrrkkkk!!!!" spluttered P.S. Peculiar, as the precipice on which he was standing inexplicably gave way and he conveniently plummeted into the hadean depths below, wailing his bewilderment at this sudden and convenient twist of fate. Aunt Harriet shrugged and began to dance widdershins and naked around Dirk, who writhed in his bondage, reflecting on how similar this was to his time as Robber the Teen Plunder.  In one corner of the cavern, the stone began to glow an unearthly green, before it exploded outward:

"Surrender, Auntie of the Apocalypse!!!" Captain Swift cried.
"Too late! I completed my eldritch chant and now my Lord Asmodeus will arise from the eldritch depths to raven and slay."
"Oh. You were using that grimoire, were you?" Lady Liberty exclaimed, looking it over.
"What's that supposed to mean?" scowled Aunt Harriet
"Nothing, except the Demonic Reliquary of Satan and All the Archfiends 1745 edition  is notoriously corrupt and not in an ethical way, either."
"It matters not!" Aunt Harriet raved archaically.
"Oh, yes, it does. Instead of summoning Asmodeus, you've actually performed a rite to summon"
"Mrrowrrrr?" said a small tabby with impossibly convoluted horns. Unbeseen to the others, Hamish freed Dirk from the sacrificial pallet, then the two sank down into the convenient nook behind it:
"That's actually Asmewdeus, Dread Proprietor of the Infernal Realms for Mice, Other Small Rodents and Birds. Speaking of which, ready, Mermaid?"

The Atlantean Avenger concentrated intently on the subterranean channels that led to the cavern, and abruptly, a cascade of assorted fish jumped several metres into the air, plummeting down into Asmewsdeus' gaping mouth, which had suddenly grown to thirty metres or so. With a large gulp and fetching purr, the small demonic feline entity rubbed itself against Bat Woman's legs in gratitude:
"Who's a nice demonic kitty overlord then? Now, if you could take Aunt Harriet back to the infernal depths with you, we'd be ever so grateful." Asmewdeus had concluded that Mermaid was too humanoid to satisfactorily eat, and his eyes glowed a deep crimson hellfire tone. Aunt Harriet cried in panic and horror, but it was far too late for her, as she vanished into the infernal pit, never to return!

Hamish and Dirk surfaced from behind the sacrificial pallet:
"Well, that's me happily devirginised."
"Och, it was my plaisure, Dirk."
"Oh, mine too, definitely."
Bat Woman looked up at Buck:
"Now that gives me an idea. What say we go for a pleasant ramble across the mortality barrier, Vicky?"
"I'd prefer a quite leisurely saunter, Buck my dear."
Bowman cleared his throat: "Now wait a minute. I'm glad that Hamish and Dirk had such a pleasant time deleting Dirk's metaphysical eligibility for demonic sacrifice, but Buck here is undead."
Mermaid frowned: "Austin, I am shocked! Don't be such a bigot!  Cliff and I have been in a rampant xenophile marriage for the last fifty years and you've never objected to that. Good for you, Vicky. Go for it."

They were diverted by a totally gratuitous appearance from Badgirl, and a strange slightly dilapidated grey haired figure, who were busily appropriating property from Peculiar Manor:
"Hmmmph! Not even a word of sorrow about the tragic recent decease of your late partner Badman. And to think you did nothing to stop it!"
"Say what? Who do you think those diet books on the Badcomputer were from? It's not my fault Badman succumbed to Shatnerosis and became vain, old, immobile, clueless and somewhat large in the loafers. Frankly, Badgirl, if you want that franchise, you're quite welcome to it."
"Meet my partner, Albumin, the Zombie Wonder!"
"Braaaain...oh, hello, Mawster Dirk."
"Albert?! You're using our former undead loyal retainer Albert Hapennysworth as your sidekick?"
"Why not? You're not the only one who gets to barrack for undead equality, y'know. Now, Albumin, let's continue looting the items not specifically under right of possession to the Warlock brothers. Goodbye, Lightswitch. Until the next time we confront one another."

Lady Liberty sighed: "I still have pompous libertarian ethical questions about whether we were morally entitled to interfere with Peculiar and Harriet's religious practices that way."
"Shouldn't that be ponderous?" Mermaid queried.
"Let's get back to the FBUS satellite, rather than bore innocent passersby, shall we?" Captain Swift muttered. And with that, after leisurely liplocking from Hamish and Lightswitch, and Bat Woman and Buck, so it was.

THE END.