Post by redsycorax on Oct 13, 2020 0:23:28 GMT
Back on Earth-55, home Earth to the Freedom Brigade of the United States, Bat Woman and her husband Buck Warlock have an unexpected addition to their family- yes, it's a...Bat Baby!!!
++
"WAHHH!!! Feed me at once! WAAHHH!!!"
Victoria (Bat Woman) Katt was startled awake as she sat up in the four-poster bed that she shared with her husband, Buck Warlock, in Somewhat Dilapidated Peculiar Manor. Her eyes focused on a masked figure in a romper suit:
"Badman, if that's you deaged or miniaturised, it's not very funny. And you've overlooked the fact that, as my husband is a Warlock and therefore undead, I can't have any children anyhow."
"I am not this "Badman" you referred to. I am Bat Baby, an infant incarnation of the Bat archetrope, from the far flung alternate universe known as Earth- 14,803."
Bat Woman's brow furrowed: "Oh, wait a minute. From memory, that high up in the Heisenberg Alternate Probability Index results in el cheapo one shot extremely low probability events. All right, Bat Baby, origin story please. Buck, could you prepare a bottle for our diminutive guest? No, not whiskey, baby's milk..."
Bat Baby cleared his throat and spoke in a high falsetto voice:
"Originally I was A Bat-Man, protector of Gerfheim City, along with my sidekick Finch and my associate in the Gerfheim City Police Force, Zombie Commissioner Gordon. One dark day, I was shrunken down, down, down to an infant when I was trapped in a deageing ray by the mad scientist Dr Garth No-Name. The effect was permanent, although as you can see I still have my Bat-Agility and cognitive skills."
However, Bat Woman had a sinking feeling about their new intruder:
"Er, so what about other aspects of maturity, like ability to foresee consequences and accept delayed gratification...?"
"WAHHHH!!! I wanna be a Crime Fighter!!!! WAHHHH!!!"
"Which could pose a problem. What's that smell?"
Bat Baby looked sheepish, as he had just discovered a certain other physiological side-effect of his current infantile status...
FREEDOM BRIGADE SATELLITE:
"...And so that's it. I'm not cut out to be a mother, but then I remembered that apart from Black Vulcan and the Eye, the rest of you have had children already."
"Are you sure it isn't yours, Vicky? It has your cowl." Lady Liberty said, peering down at the Infantile Avenger.
"I'm not sure that this is going to be straightforward. If we accept custody of a Bat Baby today, what next? A Bat Fetus? A Bat Embryo? A Bat Ovum?" Mr Might objected.
"So why not just shoot this baby dude back to the Earth he came from?" Black Vulcan asked.
"Because that would be far too simple and would end this whole escapade unconscionably quickly for our royalty payment scheme. And also because Earth-14,803 no longer exists. It got wiped out in the Crisis on Improbable Earths last year. I'm afraid Bat Baby is the only survivor."
"CHOKE!!! GASP!!! Finch! Commissioner Gordon zombie!!! Wonder Gorilla!!! Super Sister!!! All gone! Gone!! Gone!!!"
"Well, yes, I'm afraid so. But you're welcome to resettle on our particular alternate Earth, Bat Baby." Mermaid said, as Bat Baby helped himself to another bottle of babys milk:
"Unfortunately, we have a minimum age limit on FBUS membership and our own Superior Five offspring got pissed off with the frequent rejuvenations that delayed our retirement and went off to have their own careers as serious superheroes on Earth-7415. Added to which, there are some things you need to know about our Earth."
"What, the fact that you actually have someone normal and well-adjusted like Hillary Clinton as US President? And the fact that the Patriot starred in a remake television series built around her predecessor called Me and the Trump? Or the fact that the Batman ripoff here, Badman, is evil but that Lightpower, aka Dicky here, reformed from his days as Robber the Boy Plunder? Or that Mr Might is from Neon, a highly advanced world that didn't explode and where his bumbling dad, Dumb-El, shot him to Earth where he gained superpowers but has a list of one weaknesses as long as the Encyclopedia Britannica? Or that Bat Woman runs a regiment of Bat Girls?"
"You have amazing powers of deduction and observation, Bat Baby." Bowman observed.
Bat Baby shook his head: "No, I just had a look through the latest Peculiar Press. But that's not important right now. You see, while I was falling through the multiverse, after the Crisis on Improbable Earths had destroyed my Earth of origin, I saw several other intradimensionally displaced characters- and they were all on the same trajectory as I was, heading for Earth-55."
"Really? So the Freedom Brigade is about to have reinforcements? New membership?" The Eye brightened up considerably at the news.
"You may not think so when I tell you who they are."
"Alternate versions of established Core Multiverse characters would be quite acceptable!" Lightpower caught the mood of happiness within the satellite, until Bat Baby flipped a switch and the holographier began to form images of just whom they were about to receive as intradimensional transfers.
"Fatman, the Human Flying Saucer... Captain Marvel and Jigsaw Man, both of whom have independent motion detachable body parts... Captain Tootsie, who derived his abilities from an advertising gimmick that involved confectionary... Mad Hatter, secretly Grant Richmond, a lawyer whose tophat insignia strikes fear into the heart of villains everywhere..."
"Ah, so cocklaphobia, the fear of hats, is common on that Earth?" Bat Woman sagely remarked
"Shh, no expository dialogue. These bozos don't deserve it. Next we come to the supervillains, sort of...former carnival clown Ugly Man... er, transvestite supervillain Mother Goose... and a strangely gendered supervillain called He-She..."
The Eye commented: "How unusual. Half of their body is female, the other half is male. Do they behave in an antiquatedly stereotyped way?"
"Probably. Anyway, they were in the same slipstream as I was and eventually they'll turn up here. I don't think we'll have much to worry about insofar as Mad Hatter, Fatman and Captain Tootsie go, except if the Captain's tootsie rolls have curdled and he's turned evil as a result. It's Captain Marvel and Jigsaw Man I'm concerned about. They seem to have anger management problems and fly apart at the first sign of trouble. Ugly Man could be diverted to Earth-U, where his appearance is nothing out of the ordinary. It's He-She and Mother Goose I'm worried about."
"Isn't that slightly transphobic?" Captain Swift frowned.
"Well no, not really. Even the most nonbinary transperson wouldn't entertain that particular juxtaposition of genders, or behave in that stereotyped a manner. As for the bad drag routine Mother Goose carries out, I can think of one character that would be able to take him/her on..."
"Oh, of course! Our old ally Madame Fatal from the Freedom Force of the 1940s. She/he's exactly the right age, too!" Princess Power exclaimed.
Bat Baby grinned: "Ah. As the Time Space Visualiser shows us, some highly effective 'quantum flux' has diverted Fatman, the Mad Hatter and Captain Tootsie to the 1940s, where they can conveniently join Freedom Force..."
BOING
"And unless I'm mistaken, that cheap sound effect was our timeline changing slightly to encompass the additional members of Freedom Force. And an intradimensional voidship from Earth-U has rescued Ugly Man. So that leaves...Mother Goose ...who also seems headed for the forties...oh. He/She is going to impact here. That could be a problem."
STANDARD CITY GYM:
In Standard City High Gym, Toni Gay had just achieved a quadruple somersault. Unfortunately, her gym partner, Butch Dykeman, wasn't that well co-ordinated. As he swept up around the gym, Butch cleared his deep , gravelly masculine voice:
"Toni, I have something to admit. I was born a girl."
"Oh Butch, what a coincidence! I had reassignment surgery too, last year."
"Wait, what's that strangely glowing meteorite doing heading straight for us?"
Yes, Butch had sighted a lost fragment of the protoplanet Hermaphrodite, which had formerly orbited the sun between Mercury and Venus been torn apart early in the solar system's development. This lost fragment had passed through a lavendar cosmic cloud which had given it strange unearthly properties. As the two teenagers watched, it exploded and showered them with lavendar glitter. Suddenly, blinding light shone around them. Toni felt motivated to say the magical word
ANDROGYNO!!!
And abruptly, the two transgender teenagers combined into a nonbinary superbeing:
"I am... the Mighty Herm-Aphrodite! I am a fusion of the two mortals Toni and Butch! I fight for truth, justice and gender diversity!!!"
"Tough. Look, I'm the only differently gendered person in this strip at the moment. So beat it, you annoyingly cliched origin interloper!"
"I take you are He-She, former enemy of the Crimebuster of Earth-5541, here to turn over a villainous new leaf. You will not be allowed to do so. Particularly dressed like that."
"What's wrong with the way I look! I'm manly... and demure and womanly."
"So am I and I can and will fight you to stop your villainy!"
However, and abruptly, He/She began a bizarre dance routine:
"Lucky I was born in another dimension so
We could both make fun of gender
Lucky that it was so improbable for
The lucky fact of my existence
I would climb Nix Olympia solely
To get away from your annoyingly muscled body
Never could imagine there were only
Ten million genders to enjoy!
Fee fi fo fum fee fi fo fum
Can't you see? I have smelly feet!
Whatever, it's never
This song is going on forever
I'll be over here and you won't
be anywhere remotely near
And that's my conclusion I sneer
Whatsoever, heretofore
You'll never have to wonder
about my exact gender
But that's my fix, I sneer
I didn't set out to have a double
So go away and be a hero somewhere else
Anyway your breasts are tiny and imperceptible
So you don't need a bra
Lucky I have strong arms like my father
To fight in combat when I need another
And these eyes covered in mascara
Narrowed at you right now, buster!
Whatever, it's never
This song is going on forever
I'll be over here and you won't
be anywhere remotely near
And that's my conclusion I sneer
Whatsoever, heretofore
You'll never have to wonder
about my exact gender
But that's my fix, I sneer
Fee fi fo fum, fee fi fo fum
I'm extremely loud and I'll say it again
Fee fi fo fum, fee fi fo fum
Tell me one last time
That you'll go away
There's only room for one
differently gendered character here.
Whatever, it's never
This song is going on forever
I'll be over here and you won't
be anywhere remotely near
And that's my conclusion I sneer
Whatsoever, heretofore
I've fallen over this damned high heel
Why can't you go away
And let me ransack this school?
Whatever, it's never
This song is going on forever
I'll be over here and you won't
be anywhere remotely near
And that's my conclusion I sneer
Whatsoever, heretofore
I've broken this damned high heel
Looks like there's a fight scene ahead, y'all!
"Take that! Especially for that godawful Shakira parody!!!" cried the Mighty Herm-Aphrodite, infuriated at the crass parody of the Brazilian artiste who He/She had just gyrated bizarrely to, as well as singing badly off-key
POW WHAM BIFF WALLOP BANG WHIMPER...
By the time Bat Baby and the Freedom Brigade had shown up, the Mighty Herm-Aphrodite had overpowered He-She and tied him/her up. As she/he was leaving in a paddy wagon, He-She called:
"I'll fix you, Herm-Aphrodite!!! You mussed up my hair and put in a cheap punch! This isn't over!!"
Bat-Baby shrugged: "Ah well. Look, is there anyone who wants to adopt a super-intelligent baby?"
"You could use advanced technology to masquerade as an adult. Oh. What's this?" Captain Swift picked up a stub of paper:
"NOTE: THIS IS TO VERIFY THAT VICTORIA KATT WARLOCK IS THE SOLE LEGAL, LICENSED HOLDER OF THE BATPERSON ARCHETROPE ON EARTH-55. APART FROM THE CHEAP IMPERSONATOR NAMED BADMAN, ANY INFRINGEMENT WILL BE VAPOURISED THREE MINUTES FROM DETECTION" Lightpower read.
"Oh no! What will I do? I'm too young to fry!" Bat Baby exclaimed.
"Fortunately, using my cosmic vibrator, I found an alternate universe that might be useful- it's called Earth-Goo, and it's dominated by sentient babies after the Great Baby Revolution of 2016. You may have a useful role to play there, Bat-Baby." Mr Might said, priming their transmatter cube for immediate cross-universe transposition.
"Thank you so much! Perhaps we can have a cross over sometime?" Bat Baby said, as he stepped into the transmatter cube and was whisked off to the infant-centred Earth in question.
"Which leaves us with a question for you, Mighty Herm-Aphrodite. Will you join the Freedom Brigade?"
"Yes!!!" Toni Gay and Butch Dykeman exclaimed in the body that they now shared, which is how the Freedom Brigade crossed the gender frontier where no-one had ever gone before...
THE END
++
"WAHHH!!! Feed me at once! WAAHHH!!!"
Victoria (Bat Woman) Katt was startled awake as she sat up in the four-poster bed that she shared with her husband, Buck Warlock, in Somewhat Dilapidated Peculiar Manor. Her eyes focused on a masked figure in a romper suit:
"Badman, if that's you deaged or miniaturised, it's not very funny. And you've overlooked the fact that, as my husband is a Warlock and therefore undead, I can't have any children anyhow."
"I am not this "Badman" you referred to. I am Bat Baby, an infant incarnation of the Bat archetrope, from the far flung alternate universe known as Earth- 14,803."
Bat Woman's brow furrowed: "Oh, wait a minute. From memory, that high up in the Heisenberg Alternate Probability Index results in el cheapo one shot extremely low probability events. All right, Bat Baby, origin story please. Buck, could you prepare a bottle for our diminutive guest? No, not whiskey, baby's milk..."
Bat Baby cleared his throat and spoke in a high falsetto voice:
"Originally I was A Bat-Man, protector of Gerfheim City, along with my sidekick Finch and my associate in the Gerfheim City Police Force, Zombie Commissioner Gordon. One dark day, I was shrunken down, down, down to an infant when I was trapped in a deageing ray by the mad scientist Dr Garth No-Name. The effect was permanent, although as you can see I still have my Bat-Agility and cognitive skills."
However, Bat Woman had a sinking feeling about their new intruder:
"Er, so what about other aspects of maturity, like ability to foresee consequences and accept delayed gratification...?"
"WAHHHH!!! I wanna be a Crime Fighter!!!! WAHHHH!!!"
"Which could pose a problem. What's that smell?"
Bat Baby looked sheepish, as he had just discovered a certain other physiological side-effect of his current infantile status...
FREEDOM BRIGADE SATELLITE:
"...And so that's it. I'm not cut out to be a mother, but then I remembered that apart from Black Vulcan and the Eye, the rest of you have had children already."
"Are you sure it isn't yours, Vicky? It has your cowl." Lady Liberty said, peering down at the Infantile Avenger.
"I'm not sure that this is going to be straightforward. If we accept custody of a Bat Baby today, what next? A Bat Fetus? A Bat Embryo? A Bat Ovum?" Mr Might objected.
"So why not just shoot this baby dude back to the Earth he came from?" Black Vulcan asked.
"Because that would be far too simple and would end this whole escapade unconscionably quickly for our royalty payment scheme. And also because Earth-14,803 no longer exists. It got wiped out in the Crisis on Improbable Earths last year. I'm afraid Bat Baby is the only survivor."
"CHOKE!!! GASP!!! Finch! Commissioner Gordon zombie!!! Wonder Gorilla!!! Super Sister!!! All gone! Gone!! Gone!!!"
"Well, yes, I'm afraid so. But you're welcome to resettle on our particular alternate Earth, Bat Baby." Mermaid said, as Bat Baby helped himself to another bottle of babys milk:
"Unfortunately, we have a minimum age limit on FBUS membership and our own Superior Five offspring got pissed off with the frequent rejuvenations that delayed our retirement and went off to have their own careers as serious superheroes on Earth-7415. Added to which, there are some things you need to know about our Earth."
"What, the fact that you actually have someone normal and well-adjusted like Hillary Clinton as US President? And the fact that the Patriot starred in a remake television series built around her predecessor called Me and the Trump? Or the fact that the Batman ripoff here, Badman, is evil but that Lightpower, aka Dicky here, reformed from his days as Robber the Boy Plunder? Or that Mr Might is from Neon, a highly advanced world that didn't explode and where his bumbling dad, Dumb-El, shot him to Earth where he gained superpowers but has a list of one weaknesses as long as the Encyclopedia Britannica? Or that Bat Woman runs a regiment of Bat Girls?"
"You have amazing powers of deduction and observation, Bat Baby." Bowman observed.
Bat Baby shook his head: "No, I just had a look through the latest Peculiar Press. But that's not important right now. You see, while I was falling through the multiverse, after the Crisis on Improbable Earths had destroyed my Earth of origin, I saw several other intradimensionally displaced characters- and they were all on the same trajectory as I was, heading for Earth-55."
"Really? So the Freedom Brigade is about to have reinforcements? New membership?" The Eye brightened up considerably at the news.
"You may not think so when I tell you who they are."
"Alternate versions of established Core Multiverse characters would be quite acceptable!" Lightpower caught the mood of happiness within the satellite, until Bat Baby flipped a switch and the holographier began to form images of just whom they were about to receive as intradimensional transfers.
"Fatman, the Human Flying Saucer... Captain Marvel and Jigsaw Man, both of whom have independent motion detachable body parts... Captain Tootsie, who derived his abilities from an advertising gimmick that involved confectionary... Mad Hatter, secretly Grant Richmond, a lawyer whose tophat insignia strikes fear into the heart of villains everywhere..."
"Ah, so cocklaphobia, the fear of hats, is common on that Earth?" Bat Woman sagely remarked
"Shh, no expository dialogue. These bozos don't deserve it. Next we come to the supervillains, sort of...former carnival clown Ugly Man... er, transvestite supervillain Mother Goose... and a strangely gendered supervillain called He-She..."
The Eye commented: "How unusual. Half of their body is female, the other half is male. Do they behave in an antiquatedly stereotyped way?"
"Probably. Anyway, they were in the same slipstream as I was and eventually they'll turn up here. I don't think we'll have much to worry about insofar as Mad Hatter, Fatman and Captain Tootsie go, except if the Captain's tootsie rolls have curdled and he's turned evil as a result. It's Captain Marvel and Jigsaw Man I'm concerned about. They seem to have anger management problems and fly apart at the first sign of trouble. Ugly Man could be diverted to Earth-U, where his appearance is nothing out of the ordinary. It's He-She and Mother Goose I'm worried about."
"Isn't that slightly transphobic?" Captain Swift frowned.
"Well no, not really. Even the most nonbinary transperson wouldn't entertain that particular juxtaposition of genders, or behave in that stereotyped a manner. As for the bad drag routine Mother Goose carries out, I can think of one character that would be able to take him/her on..."
"Oh, of course! Our old ally Madame Fatal from the Freedom Force of the 1940s. She/he's exactly the right age, too!" Princess Power exclaimed.
Bat Baby grinned: "Ah. As the Time Space Visualiser shows us, some highly effective 'quantum flux' has diverted Fatman, the Mad Hatter and Captain Tootsie to the 1940s, where they can conveniently join Freedom Force..."
BOING
"And unless I'm mistaken, that cheap sound effect was our timeline changing slightly to encompass the additional members of Freedom Force. And an intradimensional voidship from Earth-U has rescued Ugly Man. So that leaves...Mother Goose ...who also seems headed for the forties...oh. He/She is going to impact here. That could be a problem."
STANDARD CITY GYM:
In Standard City High Gym, Toni Gay had just achieved a quadruple somersault. Unfortunately, her gym partner, Butch Dykeman, wasn't that well co-ordinated. As he swept up around the gym, Butch cleared his deep , gravelly masculine voice:
"Toni, I have something to admit. I was born a girl."
"Oh Butch, what a coincidence! I had reassignment surgery too, last year."
"Wait, what's that strangely glowing meteorite doing heading straight for us?"
Yes, Butch had sighted a lost fragment of the protoplanet Hermaphrodite, which had formerly orbited the sun between Mercury and Venus been torn apart early in the solar system's development. This lost fragment had passed through a lavendar cosmic cloud which had given it strange unearthly properties. As the two teenagers watched, it exploded and showered them with lavendar glitter. Suddenly, blinding light shone around them. Toni felt motivated to say the magical word
ANDROGYNO!!!
And abruptly, the two transgender teenagers combined into a nonbinary superbeing:
"I am... the Mighty Herm-Aphrodite! I am a fusion of the two mortals Toni and Butch! I fight for truth, justice and gender diversity!!!"
"Tough. Look, I'm the only differently gendered person in this strip at the moment. So beat it, you annoyingly cliched origin interloper!"
"I take you are He-She, former enemy of the Crimebuster of Earth-5541, here to turn over a villainous new leaf. You will not be allowed to do so. Particularly dressed like that."
"What's wrong with the way I look! I'm manly... and demure and womanly."
"So am I and I can and will fight you to stop your villainy!"
However, and abruptly, He/She began a bizarre dance routine:
"Lucky I was born in another dimension so
We could both make fun of gender
Lucky that it was so improbable for
The lucky fact of my existence
I would climb Nix Olympia solely
To get away from your annoyingly muscled body
Never could imagine there were only
Ten million genders to enjoy!
Fee fi fo fum fee fi fo fum
Can't you see? I have smelly feet!
Whatever, it's never
This song is going on forever
I'll be over here and you won't
be anywhere remotely near
And that's my conclusion I sneer
Whatsoever, heretofore
You'll never have to wonder
about my exact gender
But that's my fix, I sneer
I didn't set out to have a double
So go away and be a hero somewhere else
Anyway your breasts are tiny and imperceptible
So you don't need a bra
Lucky I have strong arms like my father
To fight in combat when I need another
And these eyes covered in mascara
Narrowed at you right now, buster!
Whatever, it's never
This song is going on forever
I'll be over here and you won't
be anywhere remotely near
And that's my conclusion I sneer
Whatsoever, heretofore
You'll never have to wonder
about my exact gender
But that's my fix, I sneer
Fee fi fo fum, fee fi fo fum
I'm extremely loud and I'll say it again
Fee fi fo fum, fee fi fo fum
Tell me one last time
That you'll go away
There's only room for one
differently gendered character here.
Whatever, it's never
This song is going on forever
I'll be over here and you won't
be anywhere remotely near
And that's my conclusion I sneer
Whatsoever, heretofore
I've fallen over this damned high heel
Why can't you go away
And let me ransack this school?
Whatever, it's never
This song is going on forever
I'll be over here and you won't
be anywhere remotely near
And that's my conclusion I sneer
Whatsoever, heretofore
I've broken this damned high heel
Looks like there's a fight scene ahead, y'all!
"Take that! Especially for that godawful Shakira parody!!!" cried the Mighty Herm-Aphrodite, infuriated at the crass parody of the Brazilian artiste who He/She had just gyrated bizarrely to, as well as singing badly off-key
POW WHAM BIFF WALLOP BANG WHIMPER...
By the time Bat Baby and the Freedom Brigade had shown up, the Mighty Herm-Aphrodite had overpowered He-She and tied him/her up. As she/he was leaving in a paddy wagon, He-She called:
"I'll fix you, Herm-Aphrodite!!! You mussed up my hair and put in a cheap punch! This isn't over!!"
Bat-Baby shrugged: "Ah well. Look, is there anyone who wants to adopt a super-intelligent baby?"
"You could use advanced technology to masquerade as an adult. Oh. What's this?" Captain Swift picked up a stub of paper:
"NOTE: THIS IS TO VERIFY THAT VICTORIA KATT WARLOCK IS THE SOLE LEGAL, LICENSED HOLDER OF THE BATPERSON ARCHETROPE ON EARTH-55. APART FROM THE CHEAP IMPERSONATOR NAMED BADMAN, ANY INFRINGEMENT WILL BE VAPOURISED THREE MINUTES FROM DETECTION" Lightpower read.
"Oh no! What will I do? I'm too young to fry!" Bat Baby exclaimed.
"Fortunately, using my cosmic vibrator, I found an alternate universe that might be useful- it's called Earth-Goo, and it's dominated by sentient babies after the Great Baby Revolution of 2016. You may have a useful role to play there, Bat-Baby." Mr Might said, priming their transmatter cube for immediate cross-universe transposition.
"Thank you so much! Perhaps we can have a cross over sometime?" Bat Baby said, as he stepped into the transmatter cube and was whisked off to the infant-centred Earth in question.
"Which leaves us with a question for you, Mighty Herm-Aphrodite. Will you join the Freedom Brigade?"
"Yes!!!" Toni Gay and Butch Dykeman exclaimed in the body that they now shared, which is how the Freedom Brigade crossed the gender frontier where no-one had ever gone before...
THE END